Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Ebert wouldn't wipe his crack with this trash.

I used to wait tables on a beach in Hawai'i. As anyone who has worked in a fancy (ish) hotel can attest - you see your fair share of celebrities. I remember one of my fellow servers (despite often being referred to as waitress) Greg, a giant of a man, running up to me girlishly excited to tell me that I had none other than Alex Trebek in my section. Perhaps Greg was the biggest Jeopardy! fan alive (though, um, intelligence didn't appear to be his strong suit), but I didn't see the reason for the madness. Especially when I got to table 24 to find the sitcom father of Mike Seaver. I'm sorry, let me phrase this in the form of a question: Who is Alan Thicke?

Years later, I found myself at another dead-end job, this time at a warehouse in Oaks, Pennsylvania. There, we filled orders for copier parts all day, every day. I was a loyal employee to what was a rather shitty job. One day, a man came to Philly that made as excited as giant Greg. I'm speaking of none other than the star of last night's flick, Bruce Campbell.

Um, Boss, my wife's car brokedown in Philly. I gotta go get her.

My Name Is Bruce is a film made for (and about) the kind of people that would leave work early to meet Bruce Campbell. That doesn't mean it's good or anything, it's just got a very narrow target audience. You're reading a movie blog, so you already know about Campbell and his schtick, And if you don't? Stop reading and go watch Army of Darkness. Now.

When I told my friend Flem this one was in my queue, he immediately uttered Oh, that sucked. It was horrible. Then he clucked and made robot noises. I think. Anyway, the bar was pretty frickin' low already, and Flem's eloquent words utterly demolished my expectations. Bruce Campbell is a self-admitted B-movie star. Friends, on it's best day, this flick is a C movie. Take Campbell out of this? You'd be more entertained watching a dog take a dump. On your lawn.

Nine Word Plot Summary- Go! Actual Bruce Campbell must save rednecks from Chinese demon.

Yikes. Let's just shoot some Yays and Boos in the face with a shotgun, the-movies-that-are-the-easiest-to-make-are-the-hardest-to-watch style.

  • I like the idea of having two chicks named Little Debbie and Big Debbie. I love that both these sluts got killed quickly. Bonus points for death by throw.
  • It's obvious, but I dig the fact that Campbell plays himself as a huge prick who's basically a poor, ass-grabbing slob that no one likes.
  • Okay. The chick featured in the picture here, is the ultimate representation of the Dush Factor. In some scenes? My love for you is ticking clock, Berserker. Others? Buzz. Your old girlfriend! Woof. If you don't get my references, well, just know that she has an incredible rack.
  • I love when people in wheelchairs get kicked. Apparently, so does Campbell.
  • I think referring to someone affectionately as you ol' ballsack! is just about the greatest thing ever.
  • Try not to blow anybody till I get back.
  • Bruce Campbell. I know, it's obvious. But even shitty Bruce Campbell, is like awesome Everyone Else.
Dude is actually worse than he looks. Yeah, I know. Impossible.
  • I swear the device you're reading this on is at least triple the budget of this flick.
  • Worst Villain Ever. Imagine the worst character from Mortal Kombat had sex with Ultraman and you'd get this guy. He is the patron saint of bean curd. Read that again. Wait. Don't.
  • One character always quotes Bruce Campbell and it comes off as super lame. What, what, what? That's why no one liked me in high school. And college. 
  • Gay rednecks? Surprise! Not funny.
  • Abundance of musical interludes. Weird? Yes. Catchy? Sadly, yes.
  • White Guy playing Old Chinese Guy.
  • You make a incredibly low budget horror movie! You cast an unknown lady with gigantic boobs! And you have the stones to not show them. Un. For. Givable.
You know, that day I waited in line for over an hour to meet Bruce Campbell. I watched as people walked out happily holding armfulls of autographed stuff. I deliberated over what clever thing to say to him (I settled on the topic of Randy 'Macho Man' Savage, of all things). When I finally got there, I was informed that Bruce was now only signing one item per person. I had his book (you had to buy it) and a copy of The Evil Dead. I placed the DVD sleeve in front of him and he looked at his people and said something to the effect of, I thought it was 'books only' at this point. Some muttering between the two. Well, I guess it's still one autograph, right? Scribble, scribble. No eye-contact. No clever banter. Next in line!

Thanks, Bruce.

So with this flick, that's twice you screwed me over. Don't worry, I still love you. F--ker.


  1. This film is so bad, but I love it just for Bruce. Have you seen Man With The Screaming Brain?

    1. Yeah, it really is. But damn it - you can't hate Campbell.

      As for Man With The Screaming Brain, I think I've come across it once or twice, but never actually watched it.

      You got five words to sway me either way?

      (I really dig your site by the way - well done)

  2. Campbell was great, the movie was mediocre.

    That is cool you met Bruce...he should have given at least some eye-contact though.

    1. At least, right?

      Nah, it's cool. I hate when I hear celebrities are shitty based on one chance encounter. I'll give the guy the benefit of the doubt. The 9,000 people in front of me seemed to be thrilled as they were leaving.