Tuesday, June 12, 2012

You know that I will settle for nothing short of greatness, or I will die trying.

My mom was pregnant with me when she saw Alien. I imagine at some point she wondered if the being  inside of her was going to burst out of her stomach and start attacking everyone's face. Fortunately, no. Well, not quite. I destroy humanity by pointless rambling and typos. Anyway, last night, in the midst of a minor storm in South Carolina, my older brother and I tried to coax our mother to go to the movies with us to see the origin story of those famous creatures. Despite raising four boys (and a girl) my mom replied, I don't like monsters. 

If only the poster could make that screaming/siren sound from the trailers.
Ah, Prometheus. I wanted to love you so much. I wanted you to be the best thing ever. I wouldn't classify my feelings as disappointment, no, just not what I'd hoped for.  Probably the way my mom would describe most of her kids, oddly enough.

I had avoided reviews (and essentially, the internet) the way a biologist avoids slippery, white alien beings. Wait, like he should have avoided them, for the week leading up to the release of Ridley Scott's latest. The ultra-effective previews were the main culprit, as you couldn't turn on the television without seeing one of the kickass trailers.

Real quick. My excitement did get kicked in the nuts when Coors Light and the NBA Playoffs (on ESPN) were being tied into Prometheus. Apparently, nothing says outer space alien origin story like Lebron James and beer that tells you when its cold. Although overrated and nonsensical do sort of correlate.

Look, I liked this movie. It's beautiful, it's creepy and the 3D was pretty kickass (my brother had to see it that way), I just didn't love it the way I thought I would. What I did love, without reservations, was the cast. Everybody delivers, but this is undoubtedly Michael Fassbender's show. I grew up thinking Lance Henriksen's Bishop character in Aliens was the coolest droid ever, but not by a long shot. Sure the knife between the fingers thing was badass (and replicated with a friend and a pencil numerous times), but how about riding a bike and nailing a hookshot? Huh? Piss off, Bicentennial Man. Or, or knowing every language ever (suck on that, C-3PO)? Let's not even get into the fiendish trickery David's up to, either. He's like a tangible/dreamier HAL-9000. Let's just say he's not the best, um, son either. He may not know true emotions or need to breathe oxygen, but dude's got shit-eating grin down pat. Damn, this guy sounds like family. Mom, quick question...did you ever give birth to an android in the future? Mom? M-ooo--om!

Let's break this one down in a popular style around these parts, the ol' I-think-I-have-more-questions-than-answers style, shall we? I'm proud to announce that the Yays and Boos are brought to you today by the generous folks at the Weyland Corporation. Nothing sinister about that...

If you go down there, you're going to die.
  • The Engineers are some pretty badass dudes. 
  • Why don't more movies use flamethrowers? 
  • I have been in a room where a baby was delivered. Prometheus recreates the terror of this event almost perfectly. (Best scene of the movie? Anyone?)
  • When the alien/monster things show up, it's incredible. I especially enjoyed the it's breaking my arm part. The wuss next to me almost did a backflip he was so scared.
  • I love a good quirky crew. Always have. Big ups to Scottish Douche and Cool-Haired Asian Guy. Oh, and Gun Guy. Even if he only gets one line.
  • The captain of the ship was a true badass. Potentially even a BAMF of the month. M. Hufstader! Hook that up, please.
  • The end. That's what I was waiting for. It didn't make sense, but I loved it.
Droids are just like people. Only sexier.
  • Okay, I love Guy Pearce. I do. But, really? I mean, I'm pretty sure actual old people exist. Pretty sure some of them are actors, too.
  • And speaking of Mr. Weyland, he's basically a mash-up of Montgomery Burns and Dr. Evil. Seriously, his outfit screamed sharks with frickin' laser beams on their heads.
  • The captain sings a line from an old song. Old for us. For him, that shit's ancient.
  • The crew is searching for the origin of mankind. Guess what I was searching for? ACTION. I would have sat there for another twenty more minutes if some of the ass-kicking had been extended. I know that sometimes less is more, but I really, really wanted more. Lots more.
  • Ridley Scott has already discussed the director's cut. If Blade Runner had five cuts, what are we going to get here, nine? I already have a favorite cut. It's the one that I understand.
    BOTTOM LINE: Go see it. If only so you can answer the 2,094 questions that I have. That said, this better not be the Gold Medal winner this summer. Dark Knight Rises, you're up.

    BY THE WAY:   What the Hell was up with The Life of Pi? That was a lot of fish-slapping weirdness.


    1. "I destroy humanity by pointless rambling and typos. " Oh God, this is my favorite review on this blog and first review of Prometheus which states word 'disappointed' I actually respect. I really loved the film, totally agree with you on the birth being the best scene. One quention - why do you think ending doesn't make sense? It was the forth form of the creature.

      1. I'm trying to be spoiler free (I guess...), but explain to me how we get the final alien. Wasn't it trying to get her? She basically gave birth to it, right? So it was going to come out of her (through the guy), grow ginormous, then enter her again?

        And what were the hologram guys running from?

        Sorry. I tend to um, type in circles.

        Help. Me.

      2. The alien that came out of her stayed in the medpod and then attacked the first thing that it saw - the Engineer. It was basically like a facehugger, infected the Engineer and that is how we get the final creature.

        The hologram guys where running away from the Alien we know and love - remember the pile of their bodies with holes in their chests? They were infected and died. Presumably the Engineers created the Aliens and they escaped and turned on them.

      3. Thanks for that.

        The created aliens were called WMD's. Got it. Something man creates that will inevitably lead to its downfall.

        (Loved your list, by the way)

    2. The birthing scene was the greatest scene. And I love how Elizabeth Shaw went through the rest of the movie with staples in her abdomen. It made the whole ending sequence so amazing and ridiculous.
      Mom told me that she thought she was going to go into labor from watching Alien in theatres. I mean, "going to go into labor" the same way she "almost shit". And, being a much wiser and older sibling, you totally nailed how mom most likely thinks of us on the head. I laughed pretty loudly upon reading that.
      I just thought it was stupid how the movie was really on a roll, and things are going nuts at the end, and oh my gosh, what's going to happen AND THEN SHE FLEW AWAY. End. Roll credits. gtfo. There's no way that this will be better than Dark Knight Rises. There's no way. I'll kill the first person I see when I leave the theatre.
      Also, if he's an android, why did he bleach his hair? Does it grow? Did you notice his finger print when he has the liquid alien on his finger?
      Lastly - "Sorry Flem"?! Did he like this movie?

      1. I think your summation of the end (culminating with gtfo, of all things) was brilliant.

        As for your anticipation for Dark Knight Rises, I'm with you, I'll just settle for punching someone in the face/balls if it disappoints.

        And my apology to Flem is that I pledged to see it with him. I opted for B. Russo instead (can you believe he watched a pirated copy online - and liked it?). The spectacle was 3/8 of it for me.

    3. Great write-up.

      Totally agree about Guy Pearce. What a waste of his talent.

      Thankfully Fassbender picked up the slack.

    4. Also, did you stay for the credits? I didn't learn about it until after I saw it the first time. It's really not a big deal, but there is a little something (it's not a scene) at the end.
      Saw it in 3D last night though. What a waste of money.

      1. I liked the 3D. Thought it was pretty cool (did you know Bryan is a TOTAL 3D whore?).

    5. The promotion for this film made it look freakin’ awesome but also, a lot like Alien and I think that’s the big problem with the film. It’s pretty much the same formula used over again and even though Scott tries his hardest to get our heads past that, it’s too obvious, too quick. Good review M.

      1. Dan, I honestly think I've only seen the first Alien film once in it's entirety. I know it's lame to saw the second one is better, but I recall enjoying that one much more (loved the crew - Paxton especially).

        You're right on the fact that it's the same formula, but that didn't really bother me. I just wanted more action. And more answers.