I think I'm just tired, that's all.

Like the rest of you, I hate feeling stupid.

I will avoid likely wondrous experiences, if there's even the slightest chance I'm going to look like an idiot. I know, I know, but what about the entire contents of this blog? That's different. The shame Two Dollar Cinema brings me can easily be dismissed as something I've done. For a decade. Nobody pulled one over on me. I did this to myself. In that regard, looks like the upper hand is on the other foot.

But this recent transgression? It made me feel so dumb, I was beyond embarrassed. Here I was thinking I'd spent my entire life believing in something, only to have it all turn out to be utter nonsense. Worse? Feeling sad about it...only makes me feel more stupid. And really, there's only one person to blame.

F--k you, Han Solo. 

Because it's been a few weeks since I've seen Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, pinpointing the exact moment I stopped giving a shit about the entire (film?) franchise, might land with the accuracy of Stormtrooper blaster fire. I think I literally threw my hands up somewhere near a certain General's crucial admission, but even before that I was firmly off-board with this latest entry. That's a thing, right? Off-board? Oh, it doesn't make any sense and seems like lazy writing? Seems like there's a lot of that going around these days...

It's too late in the game to rehash the plot, but basically, it's more of the same thing - but worse. Much, much worse. The dead speak, sure, but trust me, it would have been a lot better if they could have kept their f--king traps shut. Instead of spending serious time with Kylo Ren as our main villain, Rise of the Skywalker stitches together the flattened corpse of Emperor Palpatine and casts him as the great and mighty Oz, manning the Snoke machine on some unknown planet. That has a name.



It turns out that the Emperor is not only back in charge, but -get this- always has been. Vader? Emperor did that. Darth Maul? That too. The Sarlacc pit? Dug it himself. All the bad shit that ever happened in a galaxy far, far away, turns out ol' Finger Sparks was pulling the strings.

While I suppose that could have been pretty cool, when he flicks his balls/saps his fingers and 9,000 ships burst from the ocean it all seems a bit...silly. Worse, each ship is armed with, and you might want to sit down for this, planet destroying capabilities. Unless, you know, a rag-tag team of do-gooding hippies can place a well-timed shot into the manufacturer approved weak spot. But there's no way they'd do that again, would they? Nah. Impossible.

But also, yes. Totally yes.

From left to right: Awesome, Awesome, F--k Off, Great, Okay, Pretty Cool

It's not like the movie is all bad, because of course it isn't (and Chewbacca is in it, so let's not get too carried away, you know?). In fact, there are some pretty fantastic scenes along the way (the sword fight in the waves being cool as Hell). Unfortunately, as with The Last Jedi [review] (and perhaps all three of the prequels), it turns out, I'm going to need more than just a few fleeting moments of badassery to really enjoy myself.

Speaking of enjoying yourself, or, um...not, here are the Yays and Boos. I'd tell you they are going to be full of spoilers, but you used the Force and already knew that. Oh, you didn't know that the Force granted you powers of the obvious? It does. It can also heal giant, snarling vagina monsters. But you already knew that too.

I feel you Poe Dameron. I feel you.

Yaaaaaaaaaaa...

...aaaaaaaaaaay!?

• I've actually seen this movie 2.2 times. With this unlimited pass from Regal, I watched the first nineteen minutes one day, instead of waiting in the car for my daughter to get out of Girl Scouts. While I'm sure that seems wasteful (if I didn't like it), I consider it checking my work.
• The opening bit of Kylo Ren just murdering dudes in slow-motion was appreciated, even if the wheels were about to fully fall off...
• Not sure it makes any damn sense (ultimately, none of this does, I know...), but light-speed skipping at least looks cool. 
• Is the little shake R2 does, indicative of a droid''s sexual arousal? Asking for a friend...
• Sure, he's not a popular vote, but the dude who has questions of Palpatine is my absolute favorite new character. I mean, not only is he speaking for the audience, but he also gets violently slammed off the ceiling. What's not to love about his whole arc? (he even has the graciousness to do all of this in under thirty seconds!)
• Even if most of his blood has been replaced with Colt .45, it's good to see Billy Dee Williams back to kicking ass as Lando Calrissian. You can tell this f--king guy is excited to back, unlike 90% of the rest of the cast.
• I got a bad feeling about this! - Lando/everyone paying close attention
• I might be an unrelenting dick with a movie website, but screw you guys, I loved the whole They fly now? bit. (this whole scene in bananas, with the chasing and the blasting, and Chewie going 2-2 in the game of wrecking bitches)
• Sucks it ended up amounting to nothing, but I dug the initial moment of Rey snapping and blowing Chewie's transport to Hell. Even better? The time I saw it with my son? He was crushed. (I'm not a monster, he's just typically a pretty laid-back dude)
  
• Alright, I sense she's just there to add to convention folk's cosplay-rotation, but regardless, Keri Russell as Zorii Bliss? Super hot and all kinds of fantastic.
• Guys, can we just get a movie about the Knights of Ren? They're so frickin' cool. (even when Ren is butchering all of them)
• This is the only Yay he will ever get, but red-eyed C-3P0 was dope.
• It was used in the trailer, but that tracking shot of Poe and Finn wrecking dudes in the hallway totally rattled my lightsaber, youknowwhatImsayin?
• The busted-ass remains of the Death Star looked pretty sweet, too. (maybe this could serve as a reminder about the easily-exploited weakness, perhaps?)
• My bad, Kylo. Rey's healing touch was kind of funny, especially as she's healing Kylo (whom she just stabbed). But the capper? During this poignant moment, someone behind me attempted to whisper (it was more of a groan), This is so stupid.
• Aw, when Chewie learned about Leia's fate? My heart.
• My son is alive. Dammit, man. You guys had to bring back Ford, didn't you?
• Wow. Luke's o-face when he lifts the X-Wing was pretty f--king sexy, right?
• That saber pass ruled. 
• I think we're all underestimating how awesome it was that the only thing on Oscar Isaac's Poe Dameron's mind, after once again saving the galaxy, was getting laid.
• Fine, Babu's pop-up out of nowhere made me laugh in spite of myself (honestly, it's funny...but it's also the equivalent of JJ putting a muppet on his dick and just waving it at the camera)
• And finally, and I know this is entirely the point, as much I'm feeling like I'm done with really caring about anything Star Wars related (I'm forty, it's time), my son absolutely loved The Rise of Skywalker. If I can take my kid to a space opera and he unabashedly loves it, I have nothing to complain about. That said...*rolls up sleeves*

No thanks.

Booooooooooo...

...ooooooooooo!

• So, that triangle thing? It's basically a GPS for Sith? And all you have to do is lazily plug in two USB cords and it works? Uh, if you say so...
• I have a lot of questions about the Snoke Factory. First, this is a place? That is impossibly to find, and you can work there? Hmm. And your boss is basically hooked up to some sort of electronic ab-machine at all times? Ooookay. But, guys, the lighting? Really? I'm trying to build yet another fully-staffed planet destroyer and all this flashing ain't really helping my productivity.
• I'm all for a game of hilarious space chess, but maybe we should play after we get the super secret spy intel uploaded into R2's anus, perhaps? (seriously, it's all a bit loosey-goosey, no?)
• It's probably there to normalize them, but Poe and Rey's incessant quarreling made this seem less Good & Evil, more Will & Grace.
• Holy shit, when members of the Resistance hear that somehow Palpatine has returned their disbelief seems more with script than anything.
• I know they did the best they could, and I appreciate it, but all the Leia stuff seems pretty bad. It's almost like they used footage from another movie. Oh, righttttt.
• Hey, Rose! You coming on this bad-ass mission to avenge your sister? Nah, I've got all this math homework to do.
• I don't know what the Hell is going on in this festival, but I know this little girl is rude as f--k. Keep your f--king beads, jerkface, I HAVE NO LAST NAME.
• For f--k's sake, was there something in C-3P0's contract that guaranteed him 900 lines of dialogue by the end of the last film? Sweet Jesus, the dude wouldn't shut the f--k up. Is there really anyone out there clamoring for more of this golden a-hole? 
• Bad enough we had to watch Rey heal that worm thing, but, uh, how the Hell did they not notice it immediately?
• The directions being easily read on that easily-found knife made me want to easily slide it directly into my eyes.
• We've got Chewie, let's get out of here. 
• There's a spectrum that all droids can be found on. At one end? The lovable and kickass BB-8. And waaaay down at the other end? D-O. Sad. Saaaad. Saaaaaaaad.
• By the way, I'm the mole! *m.brown loads gun* Because Ren wouldn't let me him oil his chest! *shoots screen, self*
• Did I fall asleep (twice), or did Rey, at one point, have Baraka's teeth? *shudder*
• Why the f--k is Dominic Monaghan even in this movie? Are one of the wayfinders located in Mordor?
• What? Both Skywalkers are dead! And cause of death? Intense focus.
• While the space horses are f--king ridiculous, can we all just huddle up and discuss this foot battle...on the wing of a ship...in space? It's pretty much that scene in Teen Wolf where Scott is doing handstands on Style's box-truck. Except exponentially more ridiculous.
• Not gonna lie, but I totally wanted Maz to give Chewie some congratulatory tongue. I can't be the only one....right? Right?
• Palpatine blasting all the ships with his magic fingers was beyond absurd. And believe me, I know absurd.
• Rey who? Oh, I don't know, Random Lady. Rey Gofukyerselv (she's Russian). 
• And finally, the crushing realization that I have been arguing and debating the merits of Star Wars for essentially the better part of my entire life. It's not like this film is the sole reason I feel dumb (obviously, there's a much bigger reason in play), it's just that I really cared about these characters in this universe, and I now question whether the filmmakers (and to an extent, the actors) honestly felt the same way. Maybe they got lost along the way, or maybe I just got old. Either way, the ending was a major letdown. And I feel dumb for expecting more.

So, there it is. The end of an era. I can finally move on from Star Wars and obsess about some other characters from some other universe. 

Well, I intended to, but then The Mandalorian came out, and by the end of it, there I was probably more entrenched in Star Wars than at any moment in my previous thirty-nine years on the planet. Just when I thought I was out...they pull me back in. And all I can say about that? (earmuffs, you little swamp rat)

F--k you, Mando.