Sunday, April 19, 2015

I know what you're thinking. And I approve.

College opens your eyes to a lot of experiences. You see and hear things there that would be wholly unacceptable anywhere else on the planet. And after four years of living on (and off) campus, many of these occurrences become strangely routine. For me, many of these moments happened in the same awful place: the bathroom. I recall that I often showered next to a guy who was doing what in my mind, could only be one of two things: masturbating vigorously...

...or turning into a werewolf.

Only as I write this, does the logical choice finally appear clear to me. It was probably both.


As I have no real werewolf stories, the above was the best I could do. And the other night, on Netflix, WolfCop, at seventy-something minutes, was also the best I could do. It's actually a decent little horror flick, with a few really inspired moments. But overall, I'll put my enthusiasm like this: if I was on the roof of a green delivery truck, my handstand would probably only last two seconds, versus say, thirty.

In the podunk hunting town of Woodhaven, an annual 'drink-and-shoot' takes place. This year, however, it seems the festivities are going to be cancelled as a douchey mayoral candidate is found murdered.

Enter Lou, town drunk/one-third of Woodhaven's ramshackle police force. Ol' Lou already looks like a werewolf (or at the very least, Wolverine's Canadian uncle), so it's not really a surprise to any of us when, after investigating 'damn partying teenagers' he actually becomes one. While Lou never found those pesky kids, someone found him. And after getting knocked out, Lou comes to as the honored guest in some sort of satanic ritual. Rough night, eh?



In the weirdest transformation scene ever, Lou turns into a werewolf mid-stream. Yes, while taking a leak at the local bar, Lou turns into a raging beast dick first. And from there, well, all bets are off. Lou quickly embraces his wolf powers and begins kicking ass and taking dames. Hot ones.

Writer/director Lowell Dean manages an effective enough horror/comedy despite not dialing up the crazy to a high enough level. Likely due to budgetary restraints, even the violence seems rather low-key. I understand you can only do so much, but for whatever reason, everything is played (amusingly at first) straight. Maybe even too straight. Hell, it's gotta be hard to follow up the graphic depiction of the were-dong, I get it. But outside of a kickass bit that has Wolfie souping up his squad car (not to mention some hot and hairy jailhouse love-making), nothing really moves the needle. Perhaps the consistent underplaying represents some fine Canadian sensibilities I'm unaware of, or perhaps I just wasn't really into all the lore. That shit was hard to love.

Speaking of hard to love, here are the Yays and Boos for WolfCop. These furry f--kers actually might be werewolves, too. But as none of us can keep our eyes open long enough to ever see the moon, we'll likely never find out.
Man, those are some huge ass mugs.
Yaaaaaaaaaay!

  • As far as first lines go, Oh, f--k me, might crack my top 100. 
  • Sara Lind, pictured to the left, plays Jess, the smoking hot bartender. If there's someone here from casting, please accept this hi-five.
  • Real or not, Boober sounds like a fairly interesting magazine, no? I mean, for the articles and such.
  • Willy, the town nutjob. Despite having a guy who turns into a werewolf, and a large breasted woman, Willy is easily my favorite character in this movie. To listen to.
  • Speaking of, Willy decides to record Lou's transformation. Turns out, he's not really much a cameraman (which is awesome).
  • Surveying a particularly gruesome crime scene, a female officer finds a face. And then wears it.
  • Later on, another face is torn off, but this time -wait for it - it's thrown. 
  • WolfCop rolls up on some young punks spray-painting public property. His response? He mutters My turn. And then, obviously, he pisses all over them.
  • I don't know how much 'about 1 million Canadian' is in actual money, but I'm pretty sure half of it was spent on that barn explosion. Wowzers.
  • And finally, not only was I thrilled to finally make it to the credits (rough week for ol' m. brown), but there's two tasty nuggets waiting for you in that seventy-fourth minute. 1) the promise of a sequel, naturally and 2) a badass title track. 
How upset can you be about your hand?
(When moments ago your balls went through the same thing)
Booooo!
  • Early on, before I was used to it, the incessant swooshy zoom was kind of pissing me off.
  • It's petty, sure, but if you're in a werewolf movie set post-Teen Wolf (the movie, kids, the f--king movie), well, not making a reference seems like a major party foul to me. I mean, you see a shark in the ocean, you mention Jaws. You have to. It's like, polite.
  • Okay, so three guys in pig masks rob a gas station. That's awesome. But, when Lou uses his wolf-scream to overpower them? That's anything but.
  • Wolff--ker is a term now? Well, after what I saw, I guess it has to be. Is that with one F or two?
  • And finally, as I touched on earlier, the lack of madness. As great as it is that pretty much everyone fully accepts a werewolf in a police uniform, I really wish some crazier shit would have happened. Or at least that people were even moderately freaked out by what actually did.

Fifteen years ago, WereCop might have been something my college roommates and I would have watched on a random Tuesday night (after Dawson'e Creek, ugh). And we could have probably finished it in one glorious seventy-nine minute stretch. But me? Now? It took me two nights and a lunch break at work to slay this monster.

But it's not all bad.

At least I don't have to wear shower sandals anymore.

10 comments:

  1. LOL what the actual fuck? I'm intrigued.Turning dick first? I HAVE to see that.

    I love you for watching and reviewing films like this.

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    1. I can go back into it and get the actual minute he turns. It might save you an hour.


      Thanks, Brittani. I love that you always comment on my dumb shit. It's THE BEST.

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  2. Aww man, you beat me to it. When I happened to scroll past this while browsing Netflix the other day I had to put it on my list. Now I have to actually watch it. Sounds like fun.

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    1. VICTORY! I didn't really think that anyone would watch this, but I forgot you're willing to roll up your sleeves and kick some D-movie ass. I mean, that's how they do in The FP.

      (this one isn't nearly as insane as that one...not even close)

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  3. I just...can't. Like...I often see these movies and think "who the fuck watches this shit?" and then I see it on my besties Netflix 'watch list' and I ask, "are you really going to watch that?" and he says "probably not" and so I think...'nobody will ever see that movie'...and then you review it.

    EVERY
    DAMN
    TIME

    :-D

    And, shouldn't everything be 'dick first'? Like, come on. Also, I like to think that the many hours I spent on Mt. Spankmore I was merely turning into a werewolf as well.

    Or both.

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    1. I'm nothing if not consistent. Nothing/

      Actually, there's a little more to it. I'm in no spot to review anything of any great length. Honestly, it takes a small miracle to complete even a 70 minute flick, let alone something having any real weight. I haven't seen a new movie...in like, forever. So I just hit up Netflix, flip through recently added, and watch the shortest thing on there. It's my way of staying current. Sad? Yes. But until summer, that's how I'll roll. (and there's the fact that I love ridiculous shit!)

      Speaking of dick-first....ol' Mt. Spankmore is a wonderful place. A safe haven for werewolves if there ever was one.

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  4. Oh man, you've found another gem again. Weirdly I'm actually familiar with some of this movie as some bizarre and lovely person I follow on tumblr had a bunch of gifs from that on their site :)

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    1. Yeah...it's definitely a find, but you're going to have to be in the mood for it to call it 'a gem'. I'm kind of happy to complete anything at this point, so that explains my warm and fuzzies toward it. Oh, and the whole dick-first transformation bit. That helped.

      I can only imagine the content of those gifs. Wowzers.

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  5. I'm not one for horror film - comedic or serious but this looks like drinking game material :)

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    1. It just might be. If you took a drink every time someone doesn't really seemed concerned that there's a werewolf standing in front of them, it's going to be a heck of a party.

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