Thursday, April 11, 2019

Most people don't feel like heroes deep down.

Regardless of what it says about my moral character, I still think I'm taking invisibility. Flight's cool, but c'mon - I could just sneak onto a plane. Super strength would be rad, sure - but I'm already pretty f--king jacked.


Fine, I might not exactly be ripped (or have any real muscle definition whatsoever), but I sure felt that way walking out of Shazam!. Not necessarily because of the movie, mind you, but, thanks to Fandango, because I had just seen a major movie release two weeks early. Who wants to f--king touch me?

Knowing nothing of the character beforehand, my son and I hustled into DC's latest armed only with the information afforded to us by that badass trailer. After some mysterious, uh, occurrence, some young orphan kid is granted great powers. But instead of the accompanying 'great responsibilities', the kid and his friend do the two things that any teenage boys would do: jack and shit.

When we meet Billy, this punk-ass jerkface is messing with the cops...seemingly, for the millionth time. While he looks to initially to be your run of the mill douchey teen, turns out this dude's on a mission to find his mom. Aw? See, back when he was just a wee one, young Billy got separated at a carnival and hasn't seen his momma since. And even if the resulting foster homes are actually kind of nice, Billy ain't having it. He needs to find his mom. Drop the question mark: Awwww confirmed.

Meanwhile, we've got this other grown kid, but this dude's like, a legit adult, and he too is haunted by his past. Long ago he mysteriously entered the staging area for the Mortal Kombat tournament and had he been pure of heart, would have been bestowed magical powers. Too bad he was a shit, and has grown up continuing to be a shit. Well, a determined shit, at least. The quest for these powers has consumed him ever since that fateful night, and he won't stop until he's shooting laser beams out of his wiener. Uh, or something.

I don't know the name of Mark Strong's character, but he's bald and wears sunglasses.
So, yeah. He's the bad guy.
Eventually, shocking no one, Billy touches some old guy's staff, and gets the powers that the other dude has been looking for (uh, and turns into an adult in the process). And frankly, that's gonna be a problem. For everybody. Billy ain't exactly the most responsible kid you've ever met, as he's more psyched to perform tricks for spare change. But this bad guy? I don't know exactly what he wants. Revenge, perhaps? World domination? Control over some sort of demon statue army? Shit, I forget, so I'm going D. All of the above.

Speaking of choices you should stay clear of, here are the Yays and Boos. Looks like DC might be on a little hot streak, with this, the moderately successful Aquaman and the world-changing moment in cinematic history known as Wonder Woman. I don't know who's up next...but good f--king luck!

(I didn't know that that was the kid from It until five minutes ago)

  • The bass that the demon statues generated when they spoke was like a bowel shaking earthquake of doubt and remorse.
  • Is it just me, or were all the kids in the foster home rad as f--k? Darla is clearly the MVP, but even the older sister seemed pretty sweet, too.
  • Jack Dylan Grazer is awesome as Freddy, the nerdy sidekick to Billy's Shazam. But what I dug most about this kid? His modest collection of DC artifacts. So cool. 
  • Lame villain or not, Mark Strong is always a Yay. I'm pretty sure it's out of my hands, you know?
  • I don't remember the quote verbatim (Do you guys take these?), but when Freddy double-birds those a-holes I almost died.
  • Wizard: Lay your hands on my staff. Billy: Gross.
  • Speaking of, back-to-back films with Djimon Housou? Have I died and entered a fishing simulation created by my creepy kid?
  • As someone who doesn't drink, I adored the fact that they spit that shit out real fast.
  • Pretty sure Captain Sparklefingers is my new name when I order Chinese takeout.
  • The boardroom scene is top-shelf comic book lunacy. I thought it peaked when he threw his d-hole brother out the window, but hot damn, I was wrong.
  • Yes, the bus catch was a nice move, but adding the dog to that whole situation? Even better.
  • Um, foster mom...was totally stacked. Maybe they have room for one more. Say, an older kid, who may or may not be almost forty. 
  • Transporting back to the gentleman's club was beyond awesome. But, I've been to a few of those in Philly, and be careful kids. All the superpowers in the world can't make you unsee what happens in those places. If I had laser vision, I would stare into a mirror and burn my own eyes out.
  • I'd hate to ruin the surprise, but the fact that Adam Brody shows up (in the capacity he does) made me infinitely stoked. Californiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.......
  • Sure, Deadpool's got the whole smart-ass thing locked down, but don't sleep on Shazam, you know? The bit with being unable to hear the bad guy's wicked plan was hysterical.
  • Are all credits these days cool as shit? 
  • And finally, that little cameo at the end was sooooooooooo good. I was kind of hoping for a certain man of the sea, but this was pretty frickin' cool regardless. And the way it was presented? *stands and starts the slow-clap*
Mortal Kombat 11 is gonna be nuts.
  • Saw it two weeks it a week late. Nice work, a-hole.
  • Philly? Again? Haven't we seen enough of this damn city lately? 
  • The only thing worse than stealing someone's Geno's steak, is the fact that I lived just outside of Philly for a year...and never bought one.
  • I'm sure they suck in real life, but holy shit, movie bullies are the worst. Like, who the hell is gonna punch Freddy? The f--k is that shit...
  • Did Bad Guy end up looking older than his dad, or was it just me?
  • (and yes, I know I could look up his name, but the fact that I don't even care to reinforces how lame he was/is)
  • Name one cool sidekick... Shh. Did you hear that? I think Robin just put Batman's utility belt around his own neck.
  • What school is this? It services every single grade? Huh?
  • While foster mom is beyond clutch, actual mom is anything but. Lady, the votes are in: get your shit together.
  • Santa cursing unnecessarily? Only in Philly.
  • Dammit. I don't know who that was in the stinger. 
  • And finally, that little cameo at the end could have been soooooo much better. Fine, maybe it actually worked out anyway, but did you read the actual story behind it? Scheduling conflicts? The f--k is this shit, a space shuttle launch? Was he in the bathroom, cocking his fists? Unacceptable!

The more I think about it, I want to exchange invisibility. Vanishing with a snap of my fingers would be incredibly useful (not that kind of vanishing, Thanos [well, actually....]), but I think controlling the weather might be even more valuable.

See, there are exactly forty days left in the school year, and I'm not sure I'm going to make it to the end (with my sanity intact, anyway). But if I could make it feel like summer, maybe they'd just turn us loose.


Alright, fine. Flight it is. Or maybe even telekinesis. Super-speed. You know what? It doesn't even matter.

As long as it's not regeneration, I'll be fine.


  1. "the moderately successful Aquaman" I side Eyed my phone so hard just now reading this that it almost exploded

    That cameo was hilarious. WB doesnt want Cavill anymore because the audience rejected his movies and he allegedly sleeps with teenage girls. So i loved that they handled that cameo like this. And santa was HILARIOUS

    1. That comment was not at all ENTIRELY DIRECTED AT YOU. Nope. *runs*

      The cameo was pretty great, but the way I read it, HC was game but they couldn't make the schedules work? Maybe that's just PR, but I think it would have been hysterical to see him there.

  2. Santa freaking out at the news camera was glorious. I had a lot of fun with this too, so did my son. Even though that lady fucking disintegrating scared him lol.

    1. Only in Philly does Santa curse like a f--king drunken sailor.

      My son had a very good time and was equally psyched that we saw it early. Like, he's pretty chill, but every time we saw the trailer after that he was like 'saw that' to himself. Rad.

      Holy shit that was terrifying!!!!! I'm sure my son will tell his therapist all about that years from now. Ooops.

  3. LOL! This review was awesome!!! I just saw this movie and I really enjoyed it! I wonder what your thoughts will be on Avengers: Endgame....GASP! SHOCK!!

    1. Thank you! I'm so pumped for Endgame, I doubt I'll be able to even write a coherent review.

      Well, I guess there was really a slim chance of that anyway, the more I think about it.