Tuesday, February 11, 2014

You got some choice moves, JTRO.

When I was a teacher, there were countless times when I saw someone do something absolutely stupid. Cheating, throwing stuff across the room, swearing, punching, tripping - you name it. But in countless situations, even when I saw it with my own two eyes, the perpetrator of the misdeed would deny it or spin it with such utter f--king conviction, I would actually question indisputable fact. The only thing worse than questioning my own sanity, was finally coming to terms with their shady abilities. If these kids could put that much effort and skill into something worthwhile, they could go places. Instead, as I often told them, they were really smart at being dumb.

I don't even know where to begin with The FP. Honestly, I don't. After clicking on a link @davidcinema posted on Twitter about The 10 Worst Movies On Netflix (and being that I kind of dig trash), I decided to check some of them out. Well, I was going to check out some of them, but now I just might settle on one.

The FP, as far as I can discern, tells the story of a futuristic world where conflicts are settled via a dance-battle videogame. This game, known as Beat Beat Revelation, apparently is the primary way of conducting hardcore business. No, seriously. Rival gangs from the 245 and the 248 compete in these dance-offs with the loser dying on the machine, or as they put it, 187'd. 

I can't believe I'm going to continue, but anyway, after losing his brother BTRO to a Beat Beat Revelation related death (I'm still holding out that he died from pre-existing conditions), main character JTRO is left to wander the earth, like Stallone in the arguably more impactful First Blood. And as much as JTRO would like to continue this paltry existence, it appears he must avenge his brother's death. Not just for BTRO, no. But for the ducks at the pond. That's not a clever phrase, either. I mean it. The f--king ducks. At the f--king pond.

Like those students I mentioned in the opening, everyone involved with The FP is some sort of mastermind, but their prowess seemingly goes for naught. It's like being able to take a dump in the most grandest of shapes. On paper, the idea and explanation of this is ridiculous and exciting, but seeing it executed is altogether baffling. Why this movie actually exists is beyond me, but the fact that it does is borderline fantastic. 

Look, if you want originality, trust me, there's nothing like The FP (at least I hope not). And it some respects, this movie is f--king awesome (if I were in college [and/or a racist douchebag] this may be the most quotable movie ever made]. As absurd as every single moment of the film is, it's all delivered so earnestly you almost have to buy in. For example, this exchange, uttered between brothers with all sincerity:

BTRO: I'll be here backin' your shit up til the end.
JTRO: For reals?
BTRO: For reals.

After a flurry of simultaneously awesome and horrible exchanges like that one, I was pretty much sharting all over myself with schoolboy delight as the ridiculousness unfolded. Worse than that mental picture? I was also moments away from sending out a mass text declaring serious consequences to anyone in my contacts who didn't drop everything and watch this sumbitch. But thankfully, I decided to temper my enthusiasm and watch the entire movie. And that's when the wheels fell off.

Speaking of an idea that has fully run its course, here are the Yays and Boos. For The FP, these are essentially one and the same, so do your best to sort 'em out.

From left to right: BLT, JTRO and the esteemed KCDC.

  • First and foremost, the dialogue. Remember, 95% of it is delivered as if it's not f--king retarded.
  • Like I said, the beginning is great. The sequence before the title finally appears on screen is pure cheesy goodness.
  • Again, the main conflict, not counting all the extreme dance-offs, goes like this: Bad Guy L Dubba E now owns the only liquor store in town. His play? Make the town dry. Wait, that's bad? Well, no booze means everyone becomes meth addicts. No drunks, means no bums. No bums? No one to feed the ducks.
  • When JTRO sees his whore of a love interest, he pulls the most unnecessary ninja-roll ever. Brilliant.
  • Originally, in my notes, it read girl with one tit out. Sounds like a Yay, right? Well, then she goes and takes the other one out. Still a Yay, but sometimes less is more. Even in titties.
  • Someone calls time when they are getting punched, which is so rad. Apparently, this scene was stolen from every single time my older brothers watched me as a child. C'mon, guys. I'm calling time. You have to stop.
  • Art Hsu, as KCDC. You good sir, are the f--king man.
  • You know you love 'em: Awful training montages! Here, we learn the four rules of B.E.A.T: Balance, Expeditiousness (JTRO: What? His trainer: SPEED, bitch!), Aggression and of course, Tempo.
  • Maybe it's not funny, but there's a drug in the future known as black dick. As in, you guys lookin' for some black dick? Screw you guys, that's funny.
  • Every (allegedly) tender moment is hysterical. My favorite would be when JTRO is promoted to couch.
  • JTRO. Not only is this character basically Snake Plissken's inbred son, which is great, he delivers each terrible line like Bale's version of Batman. Gorrrdonnnnnn! And, more importantly, the dude who plays him always wears and eye patch. For reals.
  • The constant use of the term, Dr. Bitch.
  • SPOILER ALERT: JTRO gets the girl in the end. Actually, that's not a spoiler at all. The fact that instead of a celebratory kiss, she goes down on him? Well, that might be a shocker. Though, she kind of blows everyone, all the time, so feel free to put that in your pipe and smoke it.
  • And finally, my top five favorite lines from The FP (in no particular order):
    1. I challenge you to a beat-off.
    2. For the ducks, B.
    3. Logs is chill.
    4. I'll never play Beat Beat Revelation again!
    5. What are you for Halloween? A bitch?
It's either the porno version of Zoolander or a remake of Double Dragon.

  • Maybe at night, this is the post-apocalyptic world of the future, but during the day it looks a lot like contemporary F--ktown, Arizona.
  • Seriously, the whole entire production seems like a French Canadian version of Boyz N the Hood, set in an 80's movie version of 1995. (that may or may not make sense)
  • Which leads me to being bummed out about the heavy use of racial slurs. Even in an unnecessary movie, that mess seemed superfluous.
  • The girl. F--k I hated her. If Courtney Love and Ke$ha were somehow combined into one awful person, even that Hellspawn would be more likable than this slut. JTRO's relentless pursuit of her, even in this movie, bewildered me.
  • Unless I missed something, I'm pretty sure she was digging in the sand at a playground. For tampons.
  • Marginally more appealing, but still a Boo, is that Drug Dealing Clown/Parking Lot attendant guy. This bastard was the wrong kind of creepy. And yes, there's a right kind of creepy [coughthisblogcough].
  • There was a shootout. Lots of bullets, but nobody gets hit. I think this was supposed to be funny. It wasn't.
  • I just read that JTRO is in This Is the End [review]. Are you f--king kidding me? (This is only a Boo because I just read about it and there's no way in Hell I'm scrolling up at this point)
  • And finally, for all the insane bullshit that this flick spews, some of which I clearly enjoyed, there is hardly any action at all. According to IMDb, the budget was only sixty grand, so I get it. But still. How much does punching someone in the balls cost? Maybe borrow some funds from the bandanna/eye patch budget?

Holy shit. I'm completely astounded. You, like me and this flick, actually made it to the end. Impressive.
Wait a second. No you didn't. You just scrolled down and skipped the whole thing. I saw you.

At least, I think I did.


    ...and so on. I want to watch this movie.

    1. If you dare, surround yourself with lots of bad food and good friends.

      When the films over, apologize profusely.

      Or, go with good food and bad friends. Then everyone can just f--k off.

  2. LOL Wow, I think I need to experience this.

    1. Just watch the opening scene that leads with the title blasting onto the screen.

      That should be enough of an experience.

  3. Quick tip, if you tag @theJTRO, he'll likely retweet this review, he tends to share most thoughts about his work, positive or negative. I haven't seen this one yet, but desperately want to. He also did another film called Wet and Reckless which I've heard has a similar level of humor, but without as much of the bad-movie elements to it.

    1. So...this was the best advice ever. That guy is the best. If he's going to promote people's sites regardless of what they say about is film, then he is the f--king man. I'm officially down for whatever he does, even if it's utterly ridiculous.

      Thanks again, man!

  4. I totally didn't scroll down and skipped everything. You don't believe me? Let's settle this with a game of Beat Beat Revelation.

    But seriously though, you always introduce me to movies I might never have the chance to know about. And funnily enough, I really want to see this!!! Worst case scenario and I don't like it, I can always fast forward.

    1. It's hypnotic. Honestly, for the first 15 minutes or so, I really thought that it was so bizarre and ridiculous, it was going to be my favorite movie ever. But the charm starts to wear off by the end.

      In the right mood, though, and this may be a winner. I'm just not sure what that mood is, exactly.

      Is impossibly drunk a mood?

  5. Wow. I've got to see this movie.

    Hilarious review. Especially loved the Yays & Boos on this one - especially "Seriously, the whole entire production seems like a French Canadian version of Boyz N the Hood, set in an 80's movie version of 1995. (that may or may not make sense)" Makes perfect sense, actually.

    1. I don't know how this happened, but I guess I'm totally vouching for this movie now. If you actually watch this, please, please come back and post a link to your review.

    2. Done it...


  6. I've always wanted to watch this, but now you've confirmed that it seems amazing.

    1. I'm not sure I can go amazing, without following it up with -ly f--ked up and ridiculous.

      I don't even know what to say anymore.

      Purple monkey dishwasher.

  7. This movie is so ridiculous! It's awful in pretty much every way, yet I still have a soft spot for it. Not sure I'd watch it again, though.

    1. Few words have been uttered that I have agreed with more.

      Oddly fun and painful, but likely never again.