Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Any of this feel familiar to you?

I've never been a car guy. In fact, I've only owned two cars in the twenty years I've had my license, and I didn't put much time into the purchase (or maintenance) of either. It's just something I use to get to work, pick up my kids or whatever.

Speaking of family, as much as I truly love them (actual and acquired), I'm only close to a small number of them. My kids are one thing, but the adults in my immediate family? We're like part-timers. We're super close, but only for about twenty hours, um, per year. I have three brothers that I haven't seen together in at least a decade. The one thing that could bring us together? A beach trip. In Hawai'i....

...where there'd be sexy ladies with nice asses. It would be fantastic. But as much as we all like a great butt, personally, I've always been a fan of the tatas, you know?

So clearly it's my love of boobs that led to my (admittedly late) viewing of Fast & Furious 6. Though frankly, the boobs I love are not the ones you're probably thinking of. No, I keep coming back to these ridiculous movies because I've always loved lumbering oafs mumbling bad jokes, one awful syllable at a time. I shit you not.

Oh, those boobs.

Even though I wasn't really a fan of the highly-coveted fifth entry [review], the untimely passing of Paul Walker renewed my interest in this silly franchise. While I still haven't seen the second one, I was overcome with a sense of duty to see six before seven. And, well, that f--king tank scene from the preview didn't hurt either.

While you either a) already know or b) don't give a nos-boosted shit, here's the plot in a nutshell: Dom and crew, after a successful heist in Rio, have (yet again?) retired from their speedy and super-pissed lifestyles. That is, of course, until Agent Hobbs shows up, needing an elite crew of tech-savvy, multicultural gearheads. Dom refuses, until Hobbs drops a picture of Dom's dead girl while simultaneously raising the people's eyebrow. Cue the riding and the dying. For family.

And the nice asses, of course.

I'm not even sure which one I find sexier. Just kidding.
(it's totally The Rock)
  • Nice little trickeration there in the beginning. Ol' m.brown thought them boys was just racing. Not racing to be be somewheres.
  • Damn, Rock. Damnnn. This dude is so jacked he makes Vin Diesel look fit. Samoan Thor, indeed.
  • Shaw's escape is pretty nuts, even if it reminded me of an old Carrot Top 'joke' involving a triangular car.
  • If I wake up tomorrow, and I'm a chick with a sweet ass, the first thing I do is don a bikini, grab a friend and walk toward a car and/or party (or the ubiquitous car party). Why? Because that's what fine bitches do.
  • Okay, serious time: Carano v. Rodriguez was pretty awesome. I haven't seen a chick destroy a subway like that since Coneheads (anyone? anyone at all? Dell?).
  • There's something admirable (and moronic) about how, in these movies, no matter the problem, the solution is always FAST CARS.
  • "You're lucky this door's between us." The only thing cooler than a tough-guy threat like that, is when said door is immediately opened upon the challenge being uttered. (Three guys are killled...with a towel doesn't hurt either).
  • That London race was absurd(ly awesome). As was the fact that the finish line, at 180 mph, was a totally random crosswalk.
  • The finale with the giant plane was rad. But...
  • Please put that monkey wrench in the back pocket of your overalls and clap those greasy mitts together for TANK MADNESS. Even if none of that should have ever happened, the same could be said for the piss in my pants, too.
Watch where you point that thing, Baby Boy.
  • Even if this was the first movie and not the sixth (that still amazes me), the formula of SMASH x 2 + 'Clever line' = Walk Away Like the Smartest Guy in the Gym is getting a bit stale.
  • Walker's Brian has settled down and had a kid. He's out. Done. Retired. Until the mother of his young child says Go. You have to. For family. The f--k?
  • Dom's crew is hired to get Shaw. Three minutes later, they've surrounded Shaw's compound (and his entire gang). Does that um, defy f--king logic? Apparently, they were hired to get Shaw after he gets away the first time.
  • Jokes. I'm the last person who should call anyone out for a bad one-liner, but at least mine you don't pay for. Or hear performed.
  • They have unlimited funds, right? They can get Ludacris frickin' sharks with frickin' laserbeams on their heads. only makes sense that Dom is the one removing f--king bullets from himself...not say, I don't know, a doctor? (or a nurse...with a sweet ass, perhaps?)
  • Stuffy British Guy. Look, I kinda want The Rock to punch everyone in the face, sure, but this guy actually deserved it. And, it would have been way funnier than what they came up with. 
  • I thought amnesia was only used on General Hospital. Okay, so Leddy has a blank space and she'll write you name/punch your face - that's dumb enough. But the fact that she can still drive/snarl like a bastard was damn near offensive.
  • Just once, could I reconnect with an old love by comparing vagina scars? Please.
  • The moment in a movie when someone says that they'll cross-reference something in the computer is always silly, but when we cut to the aforementioned computer and see giant words blinking CROSS-REFERENCING? I want blood. Seriously. I mean, you're computer isn't flashing WASTING TIME right now, right? That's just sort of implied.
  • And finally, the finale. Oh, I loved it, long was that runway. I'm pretty sure they had reached that non-extradition country by land.
Even though it was essentially a good time, Furious 6 is a monster. It's unnecessarily long and bloated, repeating the same bits over and over. In fact, I broke it down into four 35-minute chunks, just so I could get through it.

I hope you did the same with this post.


  1. Loved Fast Five in all its ridiculous glory and loved this one almost as much. The tank was cool, but the armored F1 car did it for me. I really legitimately want one and want to do exactly what they did with it at the beginning. Seriously, how long was that runway? Yup, nice coneheads reference.

    1. Ah, the armored F1 car. Sooooo ridiculous, but yeah, pretty sweet, too.

      I thought you might have picked up on that one. Either that or you're totally f--king with me. Either way, I like it.

  2. God, that runway. Was it 10,000 miles long? That was so distracting to me. I never really cared much for these films, but I happened to watch this on TV recently.

    1. I'm pretty sure 10,000 miles is a conservative estimate.

      It seems like people are very irrational when it comes to this movie. They either think they are tremendous, which they aren't, or that they are a sign of the impending apocalypse...which they aren't. I think you and I are the same page. I don't really care for them....but I'm not violently opposed to them either.

  3. I need to see this one and 7...but 5 was so awful I decided to check out...but like that the least talented of the entire cast is dead, I kind of want to finish it out.

    Yes, I said it.

    1. Ice cold.

      First, Jordana Brewster is the worst actor in the whole group. Easily. But...

      ...I'm with you about part 5. I don't know why everyone has such a boner for it, as it steered me away from seeing 6 theatrically. I want to see 7, but I'm not exactly in any rush. "Finish it out"? You act like this is ending sometime soon...

  4. I haven't seen any of these movies but I will see that new one for Statham.

    If I saw Crank 2 for him, which I did...twice...I'll see anything.

    1. Two rounds of Crank 2 either makes you my hero, or someone I'll never speak to again...I'm not sure, but I'm leaning toward the former.

      I like the idea of jumping into a franchise after missing the first six, as I'm sure it won't be too taxing on you. Here's a quick recap of the first 6: Big guy was bad. Now good. Other big guy? Same. But in reverse. Oh, girls and cars happen, too.

      Easy, right?