Monday, June 4, 2012

Can't wear underwear. Balls don't fit.

I think since my son was born, my wife and I have been out together five times. Two weddings, three dinner-and-a-movies, if I remember correctly. My mom is visiting us from Hawai'i, and ideally, she will be watching our son periodically so that we can go out and enjoy ourselves. She might not be the best babysitter, but she's gotta be better than Jonah Hill.

Looking around online, I couldn't determine whether 2011's The Sitter was a direct remake of 1987's Adventures in Babysitting. The stories share a similar plot, but one huge difference exists. I could watch the ultra-sexy Elizabeth Shue forever. Jonah Hill, while at the time rather buxom himself, not so much.

To his credit, Jonah Hill is a pretty funny bastard. His trademark under-the-breath insults are on full display here. So if you enjoy his schtick, stop reading and go give this one a spin. I think I spent more time looking at the titles available in my closest Redbox than I did watching this one (81 minutes? Yes, please).

Now, this guy is seriously the worst babysitter ever. He's rude, indifferent around kids (um, he hates them), and pretty f--king lazy. Oh, and he's way more interested in hooking his girlfriend up with some candy than the well-being of the three rotten kids. Of course, that's how it begins. But guess what? Major surprise! He actually has a heart of gold. Guess what else? In the end, not only will he love the kids, but -shocker- they'll love him too.

Goodness, I've been working on this review on and off for a few days now, so let's break this one down, adventures-in-blogging style.

Inadvertently pushing women down is always funny.
  • Sure, it's an awful song, but I Want to Sex You Up might be a candidate for the soundtrack hall of fame.
  • Their characters leave a lot to be desired, but you can't go wrong with the duo of JB Smoove and Sam Rockwell.
  • Blithe, the daughter, is really cute. The bible is a hot book.
  • Sweet Morrissey reference.
  • It's so small, but I died when he punched the clothes at the ghetto TJ Maxx.
  • For the rest of my life, I will refer to The Devil Wears Prada as Devil Wears P. Seriously.
  • Getting Fontained into a shelf is hysterical. Hill just buckles. Dude started out such a nice guy, too.
  • I like the idea of ranking my best friends. You're my eighth best friend just for reading this.
He has his moments, but strange things are afoot at the Circle-K.
  • He might've come around by the end, but I hated Rodrigo. I wanted to punch this kid in the juevos.
  • Man, not reciprocating in the bedroom? The ultimate boo.
  • I like weird shit, but the underground gym? Almost too weird.
  • Okay, I consider myself moderately charming, but Jonah Hill's like a Jedi with that shit. He scores multiple hotnessess, despite being a fat prick. The sistas love this fool. As does Method Man, naturally.
Look, I've been working on this one for days and I'm relieved that it's finally over. What was the holdup? Well, my son basically freaks out as soon as I'm on the laptop. Maybe I should have someone watch him, huh?

What's that? You're interested? You know I can't pay you, right? Okay, cool. Just leave your contact info in the comments. Thanks. Should be safe, finding childcare on the web...

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