Monday, July 15, 2019

We are the infection.

If the world was ending...again...and I was told I had to get to Boston, honestly, I'd be pretty f--king stoked. And if my last breath just so happened to be in Fenway Park of all places, well, even better. Dying on that field is probably a dream I share with half of New England, in the literal sense of course, as the Sox have killed me there metaphorically countless times. But if you're telling it's really over, like I'm done-done, can I least touch the Monster one last time?

No, no. The green one.

No, no. The other green one. The one not shooting lasers out of his face.

Considering I grew up in the eighties, it's pretty much a given that I have a modest (and very much radioactive) boner for all things Godzilla. But after the one with Ferris Bueller back in '98 and the one without Godzilla [review] in 2014, frankly, I'd just about given up on the scaly, fire-breathing bastard. But when I saw the preview for Godzilla: King of the Monsters, like a screaming old woman in Tokyo, there was simply no way I could turn my back on the majestic beast. I mean, look at him. He's pretty much the coolest thing ever.

Unfortunately, this latest attempt at bringing him back to the big screen, while an improvement over the other two, still can't do the big fella justice.

Outside of the impossibly rad Godzilla-related turbulence the action brings (though at times, it's also impossible to see), this creature feature is bogged down by a different two-headed monster. On the left, is Incomprehensible Plot which while brutal, is nowhere near as deadly as the right side, where Family Drama No One Cares About resides. I'm not sure which head to should cut off first, but as the one dragged on, I started to think I should start with my own.

Deciphering the plot requires college course work I probably won't be reimbursed for, so let me give you the quickest of quick summaries. A really sexy doctor (Vera Farmiga) ditches her family to do some monster-related unleashing. This is frowned upon by many (not to mention Thanos' lawyer should be calling any minute), so her husband and daughter are recruited to find her and make it stop. Turns out, the fact that giant beasts known as Titans are popping up and laying waste to the planet is not a great thing (though, quite honestly, it kind of depends on who you ask). Godzilla is recruited to help, but as he's prone to do, he gets his ass kicked almost immediately. If only there was a way to, um, reinvigorate the King of the Monsters?

Speaking of things that need to be hit with a nuclear bomb to be impactful, here are the Yays and Boos. Maybe seeing Kong: Skull Island before would've helped. Or maybe seeing it would have...prevented?
I kick ass for the Lord!

  • Whoa, both a new Terminator trailer and a new Rambo trailer? Seems Godzilla ain't the only old monster making a comeback...
  • At the time, all that Red Sox gear was appreciated. Now that I've been to Boston twice since I saw this, not as much (it's an 800 mile round trip).
  • Seems like a poor place for a house, but what a view!
  • The monsters are all really, really cool looking, and are brought to life with the right amount of reverence. I'm still on the fence about Godzilla (he looks like a cartoon bully), but the rest of the gang was brilliantly crafted (especially my girl Mothra).
  • It would be a sucky way to go, sure, but the fact that merely flying overhead destroys an entire city is pretty f--king cool, right?
  • Godzilla rips a monster's head off. Well, one of its heads. But, shocking no one, it immediately grows back. The only thing that could have made this any cooler, is if it just kept happening for like ten minutes, with the big guy just continuously ripping off heads like whack-a-mole.
  • While not super stoked to see Fenway trashed, seeing DC get demolished was pretty sweet. 
  • Dude, upgraded Fire Godzilla was so f--king rad (after he was previously all hepped up on goofballs). It kind of reminded me of the end of the newest Hellboy [review], except 900 times taller (and less of an obvious dick).
  • Everyone knows you don't blow someone's house to Hell and not expect them to kill everyone's face. Didn't you a-holes see the second John Wick?
  • Fine, the bowing was pretty cool, and kinda/sorta got me interested in the next one, assuming it ever happens. I mean, if Godzilla was actually a like, king-King, that could be pretty badass. 
  • And finally, even if the movie didn't really move the needle for me, my son dug it, and so did his friend who happened to be sitting two rows behind us. I was once nine years-old, too, so it makes perfect sense that these two knuckleheads thought it was awesome. Shit. My dad's favorite Godzilla movie? It's this one. I shit you not.
Uh, the Red Sox don't need any more help
destroying this baseball season...but thanks, anyway.
  • The inclusion of the IT: Chapter 2 trailer will probably terrify my son for the rest of his life. Thanks for that, a-holes.
  • Yo, El, thanks for starting things off with 47 consecutive shits. Well, not actual shits, which would have been hilarious, but saying shit repeatedly. (not that I blame her, but still)
  • Aw, baby Mothra. So....murderous.
  • I love Coach Taylor (Kyle Chandler). Love him. But, let's be real. No one gives a shit about your family, Coach. Not a single person on this monster-infested planet cares whether they live or die.
  • Blizzard-like conditions are bad enough, but then to top it off with a giant monster battle in the midst of that snowstorm and you've got the worst Tuesday ever (but such a great excuse to take a day, right?)
  • No lie, there was a point where not only was Matty sleeping (to my left), but so to the older woman to my right. 
  • I don't remember who dropped the You're a monster! line (for clarification, it was from a human to a different human) You think the screenwriter hi-fived everyone in Panera when they came up with that line, or just smugly kept typing? I'm voting the latter....
  • Even with a comparative record number of monsters THERE'S STILL NOT ENOUGH MONSTERS. (turns out, for me, the right number of monsters is more)
  • Maybe it's because I'm old and/or partially blind, but there are too many times where the action in beyond indecipherable. I get it, bad weather follows them, er, or something, but how about one sunny day battle in Tahiti, yeah?
  • There's a point where Mom drives through a devastated Boston that is beyond f--king ridiculous. Ask anyone on the East Coast, you can't drive that fast through Boston on a good day, let alone one where monsters are playing soccer with half the Prudential...
  • And finally, does everything have to be interconnected? I know, the MCU has spoiled us all, but good God I don't think we need everything to be part of an Extended Universe. There's a point where it feels like we're getting feature-length backstories for no apparent reason. Enough happened here where I guess it mattered (maybe?), but if we're just trying to get to Godzilla vs. Kong just fill is in during the credits or something, you know? Because, at this rate (and judging by the box office), we might not even get to the big showdown, you know? Then this middle movie...turns out to be the end.
It looks like this summer is going to be the second consecutive that I don't drag my family to Boston to see a Red Sox game. Actually, I just drove the 800+ miles a week ago with my younger siblings, but the Sox were out of town and we had family to a Fenway Frank wasn't in the cards.

Technically, I already caught a game this year...but it was actually during the school year, so summer trip status can't apply. Not only that, but it was raining, the Bruins were playing in game 2 of the Stanley Cup Finals three miles away...and the Sox up fourteen runs immediately, But what really dragged that visit to Fenway down? I went on the same day we buried my wife's grandmother.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Before you judge me, know that she was a huge Sox fan and always loved that I was too. I'm convinced she would have approved (it was that or watch it in the hotel room, let's be real). Can I say we all mourn in our own very personal ways??? No. No I can't.

Fine. Add another monstah to Boston. Apparently, it's full of them anyway.


  1. "Maybe it's because I'm old and/or partially blind, but there are too many times where the action in beyond indecipherable. I get it, bad weather follows them, er, or something, but how about one sunny day battle in Tahiti, yeah?"

    For me, too many times equaled damn near the whole movie. I just couldn't take it, it was soooooooo bad. Please see Kong: Skull Island, though. So much sunshine...and monsters fighting in it.

    Bambi & Godzilla, really? I had no idea such a thing existed.

    1. Phew, glad I wasn't the only one. I tend to think a lot of recent movies are edited in a way that makes the action nearly indecipherable, but this one, as I recall, was ridiculous. Good to hear that Kong fights in the glorious sunshine!

      Yeah, man. I've never heard my dad laugh so loud...which might be a bit..concerning?

  2. Kong: Skull Island isn't a perfect movie by a long shot but I'll give it one thing, you can see what's actually happening!

  3. I'm glad you talked about the It2 trailer because i also took my child to this and he was also slightly traumatized by the trailer, even though I was trying to cover his eyes lol.

    This was fine, I was hoping for more fights. I'm still going to check out the next installment.

    1. Yeah, I had to pretty much talk him down after than one. Way to go, marketing team. You've traumatized at least two kids (and probably countless more!).

      I was hoping for a lot more fights. In fact, I'm always hoping for more fights. At least, as far as giant monsters are concerned. (not a big fan of the ol' school fights, ya know?)

      Oh, I know they'll rope me in for the next one. Bastards.

  4. Holy shit they put It: Chapter 2 trailer before this? I went to Hobbs and Shaw last night and I think it was PG-13 and it had the final It Chapter 2 trailer AND Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark trailer. What is wrong with people, if we go to see action movies we don't want to be traumatized and we ARE even before the movie begins

    I actually really liked this one, much more than that previous zilla movie where nothing happened

    1. I don't know who's in charge of the trailers, but that f--ker was asleep at the wheel. My kid is pretty cool, but that one rattled him a bit. Ooops. Maybe will show up a bit late to Hobbs and Shaw - thanks for the heads up.

      I will admit it was better that the last one but that's incredibly faint praise! Not only did nothing happen...but if I remember correctly, Godzilla pretty much makes an effing cameo.