Tuesday, October 27, 2020

He's not dead. I just can't see him.

As a little kid, I'd always choose flight, because, Hell, it's flight. Like, you could just fly around the world like Superman, or, because I'm old so very old, like Mighty Mouse. Or, and I'm not a hundred percent sure on this, Captain Caveman. Regardless, you were flying, and that was all that mattered. You saw yourself zooming over your neighborhood like the opening shot to every kids' movie ever, and you'd think there's nothing better, that would be amazing.

But when young boys become young men, things change, and instead of the super-hero ability of flying, you choose invisibility, because, well, boobs. I'm pretty sure that was all I was thinking about, and quite frankly, I'm kind of pissed that I had to consider this hypothetical, when that's less time for pondering, the aforementioned chesticles. Because in your teenage boy mind, there's nothing betterand they would be amazing.

Maybe there's something better, but you know what also is pretty amazing? Leigh Whannell's updated look at the Universal classic, The Invisible Man

While that might be a bit of an overstatement (it's good), after catching the preview in the theater back when those were a thing, I had zero expectations the film would be anything more than more rehashed garbage for a variety of reasons. It was being released in February, it didn't really have anybody in it, and the biggest offense? The preview showed the whole goddamned movie. Oh, and a little bit of guilty-by-association with that f--king updated Mummy flick [review] with Tom Cruise, because that movie can suck all the dicks, whether they've preserved for all eternity or not.

While I've never seen the original flick from 1933, and my memory of Hollow Man is spotty at best (did Kevin Bacon show his invisible wang, or am I just wishing out loud?), this latest version of the classic tale features an optics inventor/eccentric millionaire nutjob stalking his (theoretically) now-widowed wife, Cecilia. Yeah, according to everyone but Elizabeth Moss' character, the maniacal Tom offed himself a while back likely after casting his mail-in ballot for Trump. Good riddance, as the minute we spent with this guy was nothing short of toxic. And not the fun Britney Spears dressed as a flight attendant kind, but more of the date-rapey, woman-hating, full on f--kface variety. Oh, that kind.

Cecelia wants to believe this good news about his grisly suicide, but Tom was a top-shelf asshole, so she's pretty f--king skeptical, to put it mildly. Lucky for her, she's now living with good friend James, a full-time cop and single father/part time chiseled Greek god. I don't know about her, but I feel safe, even with that mysterious chair indentation and unrelenting sense of dread around every corner.

No shit? I didn't plan on ever seeing this movie (and you know I'll see anything) until I recently saw a tweet about the restaurant scene, and I was instantly intrigued. And while I hate people, I love gathering, so this much-liked bit of nonsense on my phone was all I needed to give it a shot.

Imagine your house being so big you've never seen an entire wing of it...

Guys, I was already into the movie (even though it was all fairly...familiar [damn that trailer]), but can I just tell you? THAT MOTHERF--KING SCENE DID NOT DISAPPOINT. On my couch, in a moderately lit room, I audibly gasped, like loud enough to wake the kids. Hell, I'm pretty sure my wife legit died for five or six seconds. She's fine now. 

I think.

Who isn't thinking, ever, are the Yays and Boos. As much as I enjoyed The Invisible Man, I'm vigorously kicking myself in the nuts that I didn't catch it in the theater. Mainly because it would have been electric, but also partly due to the fact that my last theatrical visit was for Bloodshot [review] and the only thing you can't see in that one is Vin Diesel emoting. 

My wife,  when I ask if she's still awake.....
  • You know, if you're a psycho piece of human garbage, you might as well embrace it. The grand acts of murderous intent are one thing, fine, but can we give it up for standing on a sheet? That shit is tremendous, right there! It's such a small act, but such a huge eff you.
  • Hahaha, Tom's own brother hated him. Well...he said he did.
  • In the trailer, they showed Cecilia dousing invisible Tom in paint, and it always lit a fire under my son. Dad, THAT'S SO SMART. Six months later, when I tell him I watched the movie, he doesn't even let me fini-THE PAINT THING, DAD. SHE DID THE PAINT THING, RIGHT? SO SMART.
  • Yo, the technical wizardry, at times, was phenomenal. That kitchen fight was f--king bananas. As was the madness at the hospital! 
  • I know I already mentioned it, but the chaos at the restaurant was legendary. Not only what happens, and how it goes down, but the f--king reaction from everyone else afterward is equally thrilling. 
  • And finally, even if it's ridiculous, the suit is bad ass. And this 'Goof' from IMDB makes it even better: "In order for Adrian's suit to work, it must cover him completely. Any person covered completely by such a suit would likely have a heat stroke and die within minutes of putting it on, as the body's main way to release excess heat is through the skin. This could be solved by a liquid cooling setup with an external radiator such as the kind used in spacesuits, but there's no indication Adrian is wearing anything like that. In addition, such a circulation system would have a pump and fan that both make noise, giving away his presence. Furthermore, this raises the question of when and where he's finding the time to eat, drink, and take care of his personal hygiene. After several days of sweating inside that suit and not showering, his smell alone would be overpowering." Holy shit, did you read it all? Me too! Hahahahahaha. 

You see an attic,
but it might as well be marked Police Evidence.

  • Why does every rich a-hole have to have a house that looks like Elon Musk built his own IKEA? 
  • Tom, you're a controlling monster, we get it. But you can also stoically punch through a car window? Check his birth certificate, does it say Cyberdyne?
  • Okay, I have had some bad job interviews, but usually I pass out from shame and embarrassment afterwards. (and why did that guy want to jump her bones so badly? was that by design or did the actor just have a raging boner?)
  • Look, I'm all for low-key hostility (the rug, for example), but sending a shitty e-mail to a family member? That's just rude. [insert hard stare from Paddington]
  • But, uh, the hitting of a certain someone was the ultimate dick move. I actually got upset about that. Usually I dig those helpless moments for our protagonist, but that shit made me rage inside.
  • Whoa, whoa, whoa. James gets to work this case? Really? Were all the other detectives at lunch?
  • Honestly, that's kind of what you get for being rude to the waitstaff...just saying. #serversunite
  • And finally, really Tom? Sushi for a pregnant lady? I thought you were some kind of genius. You don't seem like the kind of dude who springs for previously frozen fish, so, uh...hope you like diarrhea. Other people's anyway...
I kind of slipped it in there, um, but if you can believe it, my wife watched this whole flick with me, and she didn't fall asleep. She claims (and has for years) that she hates scary movies, but I want to use The Invisible Man as a springboard, maybe build up a little blood-soaked momentum. I tried Gerald's Game, the movie, not...handcuffs and an almost-dead dog, but she wasn't in to it. Any other suggestions? Oh, and make it quick - the election is in a week.

I mean after that, I'm assuming we won't need movies to scare the shit out of us. Angry and/or Jubilant red hats will take care of that.


  1. Hey, great minds think alike. My review went for this, too.

    Kevin Bacon's wang was not always invisible in Hollow Man, and yeah, seeing boobs is definitely part of the reason he chose invisibility.

    Your wife must have been really into this one. Cool.

    Ugh...election day. The red hats are always angry. I just hope there will be disappointment to go with it.

    That "goof" imdb entry on the suit was EVERYTHING.

    1. I will check it out immediately. Well, once I'm off this Zoom (shhh....our secret)

      Aw, crap. I knew something about his johnson was in that movie...weird that's what I (barely) remember. Hmmm.

      She was, man. Like, hanging on the edge of her seat which is an absolute rarity.

      For real. Very worried about Pennsylvania. Oh, and the whole fate-of-the-free-world thing, too. F--k me.

      WASN'T IT??? I'd say 'who spends all that time typing something so ridiculous' but uh, you know...something about glass houses comes to mind...

  2. "Why does every rich a-hole have to have a house that looks like Elon Musk built his own IKEA?" This might be my favorite sentence I ever read in a review 😂

    1. Hahaha...thank you.

      Seriously though, do rich people not believe in clutter? Or at least...pillows? General warmth? It's so odd.

  3. You and Dell have some weird mind thing going on today!
    I really enjoyed this one, and I was expecting nothing from it. I'm always quiet at the cinema but that restaurant scene got me up in my seat with a "oh shit!"
    It Follows was the movie that got me into the horror genre if that's any help but either way, good luck!

    1. I think Dell and I are long-lost twins sometimes,

      Pretty much the same. Had zero expectations headed in and had a REALLY good time with it. I would have killed to have seen it theatrically! So jealous!

      I thought about It Follows with my wife, but if I remember correctly, it's pretty quiet at times and that pretty much guarantees she's snoring like a drunken sailor, but I appreciate the suggestion!!

  4. "this much-liked bit of nonsense on my phone was all I needed to give it a shot."

    A single tweet got you to watch something you say? *sharpens knives*

    1. HAHAHAHAHA....did you see my tweet? IT'S HAPPENING.