Thursday, June 4, 2015

Smart people do dumb things.

As a kid we actually had one, but he was an oddly effeminate character, prone to sporting Nintendo-related T-shirts and delving into unrequested monologues about Japanese trinkets. And when he got older, he essentially turned into a carbon-copy of Harry Potter (it was remarkable how much he looked like Radcliffe) and, um, confirmed his love for Ron, rather than Hermione. This kid couldn't break up a Kit-Kat, let alone a marriage. Well, unless we're talking about a White Bird in a Blizzard [review] type situation, then I guess it might have been possible.

The Boy Next Door is an awful film, but almost charmingly so. Yet another entry in to the sexy neighbor ruins everything genre, I picked this one up hoping for the best. And by best, clearly I mean f--king worst.

Jennifer Lopez stars as Claire, the recently-divorced, sexy single mom, who despite living on one income, parks her big ass in an even bigger house. Her husband has recently cheated on her at the corner of happy and healthy, and is slowly trying to regain the trust of his wife and all of her ridiculous hairstyles. Oh, and their son Kevin, too, needs his dad back, as ol' Kev is perhaps the biggest pussy in his high school.

Enter Ryan Guzman as Noah, the handsome twenty five year-old high school senior who's moving in next door to take care of his uncle, The Guy Who Hates Those Damn Meddling Kids in every episode of Scooby-Doo ever. Noah is a real charmer, as not only can he fix your garage door, quote Greek literature, but he also has rock hard abs and the squarest of jaws. Oh, and he's quite the bad ass motherf--ker, too.


As it goes in these films, Noah and Claire hook up. For her, it was a moment of weakness, the night after trying on her hooker shoes while watching Noah do things in the nude from her room. Yeah, it turns out after a buying a 4,000 sq. foot home for her family of two-ish, Claire's blinds/curtains budget was fully depleted. Noah's too, actually. And while Claire thinks that it was a fun little accident, Noah loses his shit and vows that their love is like, totally strong, bro. 

Did I mention that Claire is an English teacher? And that essentially hours after sexy-time, Noah is enrolled in her class? I didn't? Bummer. I totally should. But what I will tell you, is that while perhaps the first ten minutes of this film somewhat occur in reality, eventually it slides into The Land of Awful, where Noah can pursue his murderous quest for Claire unencumbered by police, bullets or even a moderately functional script. It's bad, friends. Really really bad.

Speaking of dual awful, here are the Yays and Boos. For a film like this, they are essentially one and the same, but for the sake of fairness, I'll go ahead and arbitrarily divvy them up. Ready? Me neither.

Personally, I'd turn around if I was going to fart out the window.

  • Noah shows up pushing his Uncle in a wheelchair. My wife was furious that neither house had a wheelchair ramp, yet we were supposed to buy that he could get around. Being a fan of the absurd, you don't know happy this conversation made me.
  • Awful foreshadowing, GO! First, there's a storm off in the distance during Noah and Claire's dinner date. Hmm, what could that mean? Second, and perhaps my favorite terrible line ever...Noah in his date-rapist drawl, casually mentions, I've been eating here every night. Gross.
  • What I love the most about Psycho Guys? These f--kers love to punch a wall. Love to. Old lady won't love me? F--k you, Wall. F--k you to Hell.
  • This is probably a Boo, but I'm pretty sure Kevin (Claire's wussy son) is allergic to boxing. No, wait. That's totally a Yay.
  • Whomever was in charge of make-up needs a standing ovation. J.Lo was covered in Cover Girl, you know, because she's worth it.
  • I'm pretty sure, at one point, Noah had to read away his massive J.Lo induced boner. 
  • School bullies. Sure, it makes no f--king sense that three skater punks would endlessly harass the son of a school employee, or that one of said punks would look like a retarded Ed Sheeran, but it made all the sense in the world that Noah would totally beat the shit out of them. This scene is MAGIC.
  • As was the vicious dry-humping that Noah would eventually give Claire in the boy's bathroom.
  • No bullshit, there is an impressive level of violence at the end. Not to mention an impressive level of 'naked J.Lo' in the beginning.
  • And finally, the moment where I knew I was in love with (hating) this movie. Noah jacks the shit out of the school's Vice Principal (played by a horribly miscast Kristin Chenoweth) and after leering over her for a beat, does what I assume he simply has to do. Like the pimp that he is, he cooly and calmly, cracks his f--king neck! How could anyone in the history of time approve this? 
I had a friend who would volunteer to help my mom in the kitchen.
Apparently, I now have to find him.

And kill his face.
  • I hope you like things being explained to you. By that I mean there's going to be a lot of expository dialogue. You know, where the characters tell us what we need to know about the story, instead of just speaking like actual people. Because in bad movies, they tend to overexplain...okay I'll just stop now.
  • Chenoweth says pussy twice in the first twenty words she says. What the shit is this?
  • When J. Lo's character is angry, I'm pretty sure the paying audience should be, too.
  • The most beautiful girl in school works in a hardware store? I half expected Christian Grey to land his helicopter out front and buy some more f--king rope. To hang myself with.
  • J. Lo's o-face is terrifying. No, I'm not kidding. She makes that girl in the closet from The Ring look totally sexy.
  • Noah: I love your mother's cookies. M.Brown: I hate everything in this world.
  • Claire, that bitch, has nine students in her class. Oh, Hollywood.
  • Why does the principal sound like Batman? Wait, I know this one: because he's an asshole.
  • Claire and her VP are talking about the sex-tape that Noah made of them. VP: It won't see the light of day. She's talking about the wrong movie.
  • Claire needs some answers about Noah's murky past. Good thing the police department saves every burnt car ever.
  • And finally, as the credits roll, we are shown an entirely indecipherable recap of the entire movie in two minutes. Wait, wait, wait. Now you show me this? Couldn't we have started here?
You know, as I typed up this monstrosity, I found myself thinking about all the boys next door in my lifetime. And really, the aforementioned Harry Potter-kid was the only one that qualified. But then it occurred to me. That kid? That kid had a mom. And me? I totally lived next door to her. Damn it. I totally blew-

Wait. Nevermind.

I wasn't a boy.

I was all man.


  1. That kid was supposed to be in high school? Oh my God, I hate that. I hate when people my age play high schoolers. It's one of my biggest pet peeves.

    "sexy neighbor ruins everything" should be a category you can search on Netflix. lol

    1. I hate that, too. But I think the other kid was actually a real high schooler and he came across like an eleven year-old. Maybe it was his character's undisclosed vagina that may have been the culprit.

      I'll send the e-mail immediately. I also want: CONTAINS IRRITATING KID, so I can avoid that shit like the plague.

  2. OMG! I have a feeling this review is more entertaining than the film, and yet everything you say is in this film sounds so damn entertaining. I might have to rent this just to snicker at the lack of wheelchair ramps and a kid having some sort of allergic reaction to watching a boxing match (or something like that).

    LOL...kill his face!

    I was always the one who volunteered to help in the kitchen, but that's just because I'm nice. My friend's moms were not good looking.

    1. Ha! I hope that this review is more entertaining than the film, because the film, as my college roommate used to say, blows dogs for quarters. Anyway, there is a high snickering factor, so feel free to dive in, if that's what you're looking for. You wouldn't be the first guy...

      Dude. Really? You volunteered? What an asshole. Sure, you actually anything but, but as someone representing the quiet guys that just sat there, that's definitely what we were thinking. Hot moms or not.

  3. Laughed my ass off on the 50 Shades reference. And I haven't even seen that movie, yet. This one sounds like a trainwreck. You've convinced me to see it, though. After all, you said naked J-Lo. I'm up for that any day, terrifying o-face and all.

    1. Yesss. Christian Grey strikes again.

      Dell. Serious time. I'm not entirely convinced that the nudity (and it's not exactly um, graphic) belongs to Mrs. Lopez in reality. I don't recall the scene specifically (well, there was one move I remember quite vividly), but I remember way J.Lo would do that on film. No way.

      But...that said. GO FOR IT.

  4. "She makes that girl in the closet from The Ring look totally sexy."

    Holy shit, that is the funniest thing I've ever heard. So what you're saying is... this is one worth watching?

    1. I think I may have slightly exaggerated the peril of seeing Ms. Lopez face contort from sexual pleasure, but I couldn't resist. And my all-time worst movie face memory is that of that chick in the closet. Yikes. Oh, and the accompanying sound? Just horrendous.

      Look, after some of the comments, I feel like I should get a job selling used cars. This movie is a disaster, start to finish.

      (but, yeah, it's still a good time)

  5. Oh God ... this is review is freaking hilarious. It's awesome, even by your standards. You'd be flattered ... or slightly disturbed ... if you knew how often I quoted snippets from your reviews to hapless family members.

    This is another movie to add to my list once I replenish the wine in the house. Because I'm not sure I can watch this -- or Zombeavers -- when I'm 100% sober.

    1. Wow...if you ever have actually quoted one of these insane posts, let me say that my life is officially complete. Seriously. (ha ha...'hapless')

      Dear God, watching this and Zombeavers sounds like an interrogation tactic. Talk, dammit. Or we'll now put on the even more ridiculous one!.

    2. I'm not sure whether your life is complete because I feel compelled to share hilarious snippets from your reviews or because I used the word "hapless." :-P

    3. A little of both, actually.

      Sharing snippets is ridiculous, in a good way. And even though it's not exactly the correct definition, I always imagine hapless, er, being unknowing/unprepared. i just imagine these people being blindsided by some stupid quote from this site. (this makes sense in MY head, by the way)

    4. It makes sense in my head, too. Great minds. :-P

  6. "The most beautiful girl in school works in a hardware store? I half expected Christian Grey to land his helicopter out front and buy some more f--king rope. To hang myself with." - so funny! :D

    I actually watched this one in the cinema! Yeah...girls night. But at least we weren't completely sober. I laughed so fucking hard when J.Lo was hiding all those photos that were printing...TAKE THE CABLE OUT OF THE PRINTER

    I was shocked at the eye bit near the end. That was hardcore. At least for this movie it was.

    1. Holy shit, I can't believe you saw this one theatrically. That's impressive. (I say that surprisingly free of sarcasm).

      I didn't know what to do with that printer scene. It was so hysterical, but also just so absurd at the same time. Actually, there was plenty of that to go around, come to think of it.

      Oh, the eye thing? My wife shat herself. Totally.