Suck it yourself.

Prior to meeting my wife, there had been many women I had wanted to have sex with. Many. 

Clearly, as the adult writer of a blog, I wasn't all that successful, but it was never for a lack of trying. Being that I didn't drink/smoke/sniff glue or whatever, I always had to play the long game, as chance encounters were few and far between. For my wife, I pulled out all the stops: poetry, thoughtful gifts (maybe a mix tape or seven), ten-hour AIM chats across five time-zones, you name it. Hell, I once filled my entire apartment with red and pink balloons (like knee deep) so we could spend Valentine's Day getting high off of the smell of latex together. Aw, sooo romantic (/corny).

What a waste of f--king time. Literally.

Turns out all I needed to do to hump her for hours was kidnap her and throw her off a goddamned boat.

*shakes head* Yeah, I don't think so.

Oh Getter, look what you made me do. See, one of my blogging heroes casually mentions one day that she just watched a terrible movie filled with female nudity, and for the desperate proprietor of Two Dollar Cinema that's essentially like cranking up the f--king Bat Signal. Except instead of a handsome millionaire descending into his cave of weaponry and technology, it was an old fat guy shuffling off to his basement with a journal and a box of tissues.

Just kidding. I didn't bring my journal.

Oh, dear reader, that was (mostly) a joke, which is fitting, because this f--king movie is utterly (and unintentionally) hilarious. Like an hour and fifty-five minute commercial for cologne for your boner, 365 Days is quite possibly the most inexplicable phenomenon I've ever laid my pathetic eyes on. Imagine 50 Shades of Grey [review] minus all the subtlety and nuance. Or if a European sex robot managed to write a screenplay. However this was created, after watching it, you end up f--ked. Hard.

You probably already know (or don't, and I'm so proud of you), but here's how this flick rolls: Massimo, the son of a Mafia boss, watches his dad get blown away atop Eureeka's Castle. Possibly as a result, he becomes an unrelenting sexual predator. Makes sense. Somewhere else, a woman named Laura masturbates furiously because her bald boyfriend has to update his Pinterest page instead of bang her senselessly. Oh, okay.

It helps to sleep like that so your hair, chest and biceps remain dreamy. 

Obviously, with such classical storytelling structure in place, Massimo and Laura are inevitably going to end up together, but not because they each grabbed opposite ends of the same salami at the local market, no. Massimo is going to have his goons kidnap her on the set of the Beat It music video, and demand that she falls in love with him or else. Because as we all know, the line between seduction and abduction is pretty f--king blurry. Oh, and she's got 365 days to do it...or he'll have an endless train of hookers blow him in front of her, which we all know, totally pisses off girls that don't love you.

I could go on and on, and I will - just not here. Let's go ahead and vigorously shag the Yays and Boos, shall we? Oh, anybody got a blacklit apartment that overlooks the city I could borrow? [note: as is tradition with these types of movies (ie, unrelentingly shitty), either everything is a Yay, or everything is a Boo, they are totally interchangeable, but we're gonna divvy up because who the f--k cares?]

Imagine trying to take this guy seriously, when directly behind him
is *that* portrait? Hahahahahahahahaha

Yaaaaaaaa...

...aaaaaaay!

• Hey, it's another guy named Mario! Nice. Oh, he's the worst character in a bad movie...*sigh*
• I initially started this with my wife, who's rather...let's put this nicely...conservative? (she's like a two-hundred year old woman most days) Anyway, she was rather fired up during this one, damn near yelling This movie is a piece of shit, slapped-together mess! Damn, girl. This is on Netflix. You're supposed to Chill.
• If I remember correctly, some lackey asks Massimo to sign for a package while he's got a gun on Laura and her pinned to a wall ass-first. Like, this shit so common, it's okay to interrupt?
• How many Polish girls do you know? Uh...one, actually.
• Why are you looking at it? Do you want to touch it?  Um, I'm not sure, and definitely no.
• Guys, Laura calls Massimo a f--king wop and my life was instantly completed. I thought we'd stopped using wop when the credits of Goodfellas rolled, but thankfully, here we are.
• Okay, I'm pretty sure Laura shit in the fountain. She's so edgy.
• Yep, '[slurping]' officially wins SUBTITLE OF THE YEAR. 
• Our dog, Marilyn, is a 75-pound German Shepard. And every night, when she finally calls it, she lets out the longest old man sigh ever, and it never fails to crack me up. Anyway, after Massimo blurts out I'm gonna f--k you so hard they're gonna hear your scream in Warsaw, Marilyn let it fly and I was like, damn Massi, this shit ain't even working on German bitches.
• Laura's a real champ, you know? You'd think after nearly drowning you'd be real particular about voluntarily clogging your windpipe.
• Fine, even if these days it's going to take quite a bit more to, um, move the needle, the extended sex scene on the boat gets an A for effort.
• Oooh, Olga. I dug her. She at least seemed to enjoy existing. Frankly, I wish she was the main character (she was hotter than Laura, dammit). 
• Well, she was. Then Massimo downloaded the Posh Spice DLC for Laura and things took a welcomed, blonde-r turn.
• Whoa, that wedding dress was really sexy. If you're Gozer the Gozerian.
• And finally, holy shit did I LOVE the ending. It's like even everyone involved was like f--k it, just show those dirty pervs the tunnel - they'll figure it out. 

Wait, this is supposed to be sexy?
Uh, they just f--ked onscreen for 9 minutes, 17 seconds ago.

Boooooooo...

...ooooooooo!

• Bald boyfriend guy f--king sucks. Every scene he's in, I was just hoping someone would murder him. Or me.
• What the f--k was that aggressive blowjob on the plane? Uh, pretty sure that curtain didn't make that (mostly-consensual?) encounter any more...private. It's like putting a bag over your head before you jack off on the bus.
• Are you lost, baby girl? Yes, actually. Very much so.
• I'm not trying to make light of sexual assault in the least, but...this movie could give a f--k about that shit, right? Good God, Massimo is a f--king monster. Like, how are we supposed to root for this relationship? It's like if we saw Beast actually eating baskets full of puppies, right before Belle shows up. I'm not the monster you think I am. No, dude. You're actually way f--king worse.
• Speaking of, I feel like this flick is a mash up of Beauty and the Beast, 50 Shades of Grey, Pretty Woman and a wineglass full of diarrhea. 
• My bad, but I left the subtitles on, and my wife and I were inadvertently privy to the lyrics of the entire (and bewildering) soundtrack. Holy shit, they were so bad, even deaf people probably hated the music.
• While I was admiring Laura's butt, my wife, incensed, spits out, Oh, now she walks on her toes? (Oh, that's your problem with this?)
• Was it me, or was there way too much man-ass in this one? What the Hell? Have they no couth? 
• So, uh...does he actually know what permission is? I didn't think it was that hard of a concept, but Massimo clearly ain't got that shit down.
• Laura falling off the boat was so poorly done, I legit had to rewind it. I thought I had had a small stroke or something and nine seconds of my life had vanished, but nope. It was just that horribly executed. Yet amazing.
• Pretty sure that Massimo couldn't pilot that boat by himself, so imagine all the poor crew members politely staring at their signal-less phones for days as Laura and her man bone endlessly all over the boat? Oh, and the guy who swabs the deck? Jeez, you dip that mop in the ocean, whales would beach themselves immediately.
• F--k me, who are these two wanna-be Queer Eye clowns? You're telling me Massimo has both Siegfried and Roy on his payroll? (RIP, Roy)
• Hey, Anna GTFO and go find your other sleeve, mmkay? No one cares if you had to stare at creepy-ass portraits of Laura while you blew Massimo last Christmas. Keep it movin.
• Uh, not sure I can get behind bathroom counter sex. Even if it only lasted twenty-one seconds, pretty sure Dr. Fauci would advise against it.
• Did anyone else think the bodyguard guy was gonna get it? No. Just me, huh. *womp womp*
• Ladies, we're half-way through what feels like the third film in this trilogy, and you're doing the makeover montage now? No one f--king cared six hours ago.
• And finally, why? Why do I always find myself watching what's trending...when it's the dumbest shit ever. You're probably saying, boobs, prob and you know what? You're right. And that's embarrassing. Wait, did you just say boobs?

My wife's a quitter, so she didn't finish this one with me, giving up after the first night (oh, every movie takes at least three nights these days). Not that I blame her, honestly, as not only was the movie basically shit, but we've been in the process of moving for a month and that mess is all encompassing and exhausting. But what really sucks about the new house? Our mortgage has doubled.

Yep. You know what that means...

No boat money.