Tuesday, July 31, 2012

I'm afraid I've got good news and bad news...

Do actual people still tell jokes? Obviously, comedians and entertainers and the like do, but I'm talking about people you know. I can think of one or two guys I work with, who will actually say something like Hey [head nod], I got one for you... and then proceed to tell a joke. It usually ends one of two ways, polite laughter, or when it's extra terrible, I repeat the punchline and shake my head, indicating disbelief. Imagine if someone took that awkward exchange, and actually made a movie out of it. Then imagine, that I actually watched that movie.

I swear to you, I thought this was something else. I did. I thought this flick was The Aristocrats. Now, depending on who you ask, that movie is a steaming pile of ass, but a close friend recommended it to me (hmm) and I thought that was  what I was getting myself into late Sunday night. The movie, silly, not the...whatever.

Instead, I ended up with Dirty Movie. Goodness. The first sign of trouble should have been the National Lampoon's in front of the title, as that hasn't meant anything since 1983's Vacation.  The next red flag, is the actual cover of the flick. Now, I streamed this one from DISH (which in itself is another red flag), and you can't fully appreciate the awfulness of the poster in their setup. It's too small. That said, one of the unwritten rules of the cinema states: On movie posters, the hotter the chick (in some, less-classier circles, this reads, the bigger the breasts), the worse the movie is. Oh, and dogs in sunglasses usually don't bode well, either. Usually.

Okay, enough with the warning signs, what the Hell is this movie about? Well, nothing really. It's simply a series of jokes, presented in sketch form, delivered by a mixture of stand-up comics and shitty actors. Depending on how you feel about these jokes, will greatly influence how you feel about this flick. For example:

What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common?
They can smell it, but they can't eat it.

Christopher Meloni stars. He rules in the Harold & Kumar flicks.
Should I mention that a 13 year-old delivered that last one? Probably not. Anyway, tying all these random jokes together, is a very thin story about the guy trying to get this movie made. Basically, he spends most of the runtime trying to pitch it, while everyone else is rightfully claiming that it's a terrible idea and it won't work. It's slightly novel, but after about twenty minutes or so, I didn't care. They could sense this, and started getting even more desperate, if that's possible. Out came the topless girls with gigantic breasts to tell the jokes. Seriously.

How do you know your wife's really dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes start piling up.

I'm going to give the Yays and Boos some time off for good behavior, and just leave you with a list of the types of jokes that will be featured in this movie. Feel free to take a peek, but you might want to quit while you're ahead.

I saved this pic as goat rape. Should draw tons of traffic, right?
Dirty Joke Categories
  • Incest jokes
  • September 11th jokes
  • Racist jokes
  • Pedophile jokes
  • Whore jokes
  • Dwarf/Midget Jokes
  • Homophobic Jokes
  • Necrophilia Jokes
  • Holocaust Jokes
  • And an ongoing bit about Vienna Sausages, naturally.
Though this post screams to the contrary, I take my film viewing somewhat seriously. As much as I wanted to simply throw my hands up and say f--k this, I didn't. I hung in and finished this mess.

If only I were joking.


  1. Those unwritten rules of cinema are so true.

    I actually laughed at the dead wife joke, and I didn't even get to see the topless girl with gigantic breast deliver it.

  2. Yeah, that joke got me, too. For clarity's sake, a random guy told that one in his audition.

    I don't recall any of the ones told by the topless girls. Perhaps I wasn't concentrating...on their words.

  3. Im watching it AGAIN right now. Theae jokes rule!