Friday, June 12, 2015

I could use the distraction, actually.

I'd say my personal number is probably around a dozen. I can't even remember most of them, other than the one in Pennsylvania where my principal was screaming like a lunatic, RUN! Get outside, NOW! 

Back home, supposedly there was an epic one about six or seven years ago. The only details I know about it have something to with the fridge ending up on the other side of the kitchen, actual cracks in the house, and a sordid tale of my father darting through the house stark naked after the shower doors (made entirely of inch-thick glass) caved in, and shattered all around him.

But, typically? In my experience, the whole event usually can be summed up with one question:

Hey, did you feel that?

I'll tell you right now, I felt every single (utterly f--king ridiculous) minute of San Andreas. All one hundred and fourteen of them. And while each was more laughably absurd than the one prior, I'll tell you something else that's hard to believe:

I f--king loved it.

Director Brad Peyton clearly has done/copied his homework, as every single disaster-movie cliche has been cranked to eleven. Estranged family? Check. Lone Scientist who knows what's going to happen!? Check! Main Character Whose Job Experience Will Prove Invaluable? Check, check bitches. Child in Peril (but who has learned a lot from his/her dad). Uh, 10-4, good buddy. Oh, what about Last Minute Saves? Shit...those are buy one, get one!

Clearly you have seen this movie before, but with The Rock and Paul Giamatti holding it down, and Carla Gugino and Alexandra Daddario keeping it up, it's still a Hell of a ride. And outside of a couple of those lame scenes where people do that annoying thing that only happens in movies, you know, thoughtful conversation on motionless ground - San Andreas simply refuses to let up. Basically it's like going to the Chinese Buffet. Sure this shit ain't good for you...but look how much you get!!

I really don't even want to bother with the plot, but indulge me as I break down the opening scene. This is important, as this recipe will be repeated somewhere in the neighborhood of 900 f--king times.

Voice of The Rock: Natalie. Nice boobs. Stay calm.
We're gonna rescue them, er, you. 
  • An attractive, large-breasted woman is driving her car while listening to Taylor Swift. 
    • m.brown thinks this is good. San Andreas? You're okay!
  • She reaches for her water bottle, not looking at the road, and we can see an oncoming car. She narrowly avoids a head on collision. Phew.
    • m.brown was nervous. Nice work, San Andreas. You almost got me there.
  • She then reaches for her phone, again - not looking at the road, and again, she almost veers into yet another oncoming car. Yikes. That one was even closer. 
    • m.brown is being f--ked with. You go straight to Hell, San Andreas. Not cool.
    • m.brown is laying on his stomach, head propped in his hands, legs kicking the air behind him. So, San Andreas, are you like, going to prom with anyone?
Ahem, so um, that's what kind of party this is. Sexy people in dire circumstances, only to be bailed out by other sexy people. And when everyone catches their sexy breath? More dire circumstances!

Speaking of things that could kill you, here are the Yays and Boos. I realize that this is entirely overkill at this point, but in the same vain as San Andreas, I'm just going to keep coming at you with stupidity until you either give up or give in (and love me).

I have the same look on my face.
  • Let me just get this out of the way now: Carla Gugino and Alexandra Daddario are the hottest mother/daughter combo in cinematic history. Come at me bitches! I dare you.
  • You know what really relieves high tension? The fact that every female character is wearing a low cut shirt.
  • JARGON! Apparently it's helicopter pilot-speak for do something f--king stupid, but I will know refer to just about anything I do from here on out as tipping the hat. It's kind of how I roll.
  • God, I love when things are getting intense and we get a screen full of gauges. I can't read them for the life of me, but man when you show me them with a shaky-cam? Compelling stuff.
  • Paul Giamatti, whom I adore, plays Professor Earthquake. I love every minute he's onscreen. Even the one where he describes, in detail, what exactly the San Andreas Fault is, to a room full of seismology students at Cal-Poly.
  • Alexandra Daddario's opening scene is a brief conversation with her dad. She just so happens to be sitting poolside. In a very tiny bikini. 
  • Oh, and can I say, I'm not really a big science guy...but clearly, giant chests are genetic. I mean, if your mom has big boobs, and your dad has (even bigger) boobs...well, I guess it only make sense, right?
  • Random People. If you are a passerby, well, you're f--ked. Flaming Chef was my favorite, but special love to Fountain Lady and Guy Who Falls Through a Wall.
  • I use to think that the whole outrunning the cold from The Day After Tomorrow was the height of disaster-movie absurdity, but we get to a point where they are, for over a minute, dodging falling buildings. Not bullets, not even horses, they are dodging f--king BUILDINGS.
  • There is so much kick-ass destruction in this movie, I don't even know where to begin. And that's before we even get to the giant tsunami, not to mention the implied destruction of the Tanner residence.
  • Daddario has to remove this giant glass shard from some dude/her boyfriend's leg. It is excruciating to watch, but I'm not sure it actually hurt, as clearly all bloodflow was transported to other regions of that dude's body.
  • You know how there's always that one guy, Douche McDoucher? Well, here he's extra douchey. But, and you know it's coming, his comeuppance is fantastic.
  • And finally, even though I could keep going (I've got pages of these), let me just end by saying that I really appreciate how good this bad movie is. Honestly. 
C'mon, Big Fella.
Eyes up here.
  • Holy crap, that backstory thing about their other daughter? No. I refuse.
  • Speaking of outright denial...this was my first time seeing the new Point Break preview. Um, f--k this?
  • Oh and while we're off topic, apparently no sound was totally okay with the other four a-holes in the theater with me. No, no, guys. I'll go tell them. I'd hate for you to stop devouring fist fulls of popcorn even for just one second.
  • Deep breath. Anyway, the little nuances of the story are impossibly stupid. The evil step dad? Do you know what he does? He builds skyscrapers. Yes, in an earthquake movie, that's someone's job.
  • Science. Pauly G actually says this out loud: They'll feel this earthquake on the East Coast. I almost peed my pants.
  • Hope you like rich white people. Because...well, they are the only people that exist in California.
  • Dude, The Rock is probably the worst hero ever. No, really. He is a trained helicopter rescue pilot and he has absolutely ZERO interest in saving anyone that isn't currently related to him. He even bails on some stranded old people. Old people!
  • I thought there was something wrong with me the entire time I was watching this movie. Turns out, I was given child-sized 3D glasses. What the Hell, Ticket Lady? I'm all man.
  • We have a world-record for ill-timed chit-chat. Maybe we save the getting to know you when the entire state of California isn't doing a f--king backflip.
  • We might also have a record for loving kisses (during or) after world-ending destruction. I was going to kiss the guy next to me, if, you know, I wasn't there alone. *sob*
  • It was a good thing that they stole the world's fastest piece of shit boat. Just saying...
  • And finally, AMERICA. I don't know what exactly they were thinking, but in the last two minutes, this film suddenly becomes an ode to fallen heroes and the endless depths of American Resolve. Hey, save that shit for the serious movies, okay? Like Transformers 3.
This post actually reminds me of a earthquake. It seemed a lot longer than I would have preferred, too. But now that we're at the end, there's only one thing left to say, really.

Thank God that's over.


  1. Paul Giamatti as Professor Earthquake - now THAT is a Marvel Phase 3 movie I want to see. Great write-up mate. Was I the only wondering why Daddario looked NOTHING like either The Rock or the other woman (whatever her name was)? I mean, c'mon - she's so pale she's almost Irish, and the other two are really tan. Anyway, I really loved this movie also - it's a lot of fun.

    1. Oh, man. Professor Earthquake would destroy the box office. Probably open with like, 80 to 100...dollars. But 9 of those would be mine.

      It's funny, I never even once considered Daddario not looking like either of her parents, but I'm with you. I was too lost in all the explosions, jiggling, and of course, explosion-related-jiggling.

      Such a fun movie, though. Truly.

  2. Yup, sounds exactly like what I thought it was going to be - 2012 II. Not having seen it, I'd say you might be right on the mother/daughter combo of Carla Gugino and Alexandra Daddario. And women in low cut shirts actually increases some regions.

    1. I don't really recall loving 2012 that fact, all I can remember is that it was insanely long and that I may have hated the shit out of it.

      And yes, tension ran rampant in the theater that day. I'm sure of it.

  3. Your breakdown of the opening scene is making my stomach hurt from the laughter! I want to go to the movies with you so badly. I have a feeling we'd have fun (and by fun I obviously mean 'get drunk and laugh at shit).

    I keep hearing that this movie is the best dumb as dirt movie you can see right now, and so I'm totally in...but I'll probably never see it unfortunately.

    I've never really felt many earthquakes myself, although we have them all the time over here in Tejas (that's Texican for Texas). When we lived in Florida we were in a terrible hurricane that ripped the roof off my sister's house though...that was a nightmare.

    1. Dude...the opening scene is so perfectly awful, I was smiling from ear-to-ear. You mean I get two more hours of this? I'm telling's just sooooo good (at being terrible).

      C'mon, man. You could sneak out. I know you could.

      You know I grew up in Texas, right? I died inside at your explanation of Tejas. Every time I drop that people look at me like I'm an asshole. Well, a bigger one.

      Good GOD, man. Debbie Downer over here!

  4. So it's 3D and Daddario didn't show her tits? You should ask for a refund!

    1. Trust me, had what you mentioned actually occurred, MY ovaries would have exploded.
      (and for a PG-13 flick, she does all she can - which I support whole-heartedly)