Thursday, August 2, 2012

Costco's for members only.

I hate where I live. The immediate surrounding area is okay, but give it a couple of minutes and you're in the shit. We live on the corner of a very busy road (what we were thinking, I have no idea), but as you head up our street it gets pretty quiet. Outside of Nosy Lady, who somehow is always outside regardless of what time I walk my dog, there isn't much going on. Well, we do have a Scary House too, but I've never seen those people. Just the giant lizard cage they've made out of their large front window (baffling). But the one thing that really ruins my neighborhood more than anything? No f--king Costco. I'd take an alien invasion for some Kirkland Signature any day.

It has always bothered me when they're not under their own names.
Tuesday night, aka Bargain Night, I managed to catch the 10:30 showing of The Watch. I hadn't really investigated it, but the general sense suggested that it wasn't very good. With that in mind, me and the other nine people in theater 2 (where I had been that morning for Chimpanzee) sat back and had a few laughs (and drinks, too, as I heard some cans get cracked). And while no guts busted, and maybe only a knee or two slapped, I think everyone enjoyed themselves. At least I did.

Maybe it's the unfulfilled potential, or the pedigree of those involved, but I'm not quite sure what everyone expected. I went in looking for dumb guys to do dumb shit and I got exactly what I was looking for. Maybe the preview gave away a lot of the good bits, but it still had just enough surprises to keep me hooked. And, I'll admit it. I actually snorted once.

You know the story, but I'll wrap it up in three lines just in case. Four guys in Ohio form a neighborhood watch after someone is brutally murdered in their small community (though big enough to have a Costco, f--kers). Turns out, it's not that simple, as aliens have entered Glenview and are apparently going to, surprise, destroy the planet. The police are worthless a-holes (though you gotta respect Chucho), so it's up to these four rejects to get shit done.

It must've been hard for Stiller to play uptight, Older Guy.
The big three of Stiller, Vaughn and Hill all do what they've been doing for years, which is fine by me. Stiller's neurotic, Vaughn won't shut the Hell up, and Hill is a foul-mouthed prick. Those three would have been enough, but the addition Richard Ayoade really sold me. Not only is he rather goofy-looking, damn near everything he says is quietly hysterical. My favorite two, These just shit, and I'll get your name in due course, while decidedly not funny in print, both cracked me up in the theater. And on a average Tuesday night, you can't ask for much more than that.

Hopefully your own neighborhood is a nice place, overflowing with Yays, while severely lacking in the Boos. Let's break this one down, I-can't-believe-they-had-to-change-the-name-of-this style.

If you listen closely, you can hear Eazy-E.
  • I actually have four brothers. Ed, Bryan, Nickos and Costco. He's all over our house.
  • It's time to come outta the pool, Denise. Been there, sadly.
  • Dr. Manhattan! This dude's not only a golden god, but I was shocked he was in this. 
  • And, he knows how to throw a party. 
  • Don't bother bringing the batteries, he's good.
  • Circle-jerking. Casually, no less.
  • Will Forte is the ultimate a-hole cop. I love how there's really no authority in this movie whatsoever. Like in Superbad, the cops are the same kind of dicks as our guys, they just have [more] guns. Loved his resuscitation technique, too.
  • Hill busts into the police station and demands, suck a fat d--k, Chucho. That killed me.
  • Any movie with R. Lee Ermey is okay by me.
  • And also, the ball-sucking was a real eye-opener. Oh, Jamarcus. 
  • The closing ass and ass collector conversations was one of the funnier bits.
  • While the action does take a back seat, the final shootout was pretty solid. Lots of slo-motion d--k jacking. Seriously.
Even guys from out of town are welcome in The Watch.
  • Considering the badass gangsta-rap soundtrack, I was underwhelmed with the bass. It should have been rattling my ass, not soothing it.
  • We needed more Jamarcus time. We did.
  • This sub-plot with Stiller's wife. I was hoping that it was going to be resolved by alien technology, but no dice. At least then it would have been worth bringing up.
  • While it's not terrible, it should have been funnier. Or for some of you, that should read funny.
Inadvertently, I've been going against the grain this summer with what I've enjoyed and what I haven't. This one, despite all the Yays, is simply okay. But I'm not going to say it sucks balls simply because that's what everybody else thinks. With the right expectations, I think you'll have a good time. That said, it's not probably not going to wow you.

Just like living in my neighborhood, actually.


  1. Good review M. This movie bothered the piss out of me and just failed at actually being funny. Sucks too, because the talent they have involved with this movie can be terribly, whenever they want to that is.

    1. I don't know, Dan. I had a good time. Hill and Ayoade were awesome.

  2. Great review! This sounds like an entertaining movie and Hill always makes me laugh so I'll try to catch it once it's on DVD.

    1. It seems universally hated, but I think it's worth seeing, especially if you like Hill. He's pretty ridiculous here. The good kind.

    2. That's cool then, I mean he managed to be funny even in absolute crap like The Sitter.

    3. I had a good time with that one, if only because Hill is such a rotten bastard in it. But even with less screen time, he delivers more of the goods. And by goods, I mean dick and jizz jokes.