Monday, May 18, 2015

You rise, only to fall.

Not that I'd personally know anything about it, but there's an inherent problem with doing something great. You either have to do it again, or live with the fact that you've peaked and we've seen the best you have to offer. Oh, and even if you actually can sustain greatness, guess what? People will either resent you for it, or grow bored with your consistency. Bottom line, if you've done something we all love...'re totally f--ked. 

It's not that I didn't like Avengers: Age of Ultron, but about half way through it, I just didn't care anymore. At least, not as much as I wanted to. While it's only technically the second Avengers movie, these actors, playing these characters, have been onscreen for damn near a decade.

Remember how fresh and exciting Guardians of the Galaxy [review] felt last August? Yeah, so do I. And while I can vividly remember a dozen scenes from that flick, most of Ultron has already faded into a mish-mash of random bits from the Marvel Cinematic Universe (and it hasn't even been a week). Again, it doesn't mean it was a terrible movie, just...familiar (this coming from someone who sets up every single post the same f--king way - I get it).

Not that I need to tell you, but Ultron finds the Avengers, once again, kicking ass and taking names. This time, with even more slo-motion! After successfully destroying what's left of Hyrda, Tony Stark and Bruce Banner take a minute to contemplate the future of the Avengers. It's clear to them that, in so many words, they're getting too old for this shit, and secretly craft something that will be able to protect Earth from all future attacks. No, not dogs with bees with their mouths, so when they bark they shoot bees at you, but instead a sophisticated artificial intelligence system. Nothing could go wrong with that, right?

Turns out, they done f--ked up. And this thing they create decides the best way to protect Earth, is to eliminate every living thing on it. Ooh...about that. So, after some (more) infighting and lots more ass-kicking, the Avengers are going to have to once again save the day. Thankfully, they recruit two new members to do so, a rather sexy pair of genetically modified twins, Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch. These two, fresh off last summer's defeat of Massive Unidentified Terrestrial Organisms, inject new blood into Earth's Mightiest Heroes.

Speaking of a sexy pair with magical powers, here are the Yays and Boos. One, can create boredom instantly! with the greatest of ease. The other, is able to make even the most trivial thing seem moderately important! I'll let you decide who's who.

The things she could whisper into my ear.... Or pants.

  • That opening scene was the right kind of ridiculous! Lucky me, I got to see it twice...though the first time was with a broken projector (half the screen
  • Double-teaming bitches. No, not that, silly goose, but anytime that Cap and Thor combined forces certain parts of me started to tingle.
  • In Tony Stark's vision of the future, all his friends are dead, which is terrible, right? Well, it's not all bad. Black Widow totally dies boobs up.
  • As much as I like seeing the Avengers on the clock, dress-down/casual Friday Avengers are also pretty awesome. Put your hands together for not only War Machine's killer stories, but an extra thunderous slow clap for lifting Thor's mighty hammer!
  • Not only did the Hulkbuster look amazing, but the 900 consecutive punches it helped deliver to the Hulk's face were just short of the most incredible thing I ever scene in the history of time.
  • Even though I love Cap (and Evans might as well have his dick in his hand while he delivers each line he's so confident), there was a scene where he gets punched in the face that almost killed me.
  • James Spader can do loveable jerkface in a f--king coma, but that doesn't detract from how deliciously slimy his Ultron ultimately is. He's such a giant, metal dick, I love it. 
  • Two words: Stellan. Skarsgard. Two more words: FullyClothed
  • Even though I hated all the we have to save the PEOPLE!, it was pretty awesome that the one random 'mom' that we cared about had giant boobs. Equal parts pathetic and awesome, that.
  • Slooooooooow mooooooootion. Damn, I couldn't get enough of it. When they were protecting the core, I almost shit my pants out of sheer delight. But then I was afforded the opportunity to see Black Widow kicking ass with a pistol, and (happy) crisis averted.
  • And finally, Elizabeth Olsen as the Scarlet Witch. Sure, I could probably watch Olsen thumb through the latest Avengers comicbook for two-plus hours and be as equally enthralled, but I honestly enjoyed her turn as the newest (and sexiest) Avenger. 
Vibranium. It's not just what you get your wife for Valentine's Day.
  • Beautiful Minds. I love Stark and Banner, but that montage was embarrassing.  WorKING! BuilDING! ThinKING! COFFEE! 
  • Ultron's alive thirty seconds and he's already killed my favorite Avenger? What the shit, man? Ease in to your murderous ways...dick.
  • A little heavy on the Hawkeye, no? I actually like Renner more this time, but...he's kind of the worst Avenger. By a mile.
  • Hey, sorry Captain America and Tony Stark - hate to be a bother, but could you look at my tractor? Apparently my husband doesn't have any access to any aspect of anything S.H.I.E.L.D has ever done.
  • I love Thor, like, more than a friend. But, what was with that electric jacuzzi? Hmm.
  • Hate to say it, but um,'s just, you know...uhh...her accent. Kind, inconsistent. A little bit. Barely. I still love you.
  • Hey, Anthony Mackie! Good to see you. Hey, bud, do you have a minute? Like, an actual minute? It would totally be great if you could be in the second Avengers flick. Thanks.
  • Black Widow, getting screwed every which way (but not in the way she would like to) One, despite what is likely an unlimited operating budget, and oh, I don't know, the entire Iron Legion likely nearby, she's relegated to tending bar at the after-hours party. Bullshit. Two, she's again drawn the short straw, and also is assigned to gently touching the Hulk (who, presumably, could kill her with one punch). At least she has that badass gun, in case he freaks out or something. But the ultimate screw-job? In her vast Russian training, they destroyed her lady parts! Guys, what the f--k is this?
  • And finally, is it just me, or does anyone else hate the fact that when the fate of the entire f--king planet hangs in the balance, the world's mightiest superheroes are essentially helping old ladies get onto the bus? Look, I get it. We gotta protect those who can't protect themselves, sure, but for about 90% of that crazy flying-city finale, I was on the verge of shouting F--K THESE STUPID PEOPLE! Out of context, I don't think my fellow patrons would have appreciated those words. 

I will never call Joss Whedon's second Avengers flick terribleawful, or a resounding failure. I simply don't think it was as good as the first one (and likely never could be anyway). Following up on established success is, as I've mentioned, essentially a lose-lose situation. Though, between you and me, I've totally found a loophole (and I've been milking it for four years).

Never, under any circumstances, do something that people enjoy.


  1. The movie wasn't terrible, but I didn't like it as much either (preferred the first movie by a mile). Last year's Marvel movie was awesome that I guess I was vaguely expecting something to that height. A big problem of mine for this was how they treated Black Widow. She's so awesome and yet all she does is that.

    1. I'm totally with you. The bar is way too high at this point, so it's basically impossible to be blown away anymore. Maybe if a major character had died or something, but as it stood, I was just okay with the whole thing. It sounds stupid...but I expected more.

  2. Yeah I have the same feelings here - what the fuck with BW treatment, that was utterly pathetic. Also the film is so forgettable my review is only 12 paragraphs and I cannot even find the energy to add the finishing touches and publish it. I think we are getting to the point where it's just too many of the same characters over and over again, hence Guardians being so refreshing

    1. BW gets the shaft, certainly, just not the one she wanted.

      Honestly, the MCU is so impossibly convoluted, even the 'good' entries feel a bit stunted at this point. I don't see how after being in the Avengers, how it could possibly make sense that they fight some other battle on their own (ie, The Winter Soldier). Even if it makes gotta let a lot of shit go.

      A heavy dose of Pratt fixes everything, right?

  3. That's kind of where I was. I liked it, but I was stopped from loving it because of how they treated Black Widow and what they did with Quicksilver (seriously, da fuq?) I was looking forward to the Twins the most and I felt cheated at the end.

    But I do like how Ultron spent about 3 minutes on the internet and decided he needed to end humanity.

    1. I'm with you on the Twins. Really? That's what we're going to do there? Perhaps Agent Coulson could've died again? What the shit, Marvel?

      That last point almost made me piss my pants. Three minutes is probably two too many...

  4. Oh shit...I going to hate this.

    1. With your girl ScarJo getting ample face-time, I think 'hate' is probably putting it too strongly. hated Forrest Gump, so I suppose anything is possible.

  5. I'll probably see this when it comes to DVD, and my husband will probably buy it, but I'm not in a hurry. He may be in a rush to get his hands on it through, especially if he sees your references to boobs. He'll need something to sustain his need for onscreen breasts once we've caught up on Game of Thrones.

    1. Other than the spectacle-ness of it all, waiting for DVD seems like a good call.

      No, no. Anything I mentioned about breasts is just the ramblings of a lonely jerk. The one victim we were told to care about, just so happened to be wearing a low-cut shirt. Coincidence...I'm positive.

      Game of Thrones. One will be mine.

    2. Seriously? You haven't watched any Game of Thrones yet? It's like the dark, pornographic side of Lord of the Rings. You've got to watch it.

  6. Yes, I liked Age of Ultron. No, I didn't like it as much as the first Avengers. The Cap/Thor combo was serious. I about lost it the first time Cap threw his shield and Thor batted it like a fastball over the heart of the plate. So true, funny, but true about Anthony Mackie's role in this. Good stuff.

    1. I think we can all agree that it was damn near impossible to top the first one. Not only was it the first time we had seen them all together, but it was further back in the universe, too. Overexposure can bea real bitch.

      The tag-team action turned me into the nine year-old version of myself. So good.

      Poor Mackie. I dig that guy, but his screen time was absurd. I guess it was more than Elba, though, that guy couldn't care less.

  7. Hahahah @ "giant, metal dick". I definitely enjoyed this more than you. Sure it didn't reach the heights of the first but there was plenty of good action and cool shit to keep me entertained.

  8. That's all fair, Jess. Every word.

    Yeah it doesn't top the first one, but few sequels ever do. I guess I just thought that this one might be one of those rare occurrences...but that's on me.

    Though, honestly, I'm kind of bored with a lot of these characters. But not enough to abandon ship, you know? I'll stay aboard...bitching endlessly/