Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Yeah. We're awful people.

Throughout my life, I've made many, many mistakes for love. Not love, that's overselling it. In fact, that entire line should read I've done a lot of dumb shit for hot chicks. It's true. I've gone places I didn't want to go, enjoyed things that I f--king hate, listened intently to utter bullshit (and nodded accordingly), and so on, and so on. The list is sadly infinite. But now that I'm an old, married weirdo, my lack of judgement resulting from a soft voice and a pretty face really only affects one thing: my movie watching. I will sit through just about anything if the girl, er, woman is hot enough.

Watching The Babysitters had nothing to do with lead actress Katherine Waterston. Nope, she doesn't do it for me. Cynthia Nixon is in this too, but f--k that, she ranks fifth of the Sex and the City girls if that's even possible, maybe even sixth. No friends, the reason I watched this movie was my equally pathetic and illogical new found infatuation with actress Alexandria Daddario.

Honestly, I'd never ever heard her speak, but after seeing her, um, body of work on True Detective (by that, I mean a lone clip, watched 9,000 times), I hit up Netflix to see what else she had been in. Turns out, she was in The Babysitters, which was also brought to my attention by the nefarious 'Netflix Recommends' Monster after watching Cashback [review].

Now clearly, my motives are pervy, but I wasn't prepared for how f--king uncomfortable this movie made me. The Babysitters (or as it should have been called, Statutory Rape: The Movie) tells the awful tale of a shy eleventh grader who somehow ends up running a fairly substantial prostitution ring out of her high school. Maybe in college this would have been slightly amusing, but as a man in his mid-30's watching a (rather shitty) movie about high school girls screwing fat, married dudes, this flick left me with an eighty-nine minute sadface. I felt like I needed a shower after this one. A hot one, jerk. A hot one.

You don't need to know much else about this movie, other than the fact that it likely should have never been made in the first place. It's not very graphic or anything, but whatever we do see is just so f--king horrible. Seriously. I'd probably be more comfortable watching The Human Centipede [review] with my wife and kids, than watch this one (alone) ever again. In fact, not only did I almost bail halfway through, which I never do,  but I almost didn't even want to review it. But clearly, I have principles. The show, it seems, must go on.

Ugh. Let's just pretend we're the cast and crew of this train-wreck and try to move on with our lives the best we can. That said, here are the Yays and Boos. Or as they'll be known in court, co-conspirators A and B.

Pardon my French, but you're an asshole.
  • Um, John Leguizamo, perhaps? Not for this movie at all, but remember he was in Moulin Rougue!, right? I mean, that one had prostitutes, too, but the good kind. 
  • I guess, there was a moderately enjoyable moment where Shirley (the main character), kind of turns from a shy bookworm, to a full on pimp. And trust me, pimpin', like the SATs, ain't easy. 
  • I wrote this post at Subway. Tasty.
  • And finally, the ending. Yeah, it was awful, but being that I hated the main character, it made me happy. See what you get, bitch? This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps, more or less sums up my thoughts on the ending, and the movie as a whole.

Hello? Sorry, I can't talk. I'm in a really bad movie right now.
  • The short runtime, yet again, is my undoing. I was tired, but I really wanted to watch something. Do good 89 minute movies exist?
  • Looking at Cynthia Nixon's character, Gail, it's completely laughable when it's revealed that she used to be a drug-riddled slut. Apparently all those years in dark alleys have reformed her into Disappointed Mom.
  • Michael (Leguizamo), like most three year old boys, loves him some trains. Good thing their neighborhood has a nice, quiet, rarely-patrolled, train yard nearby. You know, to look at the trains and such. Not, say, as a place to pay to have sex with underage girls.
  • When Shirley first asks for commission, her friend is way too easy to give it up. Shit. Nevermind. That kind of makes sense, now that I think about it.
  • I actually used to be in high school. It's true. The way I remember it, I don't think someone could get away with imagining having sex with an older guy, let alone having a stable of girls actually doing it. The only thing less likely than that secret being safe, is me ever watching this movie again.
  • Okay, there's a scene where Michael, the f--king man, actually is in Shirley's room (the girl) when her Dad barges in looking for something stupid (like a band aid or something). Not only is this scene so poorly handled, but it was infuriating. I'm assuming, that as a Dad myself, if I ever found an adult male in my teenage daughter's bedroom, it's in my legal rights to murder his face.
  • Speaking of Dad...this guy might set a cinematic record for clueless douchery.
  • The High School Break-in. Seriously? They were in there for probably six hours, destroying just about everything. Apparently, this town has only one cop. He might have stopped the vandalism had he not been half-heartedly investigating trespassing at ye ol' magical train yard. You sure you're the only one on this train? Officer, you might want to at least check his boner for prints.
  • Brenda. Jeez, the third girl they bring in to the fold is the worst. Not only does she look like she's fifteen and half, but her and her family of half-siblings are just terrible in all aspects of life.
  • The Company Retreat. Let's just say that a bunch of guys head up to a cabin in the woods. This is a Boo not only because of what/who they do when they get there, but also the fact that they don't get butchered by hillbilly freaks afterwards. Would've made this a real crowd-pleaser.
  • Nudity. Yep. The worst ever.
  • I know it's pretty late to mention this, but the actual babysitting that does take place, is pretty lackluster. C'mon, ladies. These board games aren't going to play themselves.
  • Nadine is essentially the rival madame, and what happens to her, actually made me almost care for a couple of seconds. Wait. That should say what almost happens to her....
  • And finally, Dadarrio. Not only did you get me into this mess, but you show up for probably 15 seconds and utter one f--king line. 
I'm done. In fact, I might even be done with Netflix altogether. You know what? I'll just see more movies theatrically. Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'll go to the movies where shit like this will never see the light of day. In fact, I'll even bring my wife, which will even lessen the chance I'll see anything remotely upsetting.

I'll just need to get someone to watch the kids.


  1. Yeah for me this movie was just really lackluster. The premise was titillating but the movie was... not. I do appreciate your random reference to "This is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps" though. I would not have expected you to work that into this review, Walter.

    1. Thank God you've seen this, too. I was thinking this was some kind of plant from the FBI and Netflix to catch predators.

      Oh, shit. YOU'RE ONE OF THEM!

      (yeah, I'm an idiot)

  2. Nudity was in the "boos" category!? This movie does sound awful. I do love your cable TV BL reference though. That made me laugh. All of your reviews make me laugh, actually.

    1. Yeah, I know. But I promise you...it was a major, major Boo. Ugh. I might've opted for a full on dong-shot, than what we were left with. Yeesh.

      For me, anytime anybody gets some sweet, crazy/misguided comeuppance, it's all about Walter Sobchak in The Big Lebowski. And that line from TV? It makes it so much better1

      Oh, and that last line? Super nice of you to say that.

  3. I know I said that it's great you watch all these awful movies, but I'm beginning to feel sorry for you.

    1. Yeah, Elina, this is one of the better comments I have ever received, thank you. Some people don't want pity.

      I'm all for it.

    2. Hey, Daddario's boobs led him there. McConaughey's bare chest led me to Failure to Launch and I regret nothing :P

      Dude how can you rank Nixon lower than Sarah Jessica Horseface?

    3. See, maybe had I got to see her boobs (in a better context) I could share your lack of regret, but trust me, this rest of this movie was so bad, I regret everything.

      Okay, that final line made me choke on my drink. While I don't find ol' Horseface that attractive, I'd still put her ahead of Nixon. And my first two choices are Davis.

      Then Davis again.
      (she's 49 today? damn)