Tuesday, May 19, 2015

This is what happens when you send girls to college.

I bought a ticket for the wrong movie...
Brought my wife along the way...
And I sure do wish we'd seen something else,
'Cause Mad Max was in theaters that day.

When I'm wrong...
When I'm wrong...
You're gonna know that I was wrong.
Even though I loved the first,
the plot was just the worst.
Oh, you're gonna know that I was wrong.

*clears throat*
I had a chance you guys, I did. But I totally blew it. The wife and I went to the movies last Saturday evening (that alone is cause for celebration because as parents, we've essentially become reverse vampires) and I steered us headlong into Pitch Perfect 2 instead of, well..."THE BEST ACTION MOVIE EVER!"

Under the terms of 'you decide - you know more about them' I dialed up angelic voices instead of flaming guitars, figuring the missus would prefer the former. A selfless act is there ever was one, right? Obviously. However, in full disclosure, as the chief owner and operator of a penis,  it's not like I dragged myself to something starring Anna Kendrick or anything. I mean...she's just...wow.

Which oddly enough, brings me to complaint #1 about Pitch Perfect #2. Forget that it's a less-amusing rehash of the first one, that's par for the course, but at least the original [review] dished up generous portions of Ms. Kendrick. Here? Crumbs. Tasty, tasty crumbs...

After an unfortunate vagina-related mishap, the Barden Bellas have hit rock bottom. In something reminiscent of a DTV Revenge of the Nerds sequel, the Bellas will not lose their title if they can - get this - win the World Championships of organized nerd singing. Cue the training montage!

Look, I wasn't expecting something super original from the second Pitch Perfect movie, but this one is about as formulaic as they come. A moderate obstacle will be presented, quickly overcome and Fat Amy will say something snarky mostly under her breath. After her, Tormented Immigrant Girl will say something about her horrible past, just before Quiet Asian Chick mutters something mostly inaudible. All the while, Anna Kendrick's Beca will be torn between the Bellas and her burgeoning dreams of working in the music industry.

To the film's credit, the music and performances are as crowd-pleasing as the first go-round, it's just that every time I laughed at Rebel Wilson's Fat Amy shtick (which admittedly, was often), part of my soul realized...that's not Charlize Theron up there.

Also not Charlize Theron are the Yays and Boos. Not blonde, not incredibly talented, and not currently dating Spicoli, these two have nothing in common with the statuesque ex-model. Well, outside of a brief hook up with the guy from Third Eye Blind, anyway.

  • Oh, Peg Bundy. Iiiiiiii, ya-yi, will always...love you.
  • KEY! Initially I was concerned, but dude carved out a nice character, playing Beca's boss at the studio.
  • Yes, it was in the preview, but the whole heated mess thing still made me laugh.
  • Many of Fat Amy's lines made me laugh out loud, but my personal favorite damn near killed me: Don't take this personally, but you're the dumbest person alive. Oh, and her Wiggles reference was f--king hysterical, too.
  • Not to mention her kayak-fueled serenade. My God that cracked me up.
  • The ropes course thing was kind of silly, but anytime someone can drop the term Asian Jesus, you have my undying allegiance.
  • Cups, or whatever the Hell it's called, makes another (somewhat?) welcome appearance.
  • That finish line move? That may have been the coolest thing I have ever seen.
  • And finally, in a ridiculous turn of events (as far as recent history has told us), this movie features yet another obligatory random scene with David Cross...and it's the best moment in the entire film. Honestly, so much awesome happens here, it might be worth it just for these five minutes alone. I've never cheered for the Green Bay Packers...but I did here.
I have that same shirt. Except mine has less muscles on it.
  • The new additions to the Bellas are kind of weak.
    • Immigrant Girl? It was funny the first thirty times.
    • And the pretty and talented Hailee Steinfeld? She might have a set a world-record for unfunny awkwardness. (narrowly besting this blog)
  • Speaking of awful records, we're reaching Michael Bay levels of product placement here. Okay, not really...but it's still too much.
  • That early pool party scene: 100% unnecessary. Nothing happens here. Nothing.
  • I don't know her name, but when I talk to other men about the original, she's known as the big-breasted one. Anyway, she's back. Barely.
  • The lovely Brittany Snow has to play the bitch role, sort of, and it's kind of a bummer.
  • Once again...not a single minute in a classroom. Not. One.
  • Other than Fat Amy's thing, all the romantic subplots are stupid or non-existent. Lame.
  • And finally, the running gag between Beca and the German team was painfully unfunny. I might have laughed once, but I was just trying to be polite. 
Hopefully my wife appreciates all the mental anguish I've been suffering through, as more and more people approach me with different versions of Mad Max was so good, right? Maybe she should sing to me this time, huh? 

I'll go get the cups.


  1. Haha, great review! :) I really liked this one, and I'm not (too) ashamed to admit it! That being said, there could've been more Kendrick. A lot more. In fact, just Kendrick. All the time. In every movie.

    1. Thank you!

      Feel free to like it, no shame in that.

      Ah, your Kendrick love is very appreciated around here. I laughed out loud reading that and my co-workers looked at me like I was crazy. F--kers.

  2. Oh man, Mad Max was just SO GOOD. Sorry. I think I enjoyed Pitch Perfect 2 more than you, but I do agree with all of your points. I don't think it's better than the original, but the ending was brilliant I thought :)
    - Allie

    1. Oh, just RUB IT IN. Ha.
      My sister texted me the same thing and it made what's left of my soul shrivel up and die.

      I didn't hate it...it just wasn't Mad Max.

      And the ending? Good God, I've already forgot what happened. The all-girl number with random celebrities?

  3. Oh my God cannot believe you went to see this one instead of MM:FR because of your wife! That is simultaneously romantic and sadomasochistic.

    1. Ha ha! Priceless comment. :-)

    2. Oh, excuse me ladies, but let me say...way more on the romantic side, than the sadomasochistic one. Nothing involving Kendrick could inflict pain and/or humiliation. NOTHING.

      The lack of Mad Max will be remedied shortly. Yep.

      I still like the idea that anyone, anywhere could even remotely consider anything I've done romantic. Those were the days.

  4. Great review! I was kind of "meh" on Pitch Perfect, but it was a lot better than I thought it would be. I probably won't see this, but when it comes on HBO I'm sure my husband will secretly watch it on demand while I'm at work like he did the first one.

    1. Your husband is clearly The F--king Man. I've stealth-watched some awesome shit when my wife's busy doing other stuff (read: sleeping). Mostly weird horror movies or D-level comedies, but occasionally, I'll go full chick-flick and cry like a little bitch...and be sooooo happy about it.

  5. Ha! I've actually made the decision to pay to see a Tyler Perry for precisely the reason you did for this one. Pretty sure you got the better bargain, unless you didn't get to...ya know...never mind.

    Haven't seen this one, or MM, yet. Have to be honest, though. I thought Kendrick was a weak link the first time, other than the cup thingy. Can't buy her as some sort of alt-chick and she just doesn't do it for me in THAT way. I'll see this at some point, just not in a rush.

    1. I'm not sure where you're going with that first bit...but I think I do. And I did. And it was insane. Um, I think.

      Whoa, whoa...whoa. There isn't a chain in this world that Kendrick would be the weak link of. Not a one. I could buy her as an 80 year old man, so alt-chick is an easy sell.

      Aren't you currently residing in a house full of ladies? No one was interested in this?

    2. Sure, they're interested, but Mother's Day weekend saw us take 2 trips to the theater and a trip to a restaurant where you didn't order off of a board behind the counter. We're also traveling for Memorial Day weekend, so, no, either Pitch Perfect 2 or MM just wasn't happening.

    3. Wait...such restaurants exist?

      Ha. I'm with you, Dell. 100%.

  6. Those Mad Max reviews are INSANE! Don't worry...I won't be seeing it until it hits DVD I'm quite sure, so we're in the same boat, my friend.

    Your review is, once again, hysterical. I was really afraid that this would be a boring rehash of the first...and dumb as dirt. Lightning doesn't strike the same place twice.

    Why is that dude in the leather skirt taking a shit on stage?

    1. DVD? Shit, man. We should go together. Let me gas up the Jeep...

      I initially didn't love the first one, but 30,000 times later, I find the movie pretty f--king funny. The second one is more of the same...just not as good. But maybe it's just me. I'm the asshole here.

      That dude is German, so he can shit wherever he likes. I mean...he's all about efficiency, so I'm going to allow it.

  7. I was wondering who the people were who went to see 'Pitch Perfect' instead of 'Fury Road.' I find few who admit to it though. You would have to knock me unconscious to get me into the theater showing 'Pitch Perfect 2.' I keep telling my husband that he's a lucky man! I hope you get to see 'Fury Road' soon. It's fantastic.

    1. I'm pretty much wearing the cone of shame after seeing PP2, but as I've mentioned, it was left in my hands and I tried to 'girl it up' for the benefit of my wife. Oh, and her thoughts on PP2? 'Eh, it was okay. Nothing special.'


  8. Saw this last night and, "Immigrant Girl? It was funny the first thirty times..." yeah, I mean, come on, we get it. They really rammed that bit into the ground, over and over. But I liked the film for what it was, you know? And yeah dude, that finish line move was awesome!

    1. I think it's a perfectly enjoyable summer sequel, though it probably played it too safe. They found a winning formula and damn near refused to deviate from it. I guess I don't blame them...but these characters may actually deserve more.

      Man, they seriously couldn't kill that joke fast enough. I would've taken way more of that bit about those two random chicks in the group, over ol' I.G. Yikes.

      If ever I'm thrust onto the dance floor with the fate of the world in the balance? That's my go-to. But until then...I'll keep that shit on the low. It's way too awesome for something ordinary, like a wedding or something. Way too awesome.