Tuesday, April 28, 2015

And now we're on fire.

Despite the contents of this blog firmly suggesting otherwise, I actually went to prom. With a pretty girl, no less. Hell, years later? I even married one, too. But looking back to each of those majestic evenings, I distinctly remember the complete absence of the requisite limousine. In fact, I don't think I've ever actually been in one.

My only memories of limos come from those times as a kid, when you'd see one drive by, and we would all desperately wonder who could possibly be inside? It had to be someone famous, right? But those damn tinted windows made it all a guessing game that never really made any sense.

Why would only a chosen few ever get the chance to lay eyes upon such greatness?

Maybe it's my unnatural adoration of Patrick Wilson talking, but I f--king loved Stretch. Damn near every frame of it. And as its ridiculous story unfolded great bit after great bit, I kept thinking: why hasn't anyone seen this? 

Primarily set over the course of one insane day, Joe Carnahan's latest flick initially starts off lampooning celebrities. Stretch, as Wilson's character is often referred to, makes his money schlepping a variety of a-hole celebrities all over L.A. Stretch is a good guy, but has clearly f--ked up in the past. Often. Gambling debt, he has. A fine-ass girlfriend? Not anymore. As she recently dumped him mid O-face. His, not hers.

The big day starts innocently enough, as Stretch, shortly after getting chewed out by The Hoff, shuttles a rather irritated Ray Liotta to the airport. Easy peasy, no? Well, it was going to be, until eccentric millionaire Roger Karos literally falls out of the sky and into Stretch's life.

Karos, unleashed upon the world by that handsome devil Chris Pine, is a f--king madman. When we first meet him, it's all ass and balls, clearly indicating that he's going to f--k everything up (and over). He has requested/demanded Stretch's services for the rest of the day. In exchange, Karos will lay a gratuity upon Stretch that will cover the six grand he owes his bookie. Needless to say, Stretch is going to have to earn it.

Do you remember Running Scared, the one with Paul Walker? Well, I don't, except for the fact that I recall a seemingly endless parade of f--ked up shit. Stretch is like that (I think), except instead of twisted insanity, it gets funnier and funnier as the night progresses. By the end, I found myself laughing out loud like an idiot, and that's kind of a rare thing around these parts.

Not rare at all, but entirely idiotic, are the Yays and Boos. We're all kind of now remembering a limo ride to the airport once when I was eight, but that doesn't count at all, as it was basically just a long taxi. I mean, neither me nor my dad snorted cocaine (off of a hooker), popped open a bottle of champagne (on a hooker), or bothered to open the sunroof and unleash titties (of a hooker). Yep. According to movies, it's all pretty cut-and-dry: I've never been in a limo.

Of the top twenty of things Stretch has to be worried about?
That graffiti doesn't even sniff the list.

  • The opening scene where he meets his soon-to-be ex-girlfriend (Brooklyn Decker, uhdamn) is fantastic. Perfectly sets the tone.
  • Ed Helms, as Karl with a K, initially irritated me. But the more and more he shows up, the better and better it eventually gets.
  • Norman Reedus might want to lay low for awhile. Just saying...
  • Jessica Alba. Though you can say this about any movie she appears in, here? She's never looked hotter. Loved her character, too.
  • Hasselhoff is good, too. Scary good. As in, this motherf--ker terrifies me good.
  • It took me a second, but ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Flight's Cancer Guy, James Badge Dale. I love this guy. Need proof? Go here.
  • Honestly, most of the little conversations between characters are flat-out brilliant, but I especially loved Stretch's run-in with the Valet Guy. It's been a week and I'm still laughing. Any man that casually mentions to another that he should Eat his own dick, by rule, gets a Yay. Has to.
  • Holy shit. Tricking the OnStar lady was the coolest shit ever.
  • Stretch picks up this pop-star a-hole whose new album is called Bitches and Tits. I gotta keep my eye out for that one at Target.
  • Doorman Guy. I love you, sir. LOVE. YOU. almost as much as Wilson. Almost.
  • That final song, Let Us All In by Damien Jurado was soooo perfect! Check it out here.
  • F--k you, but that was the perfect ending. 
  • And finally, when you watch something on a whim, knowing absolutely nothing about it, and you f--king love it. As a dickhead movie blogger....there's nothing like it. I would have gladly spent nine bucks on this one (but Netflix will do, too).
I don't think Michael Scott would approve of such antics.
Or the mustache. 
  • The Jovi's hair. I'm with you Stretch, as it scared the living shit out of me, too.
  • Liotta is such a dick (it's actually great, but I'm booing how rotten he was to Stretch).
  • Karos' hookers were initially terrifying. I thought The Purge was about to start.
  • The party that Karos ends up at was on the wrong side of totally f--ked up. Not only do we have strange Robot Men licking stacks of money, but the cavalcade of freaks later on will likely haunt my dreams for a month.
  • Yo, Karos. That was a dick move. Like, record-setting, you know?
  • And finally, as I've been lamenting, how the Hell was this not released theatrically? I get it - this movie isn't high art by any stretch (nudge, nudge), but it's better than about 90% of what's been showing in my town for the last six weeks. I can see Paul Blart 2 on more than one screen, but something like this goes DTV? The f--k is this?
This weekend, I'll be heading to Philadelphia for a bachelor party with half-dozen other guys. Hopefully, at some point, there'll be a limo involved, and we can do all those things off of hookers I mentioned earlier. 

Just kidding, of course. 

Who needs a f--king limo?


  1. lol great review as always. I have such a soft spot for Patrick Wilson. He's just so good. This sounds like fun.

    1. Well, thank you. If you dig Wilson in any fashion, I would fully recommend it. My hard-on for this one is probably too, um, hard, but I really, really liked it.

      Let me know if you end up seeing it!

  2. You got me. I haven't come across this one in my browsings and therefore never heard of it. Sounds like a ball. Side note: juat rewatched Running Scared with PW. Yes, It's basically one f'd up thing after another.

    1. I've flirted with watching Running Scared again (last time I saw it was theatrically), but I can't quite muster up the time investment for a re-watch. I will though, as I recall having a Hell of a time with that one.

      As for Stretch, please, please give it a shot. It's not exactly Citizen Kane, but it's a funny f--king ride for sure. And Dell, it's got Alba. Do I really need to say anything else?

  3. LOL, I need to see this. I had it in my queue for a while and then heard nothing about it from anyone so I assumed it sucked and I took it out.

    And I've been in a limo once, on a work trip. This guy who was trying to get me to give him work rented one, got slobbering drunk in it and took me out to some cheap hole in the wall dinner for karaoke but failed to explain that the karaoke was in the far corner where only he sang and no one else paid any attention while they were eating SANDWICHES at their little tables. Then he started flirting with a MUCH younger and better looking waitress, told her he was going to take her out in his limo and then paid the limo guy to take me back to my hotel (which was almost an hour away) and come back for him and the girl. I found out the next day when he DIDN'T SHOW UP TO OUR MEETING WITH HIS COMPANY that he wound up walking home because the girl clearly wanted nothing to do with him and he didn't want to wait for the limo.

    I put on a suit for that!

    1. Fisti - see the movie. Now.

      But far more pressing, is this f--king brilliant tidbit from the ol' personal files. What in the f--k was going on this particular evening? Karaoke? Sandwiches? Reluctant suit-wearing? More, please!

    2. LOL, yeah...I work with a lot of brokers and this one in particular who had some serious issues (like, lost his house, wife, kids, job all due to gambling it all away kind of issues) called me up and asked if I'd fly out to PA and meet up with him and some reps from a new company he was potentially going to work for. So, I did. Show up, and he shows up with a sales exec and a limo. We go to some really nice Italian restaurant and talk some business and then he, now pretty hammered, suggest we go to this nice little club he frequents. Now, these guys are pretty old compared to me, but a club is a club and I'm game so I spend like 45 minutes in a limo watching this guy DOWN whiskey and the sales exec looks pissed and then we wind up at a hole in the wall diner with a bunch of seniors sipping soup and eating sandwiches and we get seated in the corner where this young girl (like, not legal to drink young) is setting up a small amplifier and mic stand for karaoke. So, I'm all like WTF and the sales exec actually calls a cab and leaves and so it's just me and this drunk man in his late 50's clearly hitting on an 18 year old...and then he starts to sing Dean Martin songs to a crowd of like 14 people. This all lasted about 30 minutes before I was like "we have to be at that meeting at 9" and so he paid the limo driver to take me back to the hotel. Yeah, he didn't get the job...but I did work with the company for about a year :-D

  4. I liked this film too, I didn't think I would but it was ridiculous and hilarious;y werid in parts. I really disliked Chris Pine though he irritated the hell out of me. I was hoping it was going to be a crazy as Smokin Aces and I really loved that film, it delivered. I particularly lied the ghost element, for some reason it just completed the full circle of a crazy unfortunate night. Great film.

    1. 'Hilariously weird' sums it up perfectly. I was kind of on the fence with Pine, but I loved how he fully embraced the f--ked up nature of Karos. Some scenes I hated him, but on the whole I thought it was the right kind of ridiculous. I, too, love me some Smokin' Aces. Carnahan is a nut.

      Thanks for the comment!

  5. Hold on.

    Hot Guy and a limo? Mother of God this is my ultimate porn fantasy as Logan taught us. I am definitely seeing this soon :)

    1. Soooo....it seems you....liked this movie? Did I understand the tweet barrage correctly? Well, however you felt, I sure need to see this f--ker again. I mean...all that Alba, how can you go wrong?

    2. Alba was just the worst in this. As was that chick who dumped him during sex. That would never happen

    3. I don't even remember Alba being good or bad....but, it doesn't matter. IT'S ALBA.

      Dumping Stretch mid-bang is pretty heartless. Maybe...he...uh...deserved it?

    4. Doubtful, the lady in Bone Tomahawk seemed delighted with what he had to offer... :D

    5. I'll have to go back and watch that scene 100 times to confirm. Maybe even that slo-motion bit in Watchmen, too.