Saturday, May 10, 2014

You're not going to let me spend my birthday all by myself, are you?

Is that a long time?

That's what my son asks me, every single instance where we discuss the concept of time. It could be the thirty minutes until dinner, the seven months till Christmas (which means Skylanders), or the five years till he's ten (he's obsessed with that age), but time is still a very fascinating thing for him. Today, however, the number isn't thirty, seven or even five. Today the number is three. 

Three years ago tonight, I started this blog as a personal forum to express my love for movies. I didn't know what I was doing, and had never even read someone else's movie blog (um, those are both still essentially true). It started slowly (and rather embarrassingly), but I was hooked regardless. I had to keep doing it. In fact, there hasn't been a movie I've seen in it's entirety and not posted about since that night. It's basically a tradition at this point. A sad, sad tradition.

Also tradition, is this annual horribly self-congratulatory anniversary post (2012, 2013). It's not only a look back at the year that was here at Two Dollar Cinema, but also a thank you note to the people who make this train wreck even possible. Let's start with that look back first, shall we?

I watched and reviewed (and by review, I mean rambled endlessly near) 87 movies in the last twelve months, 28 of which I saw in the theater. Not too surprisingly, that's actually a huge decline from the 113 and 44 I churned out last year. But, making and raising a baby can take a lot out of you. Well, not so much the making....Anyway, dramatic films doubled the nearest other genre, with a total of 32 so-called dramas taken in. Horror was the lowest of any genre watched, with only seven flicks featuring people getting killed in ridiculous fashion.

And despite still really hating lists, here are the the top and bottom thirteen movies from the last year. Feel free to disagree with all of them, because in a week, I will too.

Two Dollar Cinema's Top 13 (May 2013 - May 2014)
  1. The Wolf of Wall Street - I have been living my life incorrectly.
  2. In Bruges - I loved every single thing about this film.
  3. Gravity - One of the most terrifying movies I've ever seen.
  4. The Lego Movie - Almost too much fun. Beyond awesome.
  5. This Is the End - It was almost the end of my life, too. No air.
  6. The World's End - The only movie I bought after seeing it.
  7. The Raid 2 - Expected the world and wasn't let down. At all.
  8. Thor 2 - I love Jane. And, kind of want to be her? Weird, right?
  9. Don Jon - Outside of the ending, this movie is f--king brilliant.
  10. About Time - As in, it's about time I stop crying like a wee girl.
  11. Captain Phillips - Screw you, Academy. Hanks is flawless.
  12. Monsters University - I thought Pixar had lost a step. Nope.
  13. The Heat - My wife and I couldn't stop laughing at McCarthy.

Two Dollar Cinema's Bottom 13 (May 2013 - May 2014)
  1. Walking With Dinosaurs - I think I hate Jurassic Park now.
  2. Big Bad - Simply awful. Luckily, it's indecipherable at times.
  3. The Babysitters - A club that no one should ever belong to.
  4. Only God Forgives - Blink you motherf--ker! Blink!
  5. Free Birds - We will never celebrate Thanksgiving again.
  6. Planes - Like Cars 2, but worse. And Cars 2 sucks balls.
  7. Big Wedding - No white for the bride, as she f--ked us all.
  8. The Paperboy - If only this movie was stung by a jellyfish...
  9. Killing Season - DeNiro and Travolta clearly have bills to pay.
  10. Hansel & Gretel WH - I wish someone pushed me in an oven.
  11. Guilt Trip - The only one guilty is me. I rented this. Willingly.
  12. Valhalla Rising - Say something, I'm giving up on you.
  13. The Help - This movie, for me, was a lot like that special pie. 
Now, like any three year old, we're not going to quit while we're ahead. We're going to leave oh, how cute territory and enter I think he needs a nap land.

Good, but Never Again
  1. The Impossible - Or as it's known at our house, What to Never Show a Pregnant Woman
  2. The Hunt - I wanted to leave my house and fight. My opponent? Humanity.
Really Bad Movie, Really Good Time
  1. Safe Haven - The funniest movie about domestic violence ever.
  2. The Call - I called 911 immediately after, to report Halle Berry's agent missing and presumed dead.
  3. The FP - I dare you to watch this. All of it.
  4. Cat People (1982) - They should probably make more movies about incestual leopards. Or less.
With the formalities out of the way, let's start this party. And like any embarrassing gathering, we're going to make this a themed event. And as this is a movie site, I think there's no better way to celebrate a turning three than a motherf--king Harry Potter birthday. Please, find your nametags and let's cut the cake and blow out the candles. This party is really for you.

Sati @ cinematiccorner. It's been years and she's still promoting this mess almost weekly. If I'm going to make it through Hogwarts, she's the one carrying my ass.

Brittani @ Rambling Film Always quick to comment, she drops the hammer like none other. I'm sure Ginny cursed like a sailor when no one was around. Totally.

Fisti @ A Fistful of Films A blogging maniac, in the best possible way. Ron kept Harry going, even when Harry was being a huge dick. Like, always.

Elina @ Films and Coke I love her blog, especially her use of footnotes and that sweet ass rating system she's come up with. Luna's good to show up out of nowhere, say something amusing and basically float away. Seems about right, no?

Wendell @ Dell On Movies A quietly fantastic blogger. He inspired one of my most ridiculous posts ever with his clever blogathon. Neville, was a bad motherf--ker. He just played it cool till he needed to be.

NOT PICTURED: asrap @ Whoa, This is Heavy! (my own personal Draco Malfoy, for beating me to the punch always) Alex Withrow @ And So it Begins...(Dumbledore, obviously) and Jess and Linds @ French Toast Sunday (would Fred and George offend you? 'Cause those dudes were pretty unpretentious). Thanks you all for the support.

Everyone else? You're represented by Cho Chang, chilling in the back. You're attractive and I secretly have a thing for you, so there's that. And you come here, so you're likely really smart, too. But, would it kill you to speak up? Damn, Cho. Damn.

And finally, to my family, thanks for putting up with this. Again and again.
Because yes, Matty. 
It is a long time.


  1. LOL. Nice, I'll take Ginny, she grew into quite the badass.

    Happy Three Year!! I hope you keep it up for many more years to come.

    Also I love what you said about The Impossible and The Hunt. 100% agree.

    1. Thanks. Yeah, luckily for the analogy, Ginny turned into somewhat of a force. 'Cause early Ginny was essentially worthless. I hope that makes sense...

      I will never see a minute of either of those two again. Maybe The Hunt, if I had to, but otherwise no f--king way.

      Thanks, as always, Brittani.

  2. Happy B'day! I have lots of fun reading TDC and you go on for much longer. And thanks a bunch for the mention.

    1. Ah, thank you. Hopefully I can manage to keep it going for a little while longer. Or at least until they remake Spider Man. Again.

      The mention? The least I could do!

  3. While I definitely do not deserve a Harry Potter character, allow me to say (as Cho) I'm proud of you man. Keep plugging along! And maybe, just maybe, we will get the boys together this summer? Although, now of course, we could say we are going to get both sets of our children together. Happy birthday! I really enjoy reading your blog. It helps me feel like it is still the good old days where we were young and dumb and really needed a job. Take care.
    -Mr J

    1. Mr. J? Who is this masked man? Jay Beard?

      Despite this reply coming long after all the others, I have to admit, I was floored that you still bothered coming here. I thought you were out after I praised Easy A (um, in 2012), which you apparently hated the shit out of...for some reason. But despite that, you came back...and said some nice things (like a true friend)? Well, there's only one thing I have to say about that.

      Shockingly, I'm not surprised.

      God, I miss being young and dumb. Well, at least young, anyway...

  4. Thank you! Wow, Hermione which I had this much passion for studying! I've been doing so much of it I barely have time for blogging :/

    1. Studying....ah, those were the days.

      As always, I just want say thanks again for the support of this blog. You have come here a long time and still regularly post witty and hilarious comments, not to mention all the linkage. I always, always, alwaayyyyys appreciate it.

      Oh, and c'mon. If it's a three year olds HP party. You pretty much have to draw Hermione. Have to.

    2. Half my life is reading shit. Why the hell did I become a lawyer? :/

      Hey, if I didn't come here I wouldn't even know of the existence of such gems like Cat People or Babysitters ^^

    3. Oh, great. Now it's my fault that you know about Babysitters. That might be a punishable offense in some countries....And if not, it should be.

      Damn, Daddario and her magically perfect breasts.

  5. I love how we're like essentially brothers and we've only been blogging buddies for a few months! I feel the same way bro, and happy blogging birthday.

    Now, I have not seen Harry Potter (I know, I'm ashamed), but does this mean that Sati and I are an item? I'm ok with that, since her opinions on everything give me life!

    1. Yeah, man. You showed up out of nowhere and have been a mainstay. It's impressive that you comment ANYWHERE (let alone here) when you're posting all the time. Like I told you before, you are a machine. Incredible.

      Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. You haven't seen Potter? What the shit is this? Granted, I haven't seen one of them (my favorite book in the series, no less), but none of them? At all? Madness, I say. Madness!

    2. I feel I must rectify this Potter blindspot soon...

    3. Well, that's something that we'll have to remedy, isn't it?

  6. I cried, I laughed, I puked a bit in my mouth. Great story!

    No, really, I just cried. I think you are full of shit sometimes (I mean... is it possible the Cat People film really exists?), but in all honesty, you are the greatest blogger around and I love your blog and I think it becomes greater with every post. Happy happy birthday, man!

    1. Haha, too nice. Thanks for the kind words.

      Now, clearly I'm a decrepit, old man...but even I can see that you have an excellent blog yourself, and hopefully you stay at it. You know, wondrous things such as f--king youth may get in the way, but keep it going. It's one of my favorites!

      Girl....I dare you to see Cat People. Dare. You.

  7. For someone whose supposedly always early... I'm late to this birthday party. Almost one week late!! Did you save any food?

    Aww... you don't like lists? I thought guys loved them... well at least that what they said in the movie "High Fidelity". But still, you don't need lists. You reviews are hilarious enough. Happy anniversary!

    1. Plenty of food left, no worries. Well, if awful sentences and misguided self-worth are edible, anyway.

      Thanks, man. I'm totally into lists, just not making them. I'm entirely too wishy-washy. I'd be a terrible President. Maybe even person, while we're at it.

  8. What I love so much about your site is that you're discussing films in your own, unique way. There's literally no one else doing what you're doing, and I can't get enough of it. Keep up the great work, my friend!

    (Also, I missed your Safe Haven review when it published. I left an... insightful comment on it.)

    1. My 'own, unique way' may be incoherent and absurd most of the time, but I appreciate the compliment endlessly. I do. The more I talk to people, the more it seems that so often that we like movies because of something else, other than what' on screen. I have somewhat inadvertently made that my niche, I guess.

  9. So I left you a comment when this post came out and looked back in my bookmarks and saw that it never posted! Stupid Blogger. Well, I didn't want you to not know that I say congrats on the bench mark and please keep writing! If you aren't nominated for Funniest Blogger at the LAMMYs this year I quit!

    1. Stupid Blogger, indeed. For whatever reason, I lose so many comments I post on other sites, it drives me nuts. And since they're never me when I say they are the best comments ever.

      Thanks for the kind words, Jess. I hope to keep this blog going as long as Hollywood keeps churning out unnecessary reboots and awful rom-coms. Should be good for awhile, huh?

      Oh, and good movies, too. I like those. Promise.