Tuesday, May 6, 2014

You ready to take a piss?

I'm married. And I have kids. According to Movies, I'm:
  1. secretly miserable, mired in an increasingly stale routine
  2. totally envious of my douchey, non-married friends, who have sex all the time (even on weeknights!)
  3. basically a virgin again, as it's been so long since I've had sex with anyone
Well, f--k you Movies, because also according to you, after an hour or so examining those awful truths, it will turn out that I:
  1. am too focused on the negatives, and am ignoring the great beauty of my simple, yet rewarding life
  2. don't realize how unhappy those friends of mine are, and they actually long to be me
  3. love my wife more than anything, and that we will soon rekindle that passion in a stunning grand gesture
Why do I hate this poster so much? Oh, it's because I'm the top guy.
Despite this dead horse being beaten routinely since the dawn of time (or at least bad cinema), The Change-Up takes yet another crack at the all too-familiar story hinted above. The only innovation to the tired grown-man envy story, if you can call it that, is the entirety of the Freaky Friday plot has been lifted, and then sprinkled with a little bit of Big for good measure. But instead of a young Lindsay Lohan and that lovable goofball, Josh Baskins, we're left with the nightmarishly handsome duo of Jason Bateman and Ryan Reynolds. Not a bad pair, when you think about it.

No, the real fault of this life-swapping 'comedy' is the ridiculous script, too reliant in easy gags and f-bombs versus anything remotely insightful. Now, I realize that people don't fire up a flick like this one for the human drama, but I was hoping for a few more genuine laughs. But, to be fair, I did almost piss myself during a shit scene. Um, if that makes sense.

If you can't figure it out from the poster, hears just about all you need to know. Stuffy Jerk (Bateman) switches bodies with his (for some impossible reason) best friend, Handsome Manchild, and calamity ensues. Each guy wants their f--king life back! till they get to see the benefits of being in each other's body. Stuffy Jerk gets to hang out and f--k around all day, things he hasn't done in years. Manchild, on the other hand, gets to have a family and real responsibility, things no one ever thought he could manage, let alone be successful with. The zaniness is almost too much to bear.

Look, this movie is harmless and potentially just funny enough to watch. Half of. Even if the bulk of the jokes are shitty, the cast is anything but. The likable gents in the lead roles were enough for Mrs. Two Dollar Cinema, but I was shocked (and thrilled) that each guy was countered with a very lovely lady. Playing Bateman's wife, is none other than Leslie Mann, and Reynold's winds up with the impossibly sexy Olivia Wilde. And not that it's even worth mentioning, but both of these fine actresses appear nude in the film, but I mean, who cares about that? Certainly not me. That's why I don't even want to talk about them. Being naked. At all. Also showing up, is Alan Arkin for a minute or two, and he remains fully-clothed. Not like Mann and Wilde, who don't.

The Change-Up made the rotation as an 'easy' watch (wife's term, not mine), as my wife was tired and didn't want to use her brain. In that regard, this flick is a success, even if just barely. 

Also tip-toeing in the vicinity of entertaining, are the Yays and Boos. I asked who they would like to Freaky Friday with, and they said each other. I'll be honest with you...I don't even know what that means.

I seriously have to thank that kid for putting this in the Matrix.
 Yaaaaaaaaay!

  • My wife has a thing for Jason Bateman. Trust me, this is a Yay.
  • Olivia Wilde shows and immediately erases any memory of the projectile turd that was on the screen three minutes prior.
  • Two guys get together to watch baseball? Has someone been reading my Dream Journal again?
  • Nudity. Turns out great boobs are the funniest things in this movie. So hilarious, I was laughing so quietly, I had to replay each scene, like, three hundred times. 
  • Even though I loathed the whole Lorno angle, I did kind of like the director of the skin-flick. Especially when he threatens Reynold's hesitancy with maybe goat f--k your mouth? in his bad Russian accent.
  • Most of the humor involving Reynold's inability to take care of children made me want to kill something with my bare hands, but not the way he puts kids down on the couch. That shit was funny.
  • Move Soundtrack HOF candidate: Short Skirt, Long Jacket by Cake.
  • I haven't heard a word you said since you took your pants off. I might get this tattooed on my ass, it's so true.
  • And finally, even though this movie probably gets a thumbs-down, there was an impressive number of onscreen thumbs-up. Or is that thumbs ups...er, thumb ups? Shit. Nevermind. 

Booooooooo!
  • Guess what? The unhappy married guy? He's actually got a good reason to be in this flick. I mean finally, right? It's not like he's got a great family, hot wife, and is totally rich. Oh, wait...
  • Kids. The older daughter is cute, sure, but the twins are essentially CGI demons. They're like the beginning of Hellboy, except uglier (and less red).
  • I don't know about the cancer list thing. Seems like a real terrible joke.
  • Reynold's goes on an on about this slut he knows, Tatianna. First, that's my sister's name...so, what the f--k, man? Second, wait til you see her. F--king ridiculous.
  • Speaking of awful nudity, what was with that old bitch with the giant titties? And why did he have to put his thumb there? That doesn't sound light. Or right.
  • Weird vibrator story. Not funny. As is the whole three testicles bit. Just stupid. Like an eighth grader wrote this.
  • What the f--k was with that giant purple car seat? Parents, help me out here...
  • As in any bad 'gross-out' comedy, we're going to talk about shaved balls, which I'm sadly okay with. It's pretty much a rule for someone to talk about their balls at this point, whatever. But why, why would any film based in and around reality, have one guy shave another's nutsac? Why?
  • And finally, I shit you not. This movie is ten minutes longer than Casablanca. For f--k's (and Rick's) sake, this shit has got to stop.
Well, after examining my life, yet again, through movies, I've learned one simple truth about myself.

I gotta start watching better films. 
Easy is getting to be really f--king hard.

8 comments:

  1. Before reading this review I had no interest in seeing this movie. Its a good thing you didn't mention anything about nudity from our female stars. That might have given me a reason to check it out. But since you didn't, I won't. No chance. Huh? What am I doing? I most certainly am not adding it to my queue, no matter what it looks like.

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    1. Uh oh. Apparently, the cat's out of the bag, man. I had my suspicions, but being that it was my favorite part of the movie, I didn't want to even mention the possibility...that the nudity is VFX. It seems my hopes and dreams have just been savagely beaten to death by Brittani in the comment below.

      RIP Actual Breasts. You will be missed.

      Delete
  2. Since you mentioned boobs - did you know they were CGI boobs? Both Mann and Wilde had CGI boobs. I think that's hilarious and completely unnecessary at the same time.

    I hate the "married people are miserable" schtick. I'm married, and I'm not miserable. The only lame thing is finding a baby sitter. I don't envy my single, childless friends at all.

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    1. I did? Oh, sometimes I don't even realize it.

      But while we're on the topic, I was thinking that there was something rather mysterious about Mann's nude scene...it seemed like Jake Scully was going to appear next to them at any minute. And Wilde's ? Something didn't look right either, but she's simply too sexy. Logic isn't allowed.

      Yeah, it is a pretty tired routine, definitely. I can't imagine being in my thirties and not having my kids. (But I wouldn't mind a night or two off once in awhile [we almost NEVER do that])

      Delete
    2. CGI boobs? What kind of Anti-Christ thought up this idea? And what's the point? It's not exactly an impossible stunt to not have your shirt on. Sigh. I'll happily no longer comment on this topic since I'm sounding way too sleazy.

      Delete
    3. I'm with you, Wendell. Just don't do a nude scene in the first place. Though, before I knew better...it was the highlight of the movie...

      Whoa...if you're sounding sleazy...then I'm probably something much, much worse.

      Delete
  3. OMG! CGI BOOBS! I must see this now!

    LOL, this movie (and all movies like it) kind of suck ass. I was actually thinking along the same lines as you with regards to the way that men in general are portrayed on screen. In fact, it pisses me off to no end that fathers are always portrayed as complete idiots who can't care for a child, lose them, make huge messes, endanger their kids lives and are completely reliant on their wives for everything child related...at that is just when their wife goes to the store for ten minutes.

    BULL-FUCKING-SHIT!

    I take care of my kids all the time. My wife has left me for weekends alone with all the kids. She leaves me with them all the time. I take them out alone every week..EVEN THE BABY! Like, what the fuck people! Fathers are actually pretty fucking awesome.

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    1. First, there were fake tits. Now, we've got fake real tits. This madness must stop.

      As for what you're saying about Dads, let me tell you, I couldn't agree more. I quit my job to stay home with the kids (I now work at night), and maybe I don't run shit like my wife, it still gets done and done well. Movies make Dads out to be bumbling assholes (just like you said), when that's simply not the case at all.

      Shit...I gotta go...baby's up.

      Delete