I'm having a birthday party, but you're not invited, but you can come if you want.

I did it. Well, we did it.

Today is Two Dollar Cinema's ninth birthday, and as is the time-honored tradition, it's time to look back on the year that was. Prior to the world-crippling pandemic we currently find ourselves in, this past year was, to put it mildly, an absolute f--king shit show. Wait, what?  Did you just say prior?

Me, recycling the same jokes for almost a decade.

In the past twelve months, my grandmother passed away, my aunt passed away, my wife's grandmother passed away, and what really broke my f--king heart, was the death of my loyal pup, Dodger (his passing came out of nowhere). Writing dumb shit about even dumber movies had been getting harder over the years, and with the constant barrage of grief, it became damn near impossible.

But with the unwavering support of a select group of people (and a little help from my kids, shockingly), I was able to go from hanging it up to hanging in, and managed to keep this train on the tracks. And once again, this post is dedicated to them. But more on that in a bit...

In the last twelve months, I managed seventy new films, which comes out to about every five days. While those numbers may seem slight to some of you, that's actually eleven more than the previous year. Forty three were in the theaters (remember them?), ten were Netflix exclusives, with the rest being a disc I bought or some other streaming service. And whatever the Hell Trolls: World Tour counts as, I'm not really sure (I'll check with Brittani, being that she loved it so much).

For brevity reasons, here are my top ten films from the last year in an order I would best describe as...flexible, followed by my bottom ten films. The word I would use to describe them? Competive.

1. Parasite - Wait. The best movie won Best Picture?
2. Knives Out - The only mystery is how RJ will top this.
3. Avengers: Endgame - I saw it 69 movies ago. Really.
4. 1917 - I thought it might kill my dad. Turns out, he wanted me dead after he saw it.
5. Doctor Sleep - I still haven't watched the Director's Cut, but isn't there some warning about erections that last longer than four hours?
6. Peanut Butter Falcon - Ugly crying would have been something to strive for, as I think my entire face became something unholy by the end of this film.
7. Yesterday - Sure, everyone else hated it, but I've rewatched this f--ker six or seven times and it gets better each time. Jack is my absolute hero (his voice!)
8. Crawl - A legit roller-coaster ride. Short, loud and non-stop describes not only this monster movie, but the dump in my pants I took during it.
9. Ready or Not - Or, when I learned that Samara Weaving is my favorite person on the planet.
10. Midsommar - You're on this list, Aster, but I'm not too happy about it, f--ker. *shudder*
Honorable Mentions: Jojo Rabbit (subject to skyrocket upon re-watch) Uncut Gems, Birds of Prey, Zombieland: Double Tap, Toy Story 4

1. The Lion King - I would never violently hurt an animal. Never. But an CGI abomination of an animal...
2. Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker - I have given this one more than a chance or two at redemption and it never fails to disappoint. It's so unrelentingly bad, I actually wish Chewie was on that first transport for his own sake.
3. The Kitchen - I don't remember anything about this film other than hating the absolute shit out of it.
4. Charlie's Angels - What the Hell, Angels? Really?
5. Jumanji 2 - The sequel actually made me not love The Rock for a couple of minutes. Seriously. I came to my senses later, but still.
6. Ugly Dolls - My daughter still mentions this film just to irritate me because she knows how much I hate it.
7. Freaky Friday - Holy shit, how did Disney even make it this far, if this is the shit they used to turn out?
8. The Cat From Outerspace - [see above]
9. Addams Family - You'd think you can't have a sucky movie with Charlize Theron and Oscar Isaac, but you'd be wrong. (it was Pugsley's fault though, all of it)
10. Rambo: Last Blood - This movie is so f--king ridiculous, I might actually love it. But, uh, it's also terrible. And I definitely love it.

Honorable Mentions: In the Tall Grass, Peppermint, MIB International (this actually should have been like #3, but f--k it, too late now), Last Christmas (it's charmingly bad, so...no) and Tusk (on concept[/Long's mustache] alone!)

Shit, I've only got eleven minutes left!

An incredible, Watermelon Sugar flavored shout-out to Margaret at the borderline pornographic cinematic corner. Okay, it's not really that bad, unless you're a straight dude, who's not entirely into sexy men of varying ages, other than it might be considered...bulgey, if that's a word (please God, let it not be). She has been, um, coming here for years and I absolutely love her for it. Speaking of love, an impossibly regimented and refined shout out to Brittani over at Rambling Film, who has also defied all logic, and managed to not only post damn near every single day, but read entirely too much of my ramblings. If baseball ever comes back, I'm rooting for the Twins every day just for her, well, other when they play the Sox. A bearded shout-out to Getter, who I'm offering up my guest room when she hits the states for the Harry Styles abduction that is planned for sometime later this year. Oh, and major love also goes across to pond to Allie who has been kind enough to drop by with a nice word, when she gets the chance.

And to everyone else, I love you too. But they're playing me off!