Friday, May 23, 2014

Wrapped candies!

What's that old saying? Hate brings us together. Hmm...that might not be it. But it's close, I'm sure.

Anyway, it's probably always been that way, but with message boards, social media, Hell, the internet as a whole, it's easier and easier to not only find something to hate, but people to hate it with. Now, I'm not talking about organized, awful, deep rooted, mean-spirited hate. I'm talking about silly shit that annoys you on the regular. Honestly, I'm too old to really hate anything anymore, as I can rarely muster up the time or energy to care either way. That said, here are six things I f--king hate the shit out of. Maybe you'll be able to join in?
  1. Fanboys, especially of the video game variety. Guys, are you f--king kidding me? We're arguing about toys. Buy it, play it and shut the f--k up about it.
  2. The Montreal Canadiens. Way to go, f--kers. You beat my beloved Bruins, and now this?
  3. Melissa Joan Hart. Everything post-Clarissa Explains it All is just awful and infuriating.
  4. Maryland drivers. Just the biggest group of non-blinker using a-holes ever. If only there were cliffs they could blow past me and drive the f--k off of.
  5. The fair. F--k you, do I hate the fair. Bad food, awful rides and just the worst of the worst of humanity. Oh, and it smells like shit. Everywhere.
  6. Family Guy. Yep, never really cared for this. At all. Ever. Not my kind of humor.
Perhaps surprisingly, I didn't hate A Million Ways to Die in the West. In fact, looking back, I think it was pretty f--king funny. Maybe it was the lively crowd, maybe it was the excitement of an advanced screening (my first since 2006), or maybe it was just because it's honestly funny. Whatever it was, the movie worked for me.

Set in Arizona in 1882, A Million Ways... tells the story of Albert (a hysterical Seth MacFarlane), a pretty shitty shepherd who hates every single thing about living in the Wild West. Every single thing that is, except his lovely girlfriend Louise (Amanda Seyfried, in full on bitch-mode). Turns out she needs some time to work on herself, and dumps poor Albert and shacks up with Foy (Neil Patrick Harris, kicking ass left and right), the proprietor of the local mustachery, whatever the f--k that is. Foy is a huge dick, and routinely torments Albert until the mysterious Anna (Charlize Theron, hotter and more likable than ever) shows up and slowly instills confidence in him. We've seen this story before, but trust me, it's never been told quite this way. 

The plot is incredibly secondary, as surely no one will be talking about it on the way out of the theater. What they will be talking about, however, are the jokes, and whether you like them or not, this movie is f--king full of them. Sure, some are beaten into the ground in true MacFarlane style, but even those work. While I was probably smiling the entire time, and laughed out loud a fair amount, the theater was rolling. Shit, the guy next to me? That dude probably pissed his pants a dozen times he laughed so much. But...he also came equipped with a pretty serious stack of comic, there's a chance that most of that urine was already there.
Look, if you don't find racist jokes, lots of talk about dirty sex, unflinching graphic violence, cowboy hats full of shit (and a decent amount of stale jizz) funny, you likely should pass on this one. Perhaps even stop reading this site altogether. And while those bits are on the cheaper side of the laughs, I was kind of all in on the aforementioned hate. Albert f--king hates the West so much, it's hysterical. It's such a joyless, awful, bucket of shit, MacFarlane clearly enjoys making fun of it. And the resulting jokes were the best part. Even better though, Albert and Anna are essentially modern people dropped into the late 1800's, talking and complaining like typical contemporary a-holes, but it totally works. Well, at least for me. And Comic Book Guy.

What might not work, are the Yays and Boos. I might be making fun of the guy next to me for being a dork, but at least he didn't smuggle in a journal to take notes during the flick (no cell phones, bitches!). So, let's just say writing in the dark might also be something I hate. Well, certainly reading that shit after the fact, anyway...
  • Theron is fine, we all know that. But Theron in a cowboy hat? I think there was a shootout in my pants. (okay, that's gross...I'm sorry)
  • Two words: Shadow. Head.
  • Miss America, 1880. That's a fine bitch.
  • Speaking of photos, I enjoyed the bit about not smiling in pictures, even if they beat it into the ground.
  • Silverman. She is pretty ridiculous as the principled whore-bag, Ruth.
  • The deaths are pretty good, too. I especially liked death by fart. Though the ice thing was solid, too. You know what I mean, right? Solid. As in the state of frozen water, as in...oh, f--k it.
  • Oh, so that's how people knew you were gay.
  • Some of the race stuff is hit or miss, but I especially loved their all-too earnest take on Native Americans. Damn selfish Indians...
  • You know what? That f--king mustache song was pretty good. so was the accompanying dance number, too.
  • Frontier medicine. I wish once, just once, someone would prescribe bluejays.
  • The reverence for a dollar bill cracked me up. Take off your hat, son! That's a dollar bill!
  • Cameos. I don't think MacFarlane can breathe without being at least five minutes away from a random cameo, but what we get here are pretty inspired. One got a huge laugh (even though you savy types will see it coming), but the other two were good, um...too. I think RR is going for some sort of record, personally. Oh, and JF, too. That was awesome.
  • Though there are a lot of good lines, my favorite was probably Your dick's out. Simple, but brilliant.
  • The rattlesnake conversation. Sorry, sir. Sorry, sir. Sorry, sir.
  • The clarification of the p--sy joke killed me. Either way that shit's funny.
  • And finally, Seth MacFarlane. I imagine this may have been a tough pitch, not only to the studio, but also his fellow actors as well. That said, this guy has balls. Even if you don't end up liking the movie, you almost have to respect it.
Is it just me, or does MacFarlane just look weird. Like, an alien or
something, doing his best to blend in.
  • Neeson! First, what the Hell is  a giant Irishman doing in a Western in the first place?
  • And where the Hell was he for seven-eighths of this movie?
  • That Stephen Foster joke. Now, thanks to Wikipedia, I get it. Then, I felt like an uncultured asshole.
  • Man, that's what gets Foy off? Kinda nasty, if you ask me. Maybe if I could grow a mustache I'd understand...sigh.
  • There little slap fight routine during the bar brawl was lame.
  • Was that Neeson's ass? 'Cause that ain't right, if so. Sure, he has a very special skill set, but I don't think it's having things placed in his ass. But....I never stayed all the way through the credits for either Taken movie...
  • That was a lot of shit. Like, a lot of shit. 
  • There's math, MacFarlane. Movie math. If you're going to show a dick. You show breasts. At least four of them. But if that dick belongs to an animal, and that animal pisses on someone's face? That's at least...carry the one...900 breasts. But we fell way short of that number. Like...900 short.
  • What was with that extended tripping sequence? No really, answer me. Out loud. Right now.
  • Wes Studi. Poor guy only gets a role every ten years.
  • Even if it didn't dare you even threaten Plugger like that?
  • We couldn't have our cell phones, so not only did I feel like one of children were missing, but I had no idea how long the movie was. And between you and me...this f--ker was probably twenty minutes north of where it should be. Though, had that time been allotted for 450 topless women...
  • And finally, the advanced screening crowd. When I look around and pretty much every single person there is a huge f--king dork, it's sadly eye-opening. These are my people. one of them.
I mean, maybe you'll see this movie after reading this post and think that it totally sucked. And you'll be mad, soooo very mad that you wasted money on this turd. You know what you'll do when you get home that night? You'll say some pretty terrible things about me.

Here, on my blog.

Ah, it's really magical what hate can do, isn't it?


  1. Neeson is in your boos?! *gasp* Actually that's a good point about an Irish dude being in the west. I'm looking forward to this one. It seems pretty funny. I also love that you hate Family Guy. I started to like it less after South Park pointed out all of it's flaws. I guess I'm just a South Park purist.

    1. He's only a Boo because he's barely in this, and gets almost nothing funny to do. But as a rule, Neeson is never, ever a Boo. I mean, he's f--king LIAM NEESON. He could unleash the Kraken at any time. You don't f--k with him.

      I used to love South Park But as my wife hates it, I rarely watch it anymore...though my son is currently referring to Pokemon as Chinpokomon exclusively, which is impossibly awesome.

  2. Shit, did I read that right? You went to an advanced screening???

    I'm interested in this, the actors, Charlize Theron on the poster, and it does look a lot of fun. Judging from the poster I thought the title was "Smoking Guns".... that would have been a cooler title too!

    p/s: Hey, Melissa Joan Hart was cool in Sabrina The Teenage Witch!

    1. Yeah you did. I saw this one a full nine days ahead of domestic release. What's your record? Wait, don't answer that.

      It would have been a better title, definitely. And shorter. Though the Silverman character poster says WESTWARD HO in real big letters, and that one is pretty fitting as well.

      No. I liked the talking cat/horrible puppet. That's it.

  3. Sati would love this film if the boobs-thing is true.

    Awesome review. In fact, it's so awesome that I'm starting to think McFarlane gave you an advanced screening ticket and a pool of money so that you would write a favorable review--you know, seeing as you're the baddest motherf--ker around in the film critic community these days. Or could the movie just actually be...funny?

    1. I have no idea what you're talking about with the boobs-thing (and Sati's love of it), but consider me intrigued.

      'Baddest motherf--ker'? Did you type this from your phone? Cause your AutoFill is really messed up. How it got baddest motherf--ker out of biggest f--king dork is astonishing. It's weird.

      I'm know I'm going to regret this one in the morning...but this movie was...f-f-f-funny.

    2. The dick-boobs ratio thing? Yeah I believe it. However I don't want to see animal dicks. My love for dicks...has limits :) So Thrones definitely should equalize the ratio with dragon dicks or something ^^

  4. I bet Macfarlane actually ends up with Theron's character. That's fucking insane. Who chooses this over Neeson?

    I loathe Family Guy. I didn't hate Ted but then he hosted the Oscars and that was just awful. I may check it out for Theron when it hits the DVD, I'm also curious about Harris and Seyfried they actually look like they can be funny here.