I'm sorry I was late. I was busy making a living.

This is going to sound really (really) stupid, but I'm not sure whether or not my parents are divorced. In fact, I'm not even sure whether or not they ever got married in the first place. I probably should know this, right? Anyway, being that this is a movie blog and not the journal of an unfortunately confused eleven-year old girl, let's just say that they are and they did, okay? Okay. Obviously, for me, the impact of those actions isn't something that really registers emotionally (unless moderate indifference is an emotion). But if my wife divorced me? Well, that might move the needle. And by the needle, clearly I mean my life. And by move? Yeah, that's code for f--king devastate.

For Ted Kramer (Dustin Hoffman, winning Best Actor), that's not the case at all. In fact, as the dad in 1979's Kramer vs. Kramer, Ted handles the shock of divorce like a feather-haired champ. Sure, there's the occasional meal-time catastrophe, the hot-and-cold relationship with his son Billy, and the total career implosion, but otherwise things totally work out. Where I would have been shedding a lone tear while serving Pop Tarts for dinner - again, Ted steps up and becomes The Dad he never was.

Now, the 'reluctant Dad getting his shit together' story isn't complete without the moment where he inevitably loses everything he's (finally) worked so hard for, and Kramer vs. Kramer isn't any different. About 18 months into Ted's metamorphosis into single dad-of-the-year, Mrs. Kramer (Meryl Streep, also getting a statuette) reappears and demands custody of Billy. Ted, rightfully so, is livid and lawyers up in an effort to keep the little goofball. Obviously, it's going to be an uphill battle to defeat Mom, but Ted is a fighter and the kid/annoying shit means everything to him....now.


Seeing a landmark film for the first time thirty-five years after its release is always a dicey proposition, but Kramer vs. Kramer still delivers. Sure, we've come a long way since 1979 (um, the year your mom's favorite blogger was born, by the way) and divorce might not carry the stigma it once did (not to mention the idea of gasp! Dad raising his boy!), but the movie resonates regardless.

While the material may be dated, the performances (and emotions behind them) are timeless. And as good as Hoffman is, Streep may actually be even better. Playing the downtrodden wife attempting to reclaim the kid she abandoned is essentially a thankless role. We're given very little reason to like her. But in the hands of Streep, and with very little screen time, Joanna Kramer becomes a very sympathetic character.

Not sympathetic, and with way too much screen time, are the Yays and Boos. You and me aren't even married, but I'm going to go ahead and grant you full custody over these two. Don't worry, they don't even like french toast. Or food.

Yaaaaaaay!

• My God, Young Streep. She's a pretty sexy older woman, but the 1979 model? Kramer vs. My Pants. (um, does she at all look like Jewel?)
• Ted's lawyer is either portrayed by a terrible actor, or one Hell of a straight shooter. This. Guy. Is. A. Machine.
• There's a point, likely the worst point, where Ted loses his job. If the ensuing ten minutes of film don't inspire you, you're a f--king nut. They should play this scene at ballparks heading into the bottom of the ninth.
• Which leads us to the trial, which is all kinds of hardcore. Joanna brings her A-game, for sure. I'm his mother. I'm his mother. And you's a bad mother, f--ker.
• Ah, Neighbor Lady. I'm not sure what to make of you and your attire/lifestyle, but I think I like you. though, could you maybe, just maaaybe turn the f--k around at the playground? The f--k?
• Just once, could I get up in the middle of the night to find some Naked Woman (and her ridiculous glasses) strolling down the hallway, vag-first?
• And finally, Hoffamn. He's been playing lovable goofball for far too long recently. But here, he's the truth. He's got another Oscar for Rain Man, but here, he's better.

Boooooooo!

• Ted's boss. Man, this guy is a dick. Apparently, he doesn't have any kids, which makes perfect sense, actually.
• Pre-reading. Ted, if you're going to read a note from Mom to your little guy, you might want to give it a once over. 
• Speaking of Billy, I'm not sure what to make of this kid. At times, he's pretty sweet and a generally likable dude. But other times? Well, let's not cut corners: I wanted to punch him in his dumb mouth.
• I wonder if the guys performing the score committed suicide immediately after the final session? Seriously, this shit is a bit heavy-handed, right?
• Dinner Time Standoff. Not only does Billy have a sweet tooth, sure, but this kid also has balls, too. Big ones.
• I swear Joanna's lawyer makes Ted's case for him. You're making MY point!
• m.brown, Giant Bitch. Not gonna lie, I fell apart when Billy said, If you ever get lonesome, you can just call me okay? Fell. Apart.
• And finally, the ending. That happened? And then she does what? What the shit is this?

If my mom had left when I was seven, I could only imagine how my dad would have handled it. Unlike Ted Kramer, my pops is a master chef, so meal time would have been incident free. But the little things, well...maybe not so much. In fact, one time, I remember him asking me a question, you should probably never ask kid. Especially when the answer is a definitive YES. We were walking through the mall, and he kind of half turned to me and said, Is today your birthday?

There's certain things you should just know, right?