Get out of here, Devil!

Almost two years ago to the day, some drug-dealing asshole totaled my wife's (fairly) new car while evading the police through our neighborhood. Fortunately, no one was in (or near) the car when it happened, but I still remember my wife getting emotional moments after they towed it away. While most of her tears were because she was overwhelmed at the thought of what could have happened, I know she was also mourning the loss of something she once loved now needing to be replaced.

And worse, for absolutely no good reason.

Uh, Red? You're balls are on fire.

It's unfair to say that David Harbour doesn't do a good job in the latest Hellboy flick, when his biggest misstep may be the alarming fact that he is simply not Ron Perlman. While I'm not sure we even needed a third Hellboy flick with Ron Perlman, I'm now fairly certain we didn't need a third Hellboy flick without Ron Perlman.

But like the guy that smashed in my wife's car, even if what you're selling benefits no one, if there's money to be made...

Though I'm no scholar of Hellboy lore, obviously, similarities exist between the original del Toro films and this new one, helmed by Neil Marshall. Hellboy is still a wise-cracking demon unearthed by Nazis during WWII. He's still part of some super-secret government organization that uses monsters to, um...fight other monsters (think the Suicide Squad with more scales and less twirling garbage).

And yes, he's still got a massive right arm that he absolutely obliterates people with. The meat may be the same, but it's the potatoes that are different this time around.


Turns out, way back when, King Arthur beheaded some evil chick known as the Blood Queen, as that wicked witch was promising Hell to the living world. Along with Merlin and some other dudes, Arthur figured the best plan would be to cut the bitch into a bunch of pieces with Excalibur and bury her shit all over the world. I mean, who would ever be so foolish to re-assemble a wretched corpse so many years after the fact?

Well, outside of a now-fired Hollywood executive.

Never thought I'd post my old prom pics, but...

Look, as someone who nodded off during the third act, you should probably take all of this with more than a grain or two of salt. But even before my neck and my eyes conspired against me, my brain was letting me know something was missing.  It certainly wasn't the violence (oh MY), or the good-natured buffoonery of Red (Harbour is a natural). Hell, even the inclusion of Ian f--king McShane can't elevate this any higher than the worst Hellboy movie. But, hey...it's still top...three? *crickets*

Speaking of trailing off without making anything near a coherent point, here are the Yays and Boos. Like Hellboy's horns, they could be much sharper, sure, but if I don't file them down...bad things happen.

I don't even know what's happening here, but I love it.

Yaaaaaa...

...aaaaaay!

• Initially the intro seemed to be daring me to leave the theater. But once it's clear it's that kind of party? *reclines chair* This is gonna be so rad.
• Even though I was having Nacho Libre flashbacks (which is actually a good thing), can't say I wasn't stoked as, uh, Hell to see Hellboy taking on a goddamned demonic luchador. Muy bien!
• Corny or not, I loved the dynamic between Hellboy and his...father? It has this heavy aw shucks, Dad vibe that I couldn't get enough of.
• Despite being an insanely overstuffed two hours and one minute long, this sumbitch moves quickly.
• There's an orphanage in England that probably clapped extra loud when Hellboy absolutely butchered those three giants. You coudl see the Frobscottle just pouring out of them.
• Wait...if you eat someone's voicebox...you immediately sound like them? Uh...*looks around nervously* Okay, I'll allow it.
• Even with PS3 graphics, the battles and fights are f--king insane. Usually, I set my daily watching someone's face get ripped off quota to one...and have my hopes repeatedly dashed. Usually.
• That psychic girl was pretty rad. Not Selma Blair-level rad, but close (I'm not sure if this is the same character, and I ain't looking it up)
• If I'm not mistaken, someone gets their head punted off. Even if I am mistaken, as long as it's not mine, that's a Yay.
• Guys, how big is David Harbour? I can't imagine a single demogorgon even enters Hawkins in season three.
• Dude, the whole flaming sword/King Hell look is beyond amazing. Wowzers.
• And finally, I'm so thankful I saw this before Endgame. Like, exactly twenty hours before. At least then it had a chance in Hell, you know?

Alright, man. We get it. Now button your shit up.

Booooooooooo!

• When I bought my ticket, there was one other prick in the theater. One. He was at the end of row E, so naturally I avoided him and got a seat in the middle. Of row D. And when I walk in, where is that guy? Row D. And not even in my seat, but right next to it.
• But worse, even after I took (not) my seat, four a-holes stroll in FACETIMING some other a-hole. Guys, it's 10:20 on a Wednesday night, don't you have a Wal-Mart parking lot to sniff glue in?
• For a reboot or whatever, there's still a shit ton of lore to cover. Maybe a bit too much, honestly. Especially since it's looking like we ain't getting another one, you know?
• For example, who is this Lobster dude? I think I might be into this dude...
• Now, let's be honest...there are some ugly babies. But usually it's because of bad DNA. Not bad CGI.
• The main hench dude is pretty much a poor man's Bebop. Or Rocksteady. Okay, the real Boo here is that I don't know who's who. *cries in 80s*
• I did not see that double-cross coming. And when it did, shockingly? I was not a fan. Red's like a giant child...it's not cool to trick him, dammit.
• Maybe under different circumstances, I'd be down with all this witch-related nonsense. But when I was tired? And reminded of Enchantress? Stop, no and don't.
• Uh, Asian Dude turns into a __________? The Hell is this?
• I'm a little hazy, but if I remember correctly, the psychic chick can communicate with the dead (or the nearly dead). Anyway, when she conjures up the ghost of Christmas Deadwood, it is truly a (sad) sight to see. And also hysterical.
• And finally, this flick is part of Regal's latest See 4, own 4, which is typically an indicator that strange things are afoot at the Circle K. I actually paid for the first one...and walked out. Movie two? Hellboy.  Basically, if I play my cards right...I will soon be the owner of a digital copy of this movie. I can watch it anytime, anywhere. Even in Hell.

I saw something somewhere that this movie would have worked a lot better as a TV series. And the more I think about it, with all the stuff they tried to cram in here, that actually might not be such a bad idea. Especially considering I don't really watch any TV series. Unless they star David Harbour and have freaky monsters in them.


Shit.