Wednesday, August 8, 2012

I will be 100% committed to this, half the time. Maybe more.

Staying at the Bates Motel. Not keeping an eye on Mrs. Voorhees son. Crossing streams. Advancing on a Daniel LaRusso crane kick. Telling Tommy to go f--ck himself. Trying to rob Fenway Park. Leaving Neil Patrick Harris alone in your car. Saying Beetlejuice three times. Feeding your Mogwai after midnight.  Not getting on flight 180 (Hell, getting on it wasn't a good plan either). And finally, killing The Bride on her wedding day. There have been many monumentally bad ideas in movies over the years. And having a kid with your best friend is definitely another one.
And the award for Worst Photoshopping goes to...

When I saw a trailer for Friends with Kids I was intrigued. What the Hell is this? Half the cast of the beloved flick Bridesmaids [review] and this didn't get a wide release? Hmm. That's usually a tell-tale sign that the movie kind of sucks. Well, Sunday night, my wife and I settled in to see for ourselves.

I actually had a conversation (via text, of course) with an old friend about this topic the day before. He actually said that he doesn't want to settle down and have a family, when years ago he felt the opposite. When I asked why, he said that his friends that did have kids are never around anymore. I thought that this viewpoint only existed in shitty movies, but apparently that's not the case. Whatever.

Anyway, rather obviously, this film is about what happens when your friends finally grow up and have kids. Surprise! They disappear. And when they finally do surface, they are shells of their former selves. We as audience members get to either relate to the struggles of parenthood, or vigorously shake our heads at the mere mention of bringing life into this world. Obviously, as a dad, I'm in the former. My friend, the a-hole bastard who has sex with different people, is in the latter. But as these silly movies have taught us, family is where the true joy is. Not the hollow sex with ultra-attractive partners. This is what I cling to every time my son shits in the tub (to be fair, Matty, you're only at two, so far).

Okay, sorry, let me reign it in. As predictable as all this sounds, there is one twist. Two of these people, who happen to be best friends (annoyingly so, by the way) decide one kooky evening to have a kid, but you know, as friends. Their um, thought, is that married people who have kids are inherently miserable f--ks. So why not just not get married and continue to live like the awesome-single-white-people we are, right? Right? When the idea even seems terrible on paper, why bother fully executing it? Oh, that's why this wasn't in the theater...I get it now.

Look, you go out and have a good time. I'll stay at home with the Yays and Boos. No, no it's no problem. I totally won't grow to resent and hate you forever. Have fun!

That's as happy as he's ever gonna be - buried in tits.
  • Don Draper. First, I just kind of love this guy. Second, just when I asked myself why he's even in this flick, he stands up at dinner and f--king destroys the happy couple(s). Loved it.
  • Buuuut, the rebuttal was pretty solid, too. Fairly well-written, but expertly delivered.
  • Maya Rudolph and Chris O'Dowd have some really funny moments.
  • Who doesn't like Edward Burns?
Yes, Fox plays stuck-up bitch. No, she doesn't get naked.
  • Handsome people with awesome jobs.
  • Adam Scott's Jayson, is probably on the Mt. Rushmore of biggest on-screen douchers ever. Maybe twice.
  • He is on a date when she goes into labor. Maybe could've postponed that one, huh, assface?
  • Megan Fox plays the hot young slut who not only doesn't want to have kids, but kind of can't handle being near them. Yawn.
  • Jennifer Westfeldt. Yes, she has the best hair ever, but there is something about her that was very distracting. I think it's the way she speaks. Or maybe just her mouth. Even at rest.
  • Their kid doesn't age for a long time, then he's like, 19.
  • I actually like a good romantic love story. I dig those lines that once said, there's no going back. Like, Love means never having to say you're sorry or You had me at hello. This flick's version, and I kid you not, goes like this. Hold on...get ready, clear your throat. Shake it out. You good? Okay, here goes: Let me f--k the shit out of you.
On that note, let's put a fork in this one. I think saying any more would be like making a Jump to Conclusions mat. Or sleeping with Paulie Bleeker. Or having a Christmas party in Nakatomi Plaza. Or reading this blog...


  1. Hilarious post. Should I get it for O'Dowd's and Rudolph's cute banter? :)

  2. Sure. What laughs we had were generally due to one of them, or both.

    In fact, looking back, it might have been a lot better if we had spent more time with those two. They're both pretty frickin' hilarious.

    And we might've avoided that dreaded last line...

  3. "But as these silly movies have taught us, family is where the true joy is. Not the hollow sex with ultra-attractive partners. This is what I cling to every time my son shits in the tub"

    Oh wow, that one was briliant :) I kinda don't want to see this film because it has a fair share of actors who irritate me, but that line you mentioned in the end must make for hilarious WTF moment in the movie.

  4. Not that you would have seen this otherwise, but sorry I ruined the terrible awesomeness of that last line. It's unbelievable. Really.

    There's no 'kinda' about it. Stay away. I mean, no Theron? No Elba? Pass.

    Though I double dare you to see the second Ghost Rider.

    1. Then I'll pass :)

      Actually I do have Ghost Rider 2 on DVD on my desk and it's waiting for me to watch it. I'm kinda curious, because I don't think it can possibly be worse than Unborn, Nic Cage's tragedy and what's seems to be insanity (because there's gotta be reason for the roles he choses) always make me laugh.

    2. You have to watch it. I haven't seen Unborn, but I'm sure that Ghost Rider's worse. By a mile.

      Then you can read my old review of it, naturally. (shameless, I know)

    3. Unless Elba is naked in it, I'm certain your review will once again be more entertaining than the film.