Friday, May 10, 2013

Did he know it was your birthday? I mean, he's the director, he's kinda busy.

Well, well.

Turns out tonight is the second birthday for ol' Two Dollar Cinema. I know, it seems like just yesterday that the internet somehow got worse, but trust me, it's been two whole years. Initially, I wanted this site to exist as a weird time capsule for my then one-year old son. But, 250+ posts later, things have spiraled out of control and descended into a land of typos and depravity. Mostly depravity. Hopefully.

This post, like the rest of them, is dedicated to the handful of loyal readers I've been lucky enough to earn over the years (notice the s). Without their comments and support, I likely would have shut this mess down and cried myself to sleep (well, more often than usual, anyway). For them, I want to say thanks. Hopefully, at least once or twice, you've read something on here that made you smile and think, Wow. That guy is really handsome.

In what has become an annual tradition, let's look at some stats for the year. I watched (and reviewed, in the loosest sense) 113 movies, 44 of which I saw theatrically. I never omitted a single film, because good, bad, or horribly shitty, I'll write about anything. Family flicks likely dominated, with 17 notched for the year. Though that could be 18, as I'm not sure what classification Nude 4 Satan gets.

And despite still really hating lists (well, creating them), I'm going to bump the Top and Bottom 10 to an overstuffed baker's dozen this year. Tonight, it goes something like this:

Top 13
  1. Moonrise Kingdom - I saw this charming film with my Dad.
  2. Killer Joe - A final 20 minutes unlike anything you'd expect.
  3. Cloud Atlas - Hated by many, I was awed by its ambition.
  4. The Artist - A beautiful film. Wish I'd seen it theatrically.
  5. Flight - More intense? The plane crash or Denzel?
  6. Django Unchained - Should be higher, but still loved it.
  7. Lincoln - The greatest man, played by the greatest actor.
  8. Life of Pi - Breathtaking. The ending broke my heart.
  9. Skyfall - Easily my favorite Bond film ever.
  10. Wreck-It Ralph - Pixar does it again. Reilly was perfect!
  11. Silver Linings Playbook - Loved both leads. And De Niro.
  12. Warm Bodies - Turns out, I'm a 14 year old girl.
  13. Gymkata - Horrible in the best possible way.

Bottom 13
  1. AntiChrist - My TV exploded. Literally. And that wasn't the worst thing that happened. Not even close.
  2. Stewardess School - Failed in every way possible.
  3. What to Expect When You're Expecting - Expect awful.
  4. The Human Centipede - Actual ass-to-mouth would be less excruciating than watching this start to finish.
  5. Trouble with the Curve - And every other pitch, too.
  6. G.I Joe: Retaliation - Channing Tatum was lucky. 
  7. Piranha 3DD - Truthfully, I was dealing with West Nile Virus. Turns out, that was the fun part.
  8. Dirty Movie - I used to like jokes. Used to.
  9. Hobo With a Shotgun - Surprise! It's not good.
  10. Escape from Planet Earth - This family movie almost made me wish I was single.
  11. The Vow - Infinitely worse than major head trauma.
  12. My Name is Bruce - And his movie is terrible.
  13. The Collection - I still can't believe I saw this. Theatrically.
With all my adoration and appreciation:

Sati @ cinematiccorner. Not only does she have a beautiful, witty, and well-written site, but she routinely risks credibility and suggests people come here. She's the best.
Steph @ On Page and Screen Impossibly nice and all kinds of smart, Steph is a comment machine. Bonus points for the fact that we're both teachers. On her site, you can actually learn something.
Shane @ Film Rehab This guy is a funny dude. A family man like myself, Shane runs a very cool site. One day, we'll join forces. I'm sure of it.

Insane respect and gratitude to these fine individuals as well, Ty @ Comeuppance Reviews (incredibly badass), Dan @dtmmr (incredibly prolific), Brittani Burnham @ Rambling Film (incredibly witty), Alex @ And So it Begins...(incredibly professional), the Ladies @ French Toast Sunday (incredibly incredible) and the recently resurrected M. Hufstader @ The Smoking Pen (incredibly awesome). I quietly worship all of you.

To my tangible family and friends: You guys are the best. Though I dare you to comment. No, wait.

I double dare you.


  1. Congrats on reaching this milestone! :) Is Nude 4 Satan actually a movie?

    1. Thanks! Click in the link and find out.

      Well, if you can handle it.

    2. Oh ... right. Wow! Just ... wow.

      By the way, thanks for the shout out. I am considering adding "Comment Machine" to my resume. What do you think?

    3. It's starting to sound like we should add 'resume writing' to our curriculums.

  2. Happy 2 year! And thanks for the mention, your blog rocks. AntiChrist is hands down one of the worst cinematic experiences I've ever had. That movie makes me want to punch an innocent baby seal. That's how much I hate it.

    1. Thanks. It's all too self-congratulatory, but I figure once a year, I'll pat myself on the back. The fact that any of us continue to work on our blogs when he have a million other things to do deserves a Yay, right?

      I definitely wanted to punch something after AntiChrist, too. Though, it was a three way tie for most deserving: Charlotte Gainsbourg, von Trier or myself. Then, innocent baby seal. But I would probably be all punched out by then.

  3. I like your refference to Death Proof for your title of the article. Well Happy Birthday to your site. I agree with your list of top and bottom 13 although I would have switched places with a few of them. Lincoln and Flight would move down to bottom, and Antichrist and My Name is Bruce would move up to the top. Well maybe not up to the top but not the bottom.

    1. Thanks, Jason.

      Oh, man. I could probably shuffle any of the movies on either list and not be too upst about it. Half the time the reason I like a movie has more to do with the time I had with the people I saw it with, versus the actual film itself. My opinion, like this entire site, is utterly arbitrary.

      Proceed with caution.

  4. Challenge Accepted!! :) Hopefully, I'll be visiting more often than I have been. I agree with you completely on Antichrist. I never understood what the hell was going on the screen. But come on, Trouble with the Curve wasn't That bad! :)

    Congratulations on completing 2 years!! I will in a little over month as well. Here is to many more years to come!!

    1. Ha! Yes, I'm being completely ridiculous with Trouble With the Curve, but that movie has entirely too much talent to be so pointless and silly. They could have made something decent, but instead went for the gold medal in Cliched Nonsense.

      Congrats to you, as well. Two years is a lot of love.

  5. Yep. Antichrist would actually top my all time worst movies list. I'm far from being a feminist, in fact, I can't listen to them ramble on, but that movie was just offensive for women everywhere on every level. And that is coming from someone who will sure as hell write the post tomorrow, excusing the writers for having so many tits in new Game of Thrones tonight.

    I'm surprised my computer didn't explode when I viewed the poster for Nymphomaniac, Von Trier can even make two lines into something cheap.

    This is so awesome that your site is 2 years old, thank you so much for the mention and I think my credibility is gone every single week by the time people read the first paragraphs of Rambling Friday posts. But hopefully they still get to the links and manage to find the gem of your site this way.

    1. I like how our hatred of AntiChrist further unifies us. My God, the things I can't unsee. I think that movie is offensive to humanity.

      Those of GoT guys are okay by me. Very okay.

      I'm not even sure what to say about Nymphomaniac. I'm not sure I can complete the trilogy of depression, even though I've seen two-thirds of it. And I'm deathly afraid of Stanley Yelnats wiener. Deathly afraid.

      Two years and you've been here almost from the get go! Amazing, and incredibly appreciated!

      You 'ramble' once a week. I do it in every post. You've got nothing to worry about!

  6. Congrats on two years (which will now be a reminder of the day I stumbled on this site) !

    PS: As I've not seen any of the bottom 13 movies I consider myself lucky. Still I think it takes a lot of courage to watch bad movies (I sometimes do), so lots of courage for the next year!

    1. Thanks!

      Wow. I am very impressed that you haven't seen any of those bottom 13. Good for you. Though, I'm not sure how you dodged the Stewardess School bullet. I mean, everyone's seen that, right? Right? [crickets]

      Courage or idiocy. One of those.

      Maybe both.

  7. Happy blogiversary dude! I just love the hell out of this blog and the honest humor that fills it. Keep up the great work, and thanks for the shout out!

    1. Thanks, Alex. The shout out is the least I could do, man. Your site is insanely good.

  8. Congratulations! I know Lindsay & I rave about you in real life to each other all the time. You write some of our favorite reviews amongst any movie blogger we follow. Many thanks for mentioning us!

  9. I was going to comment that this was a great post idea for a blog birthday and then I seen you gave FTS a shout out at the end! That's so awesome and congrats for your milestone.

    I also have to agree with Jess that you're a blogger we frequently bring up and read to friends. I'm such a lackluster commenter but I'm trying to be better & come out of my shell.

    1. Thanks.

      You two are the best.

      If they gave a Lammy for 'lackluster commenter' I might give yo a run for your money. I'm the worst.

  10. Congrats on making it two years and hope you have many more! Your posts and writing style always brighten my time of blog reading. :)

    1. Thanks, Katy. Very nice of you to say that.

  11. Man, I have been attempting... and obviously failing, to comment on this post. Totally has nothing to do with the super awesome CAPTCHA thing you have going on. It's hard for me to think anyone thinks I'm funny, and then to just say "thanks" would not be funny, and then it just gets weird...

    Anyway man, in all seriousness, you ARE the funniest blogger around. I don't want this to go to your head, but I've actually laughed out loud at some of the stuff on your site. You actually encouraged me to be more personal in my writing, and I think it works. I respect the hell out of you, and I actually talk about you to my wife sometimes. Like, that's just weird. I feel like we're total bros!

    ... and we have to "join forces" at some point. Whatever the case may be.

    1. It's definitely tough trying to be funny when commenting. Good thing you stayed clear of even trying.

      As for being funny, funnier, funniest - or whatever, I appreciate the kind words (as misguided as they might be)- completely. I start out trying to crack myself up (which is pretty easy, 'cause I'm a gigantic boy), and just cross my fingers that someone else gets a laugh. The fact that you guys ever discuss this ridiculousness is mind-blowing, but all kinds of great, too. Whenever I bring up the 'community' as it where, my wife tends to glaze over and I abort mission, asap. Anyway, thanks.

      This July is likely my last chance at anything beyond a half-hearted post. I'll let you know what I can do, as soon as I know. What I can do.

      That sounded better in my head.

  12. I know this is late... but Happy Anniversary!! I miss regularly reading your blog. Ever since I first discovered it sometime around, I don't know, a year ago, I just knew you were the funniest writer out there. Out of the plethora of movie blogs I've come across, your reviews are the most unique and fresh too.

    Oh, and as for time capsules goes... your son will finally find out why the TV blew up!

    1. Better late than never, right? That's what I tell my bosses everyday.

      Seriously though, thanks for the comment. Very kind of you to take the time to say that. I definitely appreciate it.

      Yeah, I'm glad that my son will know how the TV blew up, just slightly worried that he has to read the AntiChrist review to find out.

      That could be problematic.