Wednesday, May 21, 2014

You want the hammer?

My work commute is 75 miles. Each way. It used to be 3. Total. For six years, I never really listened to the radio and no idea what was happening in pop music. Well, I taught 12 year olds, but who the Hell listens to them? Now, unfortunately, I know the charts inside and out. And as I hear these same damn songs over and over again, one thought routinely crosses my mind: How the f--k do people like this shit?
Thursday night, for whatever reason, I Redboxed Ride Along. Back in January, I rolled my eyes at the trailer just like the rest of you. But when it raked in $134 million at the domestic box office, I'm not gonna lie and say that I wasn't at least a little intrigued. This little voice in the back of my head, when it's not saying There's no going back, whispered, Well, maybe it's better than it looked. 

Turns out, it's worse. Much worse.

Kevin Hart, to me, is actually a pretty funny dude. And Ice Cube, quite frankly, was one of the voices of my youth (Death Certificate is one of the best rap albums of all time). But the combination of these two, combined with reasonable expectations, turns out to be a resounding misfire. It's the cinematic equivalent of a Ke$ha single: It's not only acceptable, it's somehow beloved by the masses. Even if it's clearly the work of the devil.

If you saw the trailer, trust me, you're good, as there are likely only two minutes of worthwhile story. The tale of the eager new recruit and the grizzled old vet has been told a thousand times, and in every instance I can think of, in a much better fashion. The only time this movie even remotely enters the vicinity of not shitty is when Hart is let loose, and even those aren't particularly memorable. At least he's trying though, as Cube is stuck on possibly insulted for the duration, and seems okay with being the worst part of a bad movie. He's got more charisma in those Coors Light commercials, and there he's arguing with a f--king can.

Speaking of watered-down poison for the masses, let's dull the pain with the Yays and Boos. The only real rookie mistake was renting this f--ker in the first place.

Cube's mad because his sister is giving up the nappy dugout.
  • It was handled poorly, but still, I'm with you, Cube. Nobody wants a Prius in a car chase. Nobody.
  • Speaking of, that chase in the beginning? That was some solid action. Too bad that was all of it.
  • Hart's video game prowess is silly, but used somewhat effectively. I especially loved all mentions of his handle, Black Hammer. Oh, and his partner Assface, too.
  • Hands down the funniest scene in this movie? It has to be when Hart confronts that biker gang early on. That's my wife!
  • Jay Pharoah. Even if he isn't given much to do as Runflat, just seeing this guy and thinking of his Denzel impression is a Yay. I'm asking you a question.
  • Somebody mentions Action Jackson.
  • My wife, so beautiful. So clueless. Is that Ice-T? I snicker. Are you gonna write that down?
  • And finally, Kevin Hart. Again, he's not that consistent, but whatever joy this movie offers, it's because of him. How tall is Omar now?
  • Do all detectives speak like they've never been to school?
  • If One Crazy Summer was right, I'm pretty sure someone slapped Cube on the back mid-scowl.
  • Crazy Cody. Congrats, sir. Your five minutes in this movie made me wish I didn't have eyes.
  • PG-13 strip clubs. The Players Club, this ain't.
  • John Leguizamo. Aka Cinematic Poison.
  • Laurence Fishburne is in this? What? Somebody give this f--ker the blue pill immediately. Shit. I'll take one, too.
  • And finally, America. Guys, I'm all for some dumb shit. All for it. But this? We spent $134 million to see this? This movie made more cash than The Rock? and I'm pretty sure Cube never yells I got green smoke! I got green smoke! Not in this movie, anyway...

Look, your booty don't need explaining, sure, but how in the Hell this movie was such a hit, does. Sometimes, I guess, popular stuff is actually really good, and deserves to endure forever. But other times, it succeeds in spite of how terrible it really is. Maybe I'm wrong. I mean, there was a time when I would instantly turn off ...Baby One More Time by Britney Spears. But now?  Well, just change off to up.


  1. I almost stopped reading when I saw the name Ice Cube. But then I realised, you can't make that shit up... I am so glad I wasn't born in America. You're turning me into a patriot, m.brown!

    1. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ice Cube used to be the man. Check out Boyz N Da Hood to see him in his glory. The guy was legit for a minute or two.

      Patriotism? That's what we're all about here. Long live mother Estonia. Or Canada. Or whatever.

      Oh, and I'm sure you guys have some really bad movies, too, right? Let me know...because, you know. That's kind of my thing....

  2. Mayyyyybe I should take this out of my Netflix queue...

    1. I don't know, Brittani. I really, really reallyyyyyyyyyyyy thought it was lame, but maybe you'll like it.

      I mean, you liked Godzilla, right?
      Oooooohhhhh, burn!

  3. Ok, that sounded like a really horrible movie. Skipping it for good.

    1. I don't know why, but that makes me feel bad. When I read a review that says a movie is horrible, I actually consider seeing it. Clearly, there's something wrong with me.


  4. LOL! I kind of find Kevin Hart hilarious, but I had no desire to see this. Now, I kind of do, if only to write a scathing review because those are always fun to do. As always, your review is like my favorite thing in forever.

    1. Hart is a funny dude, though he may be better in smaller doses. Hell, I liked his standup movie, too.

      While I love shitting all over a bad movie, I honestly hoped that this one was going to be funny. The preview was awful, but I sincerely hoped that something utterly terrible wouldn't make millions and millions...but that's pretty naive, isn't it?

      Thanks, man.

  5. Shit and here I was thinking of watching that. They were both on Conan a while back to promote the film and they had a ride along with Conan which was hysterical but I guess it must have been because of that ginger goof-ball.

    1. Oh my God, that bit on Conan was 900x funnier than the entire production. I completely forgot about how great that segment was (the poor f--ker who picked them up?).

      I can't believe you almost considered watching this. I would have shit myself had you done so. Hell, I can't believe I watched it. But you? YOU? Ridiculous!

    2. Well it's a comedy, I stick to comedies recently ^^ I wouldn't even know of the movie if it wasn't for that Conan bit but it sounds like the comedy potential ended there :)

    3. This is a comedy only because it can't be anything else. Maybe horror?

      It did. Conan was the funniest thing about this. Easily. Though, that can be said for a lot of movies.

  6. From what I saw when I viewed the trailer, it looks like cardboard filler for Walmart's $1.96 black Friday sale.
    Regardless of how bad it looked, like you, I WAS going to give it a chance and rent it...until I read this review, NOW I think I'll wait until I get another promo code for a free rental. A buck-fifty spared, for now.

    1. It's funny, I did wait until I had a rent one get one code and I doubled this one up with I, Frankenstein. I didn't even bother with that one because the life had been sucked out of me by this alleged 'hit comedy'.

      It was a night of bad decisions. All around.