AP Chemistry, bitch!

I'd have to shave my beard, or at least dye the few gray strands brown.
My old jeans would be way too lose, my hat way too tight. Probably have to wear it forward now, too.
And I could stop actually calling people when I wanted to talk, 'cause that's totally lame.
I guess I have to stop saying lame, too.
Oh shit:
My wedding ring. I'd have to lose that shit real fast.

So, yeah. I would totally go back to high school. 

Super late to the party, I finally fired up 2012's 21 Jump Street in anticipation of seeing the sequel theatrically. Despite many of the funnier moments being shot in the dick from the, at the time, ubiquitous preview, I had a blast with this one. If by some chance you still haven't seen it, you should, asap. Korean Jesus would want you to.

While the entire premise is 900% ridiculous (not to mention remaking a second-rate TV show from the 80's), everyone involved is fully aware and nails it, regardless. This simply should not have worked at all. But with Hill and a surprisingly hilarious Tatum, it does.

Clearly, this is the Hill and Tatum show, and their on-screen chemistry is hands down the best thing about this flick. I've heard some mixed things about the sequel, but here, these two are consistently hysterical. Hill has been funny in just about everything he's been in, so that's no surprise, but Tatum quietly steals the show. Turns out that Magic Mike can not only dance like a motherf--ker, but he can also drop a one-liner like one as well.

While Tatum's performance was at least somewhat surprising in its awesomeness, Ice Cube's brilliance as Capt. Dickson totally f--king floored me. Maybe it wasn't that funny, or maybe he was just that awful in Ride Along [review], but Cube f--king rules here. In a long, distinguished line of Angry Black Captains, Cube, in limited screen time, may be my all-time favorite. His speech early on, almost brought me to tears.


Speaking of crying uncontrollably, here are the Yays and Boos. None of us have ever been in trouble with the law before, but if we went back to high school, well, that might be a different story. I don't recall the ladies in my class all dressing like f--king hookers, but it has been awhile. Like almost a decade. Or, um...two. 

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

• Cop Duties. From Frisbee retrieval to stopping people from feeding the ducks, their early police work was all kinds of awesome.
• Even it's just a single minute, any time with Nick Offerman, is a good time. 37 Jump Street!
• I've never taken drugs, but sign me up for some motherf--king HFS.
• Speaking of, their reaction to watching that kid's video on YouTube was f--king great. Man, this kid rules!
• My favorite deity, the aforementioned Korean Jesus. Check that, busy with Korean shit, Korean Jesus.
• Jake Johnson. I like this guy. I might even, like-like him. 
• Same with Chris Parnell. You look like you might have a little Peter in you.
• Tatum's delivery of the following three lines still kills me (a week later). 1) Were you held forward? 2) I'll beat your dick off with both hands. 3) Potassium Nitrate. Thanks for noticing.
• The Star Wars handshake is f--king great.
• As was that old lady, trying to grab a handful of dick.
• Rob Riggle can overdo it, but when he yells F--k you, Doug! at the play I almost shit my pants. The look on his face....
• Tough titty. I f--ked her, too.
• And finally, let me start a slow clap for Jonah Hill. I stumbled upon his one scene in The 40 Year Old Virgin the other day and was completely f--king shocked. To see how far this f--king guy has come in such a short amount of time is truly impressive. 

Booooooo!

• Being bums me out sometimes. But seeing Eminem used as a dated reference? Full on depression.
• Referring to Hill as big titties seems pretty mean, you know, considering how skinny he was here.
• I used to one-strap. F--k. I thought it was cool!
• Hill and Tatum are supposed to look old, but what about Hill's chick? What's her excuse?
• Rough first days. Usually, mine were bad because the illiterate assf--k of a teacher would read my name as Maria when taking the attendance for the first time. But, that shit's way better than say, punching a gay kid.
• Vitamin C. No, not the key ingredient in a delicious Flintstones chewable, but rather the pop star of two-hit wonder fame. I hate that damn Graduation song so much, only because I kind of love it. A lot.
• And finally, one of my worst fears: getting shot in the dick. Sure, it's f--king hilarious, but take a second and imagine. Getting shot. In the dick.

As some of you may know, I used to be a teacher. And it's likely that teaching ninth grade English is the only way I'll ever really get to go back to high school, you know? Then again, the only way you'd know that is if you actually read this blog, as in, the words that comprise it, therefore you also probably know, there's no f--king chance of that ever happening. 

While that's more than likely true, maybe a little divine intervention is all that I need. Maybe I just need to say a prayer or two, tonight. Ask for a little help from above, perhaps?

Does Google Translate do Korean?