Tuesday, November 24, 2020

...I'll eat a bat with you.

It's amazing what you can get used to. 

When even the absolute craziest shit ever, might get you to glance up from your phone for a blink or two, you know humanity is pretty much f--ked. They always talk about lowering the bar, but we all know the goddamned bar melted at the earth's core years ago. And when it did, it didn't even trend on Twitter. Maybe because some handsome young dude said he liked wearing dresses that day, because that? That's UNBELIEVABLE. I mean, what about the children? Won't anybody think of the children?

Anyway, when you do get shocked, you know, when something finally rattles your cage a bit, it can make you feel alive. 

Or dead. It kind of depends on who's behind it.

As the poster may or may not tell you, Sacha Baron Cohen has the biggest balls in Hollywood, and in case that slipped your mind, he reminds us all in the Amazon-exclusive, Borat Susequent Moviefilm. Released way back in October, when Trump was still officially? the President, the sequel narrows Cohen's crosshairs not just on dumb Americans, but dumb Americans under Trump. It's a lot like the first one, but now with added racism! Who knew you could cram any more in there?

It turns out the events of the first film brought great shame to Kazakhstan, so the setup here is that Borat will have to make amends. His plan is to go to America a peace offering (in the form of a monkey), but Borat's newly-discovered daughter becomes the gift instead. It all doesn't really matter, because all absolutely f--king insane. But really f--king funny, too.

Where you and I need oxygen and sunshine to survive, apparently Cohen is able to live and breathe on a combination of danger and cringe, so it's a good thing the second Borat films has a shit-ton of both. Clearly, the guy is an absolute mad-scientist of satire, a giant in whatever-the-Hell genre this is, and as hard as Subsequent Moviefilm can be to watch at times, doesn't mean it's anything short of legendary. Cohen straight up risked his life for this shit! 

There's not really much to say here, honestly. This is like, absolutely nothing.

But the weirdest thing for me? As absolutely shocking as it was...it wasn't surprising. And that might be because I live in America, where gross racist shit...is basically domestic policy. We used to treat people like garbage quietly, and it took work to expose them. Now all it takes are eyes. Though I've somehow (almost) become used to Borat's brand of satirical nonsense, what's even more disheartening is that I've absolutely become numb to the nonsense of his favorite target, the United States of America. Our (hopefully?) outgoing president has been working for years at fully eroding the tattered remains of our national decency, and if I check Twitter, I'm sure he's hard at work, because it's not like he has a f--king pandemic to worry about.

Alright, enough. I could bitch and moan all day, but you're probably used to that, too. How about we shake things up with the Yays and Boos? Oh...right. [note: there is absolutely no effing way to discern between the Yays and the Boos in this film...sometimes it's good cringe, sometimes it's bad cringe...]

Like, initially...you're thinking, wow, this is awkward.

  • Ah, there's something special about hearing that voice again. A decade and a half of bad impersonations will do that to you...
  • I don't know why his mention of his non-male son made me laugh so hard, but it's soooo sexist, I died.
  • May all your shits have antlers seems like something we'll eventually see on a t-shirt or two.
  • That poor dude sending all of Borat's faxes seemed so nice, didn't he? What a champ.
  • While it's not quite Jackie Daytona, the John Chevrolet/Cliff Safari aliases were pretty frickin' solid.
  • Holy shit, the no means yes section? Pretty sure I was crying there...
  • Cake Store Lady was...something else, wasn't she? I have a hard time believing that anybody would roll so casually with some top-tier racism, but she didn't bat an eye did she?
  • Okay, probably my favorite part of the whole movie involved the eating of a cupcake near a dumpster. No, not because it reminds me of most weekends in high school, but because the ensuing bit was nothing short of soul-shttering. I should have seen what would happen next coming, but I didn't. Either way, this set up? This bit? F--KING TREMENDOUS. Maybe the pinnacle of 'horrible misunderstanding' cinema ever.
  • Next on the list, and just barely, is the unbelievable debutante ball. This scene is the stuff of nightmares/legends, it's so bad/amazing...I kind of never want to see it again. Check that, I definitely don't want to see it again. A man can only handle so much moon blood.
  • Earnestly referring to Mike f--king Pence as the vice pussy-grabber may be the highlight of 2020.
  • Alexa, order fla(e)shlight is so f--king stupid, you have to respect it.
  • YOU HAVE ONIONS IN THIS HOUSE? It's not only the delivery of this line that killed me, but the fact that it's maybe the only quote I can say in front of my kids earns it all kinds of bonus points.
  • And on the other end of the quote spectrum, My back pussy very tight. Probably not one for the dinner table (also not really sure when it would come up, you know?).
  • Maria Bakalova is an absolute force. I would have guessed that there wasn't a person on this planet that could out-Borat Sacha Baron Cohen, but this young lady is a f--king deadpan machine. Honestly, these two are so fearless, if I were working on the crew, I'd call my wife and tell her I loved her before every day of filming. Kiss the kids for me...
  • And finally, not only the ending of the second Borat, but also the likely end of the Borat character. Whether or not Kazakhstan's finest export has reached some sort of logical end-of-the-road is debatable (he essentially almost ends mankind), but I honestly fear for Cohen's safety if he keeps at it. Watching this guy in (and frankly, out of) character is an absolute privilege, but I certainly don't want him to get shot doing it.
At least she finally got in the car.
  • What the Hell was with the guy hammering the box? Dude was a but...aggressive, no?
  • What is it with horrid lipstick colors? Somewhere in my life of unrelenting immodesty, I picked up the term dog-dick red. I always hoped it would stop there. Alas, that is not the case. Welcome to my brain, monkey-cock...red? *shudder*
  • I think I covered my eyes when Borat says something to the effect of, I wanted to blend in, and shows up in a full Klan gear. *double shudder*
  • Your titties will not keep you from drowning. I, respectfully, disagree. 
  • Holy shit, Tutar's speech about masturbation was possibly the most uncomfortable room I've ever seen, outside of all my job interviews ever. 
  • That's not a woman - that's Dog the Bounty Hunter.
  • Goodness, Borat's 'Jew' disguise or whatever he called it was so offensive, I had to look away. Once I stopped laughing.
  • Were those two racist jerk-offs legit? They were effing ridiculous, sure, but I'm not sure I fully bought them and their conspiracy-theory bullshit. (granted, I'm originally from Texas, and those guys were the guys. Like, all my friend's dads were just like 'em)
  • I was soooo nervous at the rally. So so nervous. The song was funny as Hell, but it wasn't a tune everybody in the crowd was licensed to carry.
  • And finally, the Rudy Giuliani scene. Yeah, it was just as awful as the leaked footage led us to believe, but how does something like this not sink that ghoul forever? Sure, he probably died years ago in a discount Russian brothel, but can Satan please renege on whatever deal they made and banish that clown to Hell forever? He's soooo f--king creepy, it's unsettling. And that's not even considering the fact that his scalp leaks battery acid.
When I started writing this post, the election had only recently ended and Trump was still bitching and moaning (from Twitter, naturally) about illegal votes and a rigged election. At last check, he had finally relented...somewhat, and is now apparently willing to be dragged kicking and screaming across the White House lawn. I know that means he isn't going away for ever...

...but that f--ker not being our President? 

That I could really get used to.


  1. Maria Bakalova is perfection. I still laugh thinking about when she's in the car with the babysitter driving for the first time. That was so perfect.

    Guiliani can claim "edited out of context" all he wants but you can't edit out horny. It's ridiculous that people just look past that shit. He was being creepy.

    1. For real, she is! I can't imagine keeping up with Cohen. Oh shit, I forgot about the babysitter. That lady was an absolute champ.

      I honestly can't fathom that anyone with eyes and eyes (and presumably, an unlimited budget) would ever look at Guiliani and say THAT'S MY GUY. Unreal. And this movie? His bit? It was like nothing. Like we cared for a day, and then it didn't matter. Mind-blowing (not that the scene is all that much of a big deal, but he's the sitting president's attorney ffs - wilddddd)

  2. I still can't get over some of the scenes in this movie. That cupcake bit might just be the best bit of misunderstanding I've seen EVER!

    1. HAhahaha, right? It was just soooo well played, I couldn't handle it. Just HYSTERICAL.

  3. Yey for Jackie Daytona shout out! I love that Maria is probably getting an Oscar nomination for this