Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Welcome to rock bottom.

I was really sick last week, perhaps deliriously so. I had just left the diagnostic lab where I had given five, yes five, vials of blood and proceeded to hustle through the local grocery store to get something to eat, as it had been at least 24 hours since my last bite. So, it was rather weakly that I approached the Redbox machine and made my pick. Apparently, giving blood makes you want to see blood. And feeling like ass, actually makes you want to see tits. Who knew?

Clearly, I'm reaching, as the true inspiration of my willing rental of Piranha 3DD was not the result of my mystery illness, but more of a logistical matter. At a doable (ahem) 83 minutes, I thought I could finish it before I passed out. And while that wasn't the case, I was also going for simple. No plot twists, no character development, nothing that involved even the slightest twinge of thought. And in that regard, is the only way, that this film could ever be considered a success. Because unless you're an eleven year old boy who hasn't ever been on the internet, this flick is a giant, floating turd. Hell, even that might be more entertaining to look at, depending on it's shape and size.

You know, I actually saw the first one (the 2010 remake) theatrically and had a decent enough time. I mean, seeing a severed schvantz floating around in its 3D glory certainly has its charms, right? Okay, no - but still. It was incredibly stupid, but so comically violent and over-the-top it deserved whatever slight praise it was given. And, it had Elisabeth Shue. So, you can't hate it. Oh, and there was that girl that got her hair caught in the propellar, too. Remember her? Of course you do.

Would it surprise you if I said this was in slo-motion?
On to the question that's no one in the history of time has ever sincerely asked, What is Piranha 3DD about?  Well, Imaginary Person, it's about, surprise, piranhas. And, bigger surprise, a waterpark. But, how would piranhas get into a waterpark? That doesn't make sense. Exactly. But in a movie where a piranha is sexually transmitted, our old friend Logic left town years ago. That f--ker wanted no part of this. Didn't even say goodbye.

On that note, let's say a quick hello to our old friends, the Yays and Boobs Boos, this-movie made-$370-grand, read-it-again, grand style.

I went to an adult pool in Vegas once. It was pretty awesome.
  • Gary Busey shows up. I know that may generally be a bad thing, but here, it's just about perfect.
  • Double D, Swims Free! This is the best waterpark policy ever.
  • A beach ball hits a pair of uncovered breasts in ultra-slo motion. While it is atrociously ridiculous, I like the idea that someone planned and executed such an absurd idea.
  • It's sooo stupid, but a piranha comes out of the water as if shot out of a T-shirt cannon and this girl catches it Seattle fish-market style inches from her face. You might have to see this. Wait. Nah, don't. Please don't.
  • Though, I felt bad for him, Doc Brown (minus his DeLorean) returns. I love Christopher Lloyd. Still.
  • This may seem blasphemous, but David Hasselhoff is the best thing about this movie. Yes, I just committed that to the internet forever, but it's true. That damn Baywatch theme is soooo awful, I think it's my favorite song.
  • And finally, I don't care what the disc says, this movie barely cracks 70 minutes. Thankyajesus.
His leg is a shotgun. Where he keeps 900 rounds is a mystery.
  • A dead cow farts baby piranhas. I typed it, you read it.
  • You know that wonderful archetype, Annoying Fat Guy? Well, ours, Big Dave, not only routinely humps the jacuzzi jets (for laughs?), but he also jumps in vomit. On purpose. Oh, and a piranha ends up in his ass. His fat ass.
  • The number of times wet is used as a double entendre may be some horrible record.
  • Gigantic Shitty Movie Red Flag #937: There is a character named Chet. Shockingly, he's a douche.
  • Hoff, though generally a good thing (in this movie), gets a musical number. I didn't sign on for this.
  • Okay, is this a Boo? A guy gets beheaded by driving through some ribbon at 14 miles per hour. Hold on, it continues. His head flies fifty yards and motorboats between gigantic, blood-covered breasts. See, when I read that I think Yay, but when I actually saw it with my own eyes? Yeah, that's a Boo.
  • I dare you to make it to the end of this movie to see the last scene and the music that accompanies it. I double dare you.What? You went physical challenge? Damn it.
If you haven't figured it out, I really haven't been myself lately. If you're still reading this madness, I appreciate it. Honestly. When I got home today, the City Nurse (yes, that's a real person) was waiting to talk to me. And while she didn't have DD's, she did have some information about what the Hell has been wrong with me. And no, it wasn't sexually transmitted piranhas. I asked.


  1. This movie was absoloutely terrible and even though the original was no classic, at least it tried. This one just seemed like it was cashing in on the name of "Piranha", and just ended up being a film that shouldn't have ever seen the light of a movie theater, let alone, day. Great review M.

    1. Dan, I like the idea of cashing in on the Piranha name as if that's a good thing, but you're pretty much spot on.

      This one certainly didn't deserve a theatrical release, perhaps not even a spot in the ol' Redbox machine.

      But then again, it's not everyday you see a piranha head deep in a fat guy's ass...so, you know, there's that.

  2. Even if I don't see the movies you review, I love reading the yays and boos column all the time, especially movies like this one. You've always got some good natured wit regardless of what the movie is. Also, it's much more definitive than a ranking system.

    1. Patrick! Thanks for that. Especially using the word definitive within thirty yards of the Yays and Boos. That's awesome.

  3. "A dead cow farts baby piranhas. I typed it, you read it." Oh God,I'm laughing so hard here :)

    I saw the first movie and it was so bad but hilarious too. The girl who got her hair stuck in propellar was actually played by a model who used to date Jason Statham so there is some balance in the world - you date that hotness, you get to be in a shit film and your character dies like that.

    I'm in no rush to see this one though it does sound like it's-so-bad-it's-funny type of movie.

    1. That is some awesome trivia right there, that Statham bit. And I agree about the balance idea, too. Well some guy cuts his d--k off in this one, so he's probably going to end up dating Mila Kunis one day. I'll just congratulate him ahead of time on that one.

      As for this flick, I would love to see a review on your classy site, but I'll settle for Ghost Rider 2.

  4. I was a big fan of the first one. This film however was just all over the place. Was still fun, just one of those its so bad its so good.

    1. The first one was a good time, sure, but even though I'm a boob-loving moron, I didn't exactly love it. I don't know what I expected, but it didn't fully deliver somehow. Anyway...

      This one? Yeah, pretty stupid, but certainly qualifies for the 'so bad, it's good' team. Or at least the JV squad of 'so bad, it's not horrible.'

      When you're in the throes of a major virus...pretty much any flick is great.

  5. This looks like a tough sit and it might besmirched the 1st one.

    Loved Pirahna 3-D...a perfect mix of T & A and gore! (And DJ Chocolate Thunder) Haha.

  6. It's sooo short, it might be worth it to see the half-assed absurdity of the whole thing.

    But I was really f--king sick when I watched it, so proceed with caution.