Wednesday, October 31, 2012

I don't like human beings.

Have you ever seen the show Shark Tank? This has somehow become my wife's favorite show. Anyway, the premise is simple: A quartet of rich people (the titular Sharks) are looking to invest thousands of dollars in the next big thing. Average schmoes desperately pitch them these ideas to entertainingly mixed results. Sometimes, they bite and invest willingly. Other times, they say the idea sucks and bail with the simple catchphrase, I'm out. Imagine with me...

Shark #1: Okay, our next guy is pitching a movie. Sir, are you ready?
Shark #2: This should be good.
Shark #1: Well, let's hear it. What's this movie about? Another comic book flick? Rom-com? What is it?
Guy: A creepy German doctor fulfills his life-long dream of surgically connecting three people.
Shark #2: I'm sorry, what did you just say? Surgically connecting?
Shark #1: I'm out.
Shark #3: Me too.
Shark #2: What a terrible idea. Just awful. I'm out.
Guy: Wait. Did I mention he connects them, ass-to-mouth?
Shark #4:  Let me get my checkbook.

You know, I thought that opening would have been better. The idea was novel, you know, combining the Shark Tank concept with a movie pitch as a way to open a new post. But, let's be honest, it was poorly written, sloppily executed and really not as interesting as it could have been. I mean, just because I had the idea, didn't mean I should have followed through with it. What was I thinking? And shame on you for even reading it.

Anyway, on Monday night, I managed to watch The Human Centipede. I was trying to end my month-long horror binge with something notorious in the genre, and this one certainly qualified (I almost opted for the original I Spit on Your Grave). It seemed fitting as Halloween approached, to aim high. Or low. Depending on your tastes.

Speaking of, my tastes have apparently changed as I've gotten older. Instead of being grossed out while having a good time, I just kept shaking my head and asking myself why? There was a little bit of why was this made? but much more of why am I watching this? It reminded me of this ultra awkward wet T-shirt contest that somehow broke out at a party I was at in college. While the idea sounded good on paper, it ended up being awkward and embarrassing. But, I suppose, each was memorable, even if for the wrong reasons. I guess that's something...

Well, now that I've covered pointless surgeries, bad reality TV, and college girls getting pneumonia on a farm in Connecticut, might as well check in with the Yays and Boos. It might be a minute however, they just dumped out their pillowcases.

Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes.
  • German word of the day: ficken Pretty sure you can figure that one out.
  • Trying to escape? The punishment is instant death, right? Oooh, sorry. It's actually being the middle piece.
  • The surgery scene actually made me wince. Good thing even the doc needed a break.
  • There's a few moments where the girls try to comfort each other and I actually found it to be oddly uplifting. It's like finding a penny in the largest turd ever. It's not worth much, but for a minute, you forget about all the shit.
  • And finally, I will give some sort of credit to the fact that this movie exists. I don't know how to explain it, but I'm a curious mix of impressed and saddened.
We're real friendly around here.
  • So, round one was connecting three dogs? Dude.
  • This actually angered me the most. You have a crazy ass idea, the whole Centipede angle, right? But how do you get the girls to the scary doctor? Flat tire in the woods + no cell phone coverage. Guess we used all the brainpower on sewing asses to faces, huh?
  • And for what? To complete the gastric system, of all things? This is someone's goal? When I think of goals with two chicks, sewing them together never crossed my mind.
  • I don't know about you, but if I ever escape a German torture den, I'm sorry, but I'm leaving your ass behind. You can't hate me if you're dead.
  • Okay, nomination for the worst scene ever? Two words: Spiral. Staircase
  • And finally, not that I wanted more or anything, but the end was pretty terrible. In fact, you could even say that it was really shitty, and basically sucked ass.
And on that note, Happy Halloween. Oh, hey - before you go. For next year, I was thinking about a sweet costume. I have this idea, but I need your help. You don't even have to dress up, really. But, can you bring a friend?

What's with the face? I was thinking we could be the guys from Shark Tank? What were you thinking?


  1. I barely made through this movie, disgusting story aside the execution looked like a cross between poor TV movie and amateurish video. I heard the sequel is even worse, but as they needlessly kill the child in that one I won't be seeing that.

    Good point about weird choice for a goal when two chicks are involved :)

    1. Yeah, it was certainly low-budge, but I guess that has to be expected, considering the subject matter. I barely made it through as well, but I think I was just uninterested in the whole thing after the initial reveal. Kind of a that's it??? type of situation.

      And while a part of me laments the fact that, all things considered, this movie was a bit tame, it sounds as if they made up for it in the sequel.

      I'm with you, though. The whole baby thing seems like things took an ugly turn, though I only know about it from what I've read.

  2. Scenario: I hold top secret information that the existence of mankind depends on... bad-guys capture me and want to make me talk... just show this movie or its sequel! Screw mankind! No way am I watching this. They can even threaten my with the trailer and I'll talk.

    1. It's bad, but I think whatever you're imagining is worse. For whatever reason, the concept is much more terrifying than the actual execution.

      Please don't interpret that as a recommendation. Just a heads up to spare mankind!

  3. "And finally, I will give some sort of credit to the fact that this movie exists. I don't know how to explain it, but I'm a curious mix of impressed and saddened."

    That sums up my thoughts about the movie perfectly. I didn't like this movie at all (I didn't think it deserved the level of controversy it attained, and, moreover, it's just a bad horror film). But anyway, it is kind of impressive that it got made and seen. But, at the same time, we could've easily done without it.

  4. Absolutely. The whole thing is borderline genius in a way. Most shitty movies just die and go away. But thanks to a 'good' idea, this Guy has got a career. And a franchise.

    Good for him, I guess.

  5. Well, the "Shark Tank" dialogue you used to open your post made me laugh out loud. So it was better than you gave yourself credit for, or else -- when it comes to humor -- my standards are exceptionally low. Maybe both. :-)

    I have no desire to see this movie. The premise alone just makes me cringe and say "WTF? Why ... why ... WHY?? Why would anybody make a movie like that!" My daughter is trying to persuade me to let her watch it, though. It's going to be a while.

    1. Glad you got a laugh. I aim for indifferent shrug.

      I'm not sure how old your daughter is, but I would let her. Though only as a form of punishment.

      Oh, your room's a mess? That's the first 15 minutes of Human Centipede, young lady. An F in math? Now you're watching the whole thing. Twice.

    2. O.K. ... now that's the best laugh I've had all day. :-) Of course, with my luck she'd like this awful-ass movie, and I'd be punished having to hear about it. :-D

  6. I have yet to watch this! I too have a sleepy wife who torments me with Vampire diaries and Greys anatomy and I have TWO roaming toddlers. I dont have a dog though so I guess we're even, not that i'm comparing children to pets, well ok maybe some. Anyways, if its not Greys or Vampires, its Dora and Jake. My main question is, should I spend my rare horror movie time on this? It does have me thinking tho, like if you take the stomach out of the first person....wait, nevermind, maybe ill stick with Dora.

    1. My movie time, especially horror movie time, is extremely limited as well. I'm slowly becoming nocturnal in order to maintain any dream of posting regularly.

      As for this flick? My vote's pass. You'd be better served to watch something a little more engaging and interesting than this disaster. Honestly, once you see the reveal, it's all rather...lame.

  7. If I'm not going to see you on a daily basis, I'm going to need more frequent blog posts.

    1. Count of Monte Cristo
    2. Robin Hood (Russell Crowe)
    3. Band of Brothers (not a movie, but you still need to watch it)

    1. I think I own Robin Hood. Or maybe I'm thinking of The Wolfman. You know how easily I get those two mixed up.

      Definitely own Band of Brothers, but waaay too much of a time investment. I promise I'll watch it if I break my leg or something. Or we get a snow week. I'm sure Matty's old enough for it, right?

      And this Count of Monte Cristo movie you speak of? Never heard of it. Probably should've mentioned it when we actually worked together.

  8. You're right - I can't believe I never brought it up! Sheesh.

  9. The 2nd Human Centipede is actually better than the first one, which isn't saying much (i.e. it's still not GOOD good) bu Laurence R. Harvey, the main actor, gives a spectacular villainous performance as 'Martin.' The third one was total shit, even in meager comparison to the others. Dieter Laser (the German Doctor from the 1st one) deserves to be shot for his role in no. 3. He's like Tom Green, Adam Sandler, and the retarded aristocrat kid from "The Living and the Dead" (great, harrowing flick, by the way) rolled into one interminable package. Without the suave charm.

    Great review. I laughed out loud. I have kind of this obsession with watching the weirdest, most fucked-up films I can get my hands on. Leads me into some strange places.

    1. Whoa, whoa...whoa. I've heard some pretty crazy shit about the second one (um, the baby thing? - damn). I'd still be willing to roll the dice on it...assuming no one in my family is within earshot (or, um, eyeshot?) of the damn thing.

      I've never heard of "The Living and the Dead" but needless to say, I'm intrigued. *runs to Netflix*

      Thanks! I've heard about this obsession of yours. Have you ever's supposed to be the most deplorable movie ever...ugh. I can't even type the words. The THREE words that comprise the title...


    2. "A Serbian Film?" No :)I think you could write a hysterical review of "The Living and the Dead" because although it is brutally depressing, it is also quite bizarre and quirky. The character of 'James' is over the top, annoying, and strangely pitiable as he essentially spends the movie running around his parents decaying mansion and has the most epic fucking freak out in cinematic history. He wants to look after Mommy, damn it :( Oedipal mentally deficit whack jobs are fun.

      It's a low budget flick, but it's well acted and done in my opinion. It has some decent British talent.

    3. BINGO! We have a winner. My sister swears by that movie. Yeah, she's a bit...odd.

      I don't know where I can find The Living and the Dead (meaning: it's not on Netflix), but I'm sure I can eventually track it down. Low budge and British? Yes, please!

    4. It's on Netflix, maybe you just need to do a bit more digging.

      I might like your sister, maybe we should grab a froyo some time. After much deliberation I decided not to watch A Serbian Film despite my love of all things dark and disturbing. It just didn't get enough good reviews to justify buying it (it is, apparently, too hardcore for Netflix.) 'Newborn porn?' No thank you. But my decision might change.