Monday, June 29, 2015

To be no good at something bad, is good.

I don't want to use the word vacation, but I spent the last week traveling with my family. Most of the time, it was just me and my son (in the car), a young man on the brink of turning six. And in our travels, there was one thing that he did just about every single minute we were together: he asked a question.

While perhaps a bit behind other kids his age in this regard, my son is still working on mastering the urinal. He gets entirely too close to it, he's willing to look everywhere except straight ahead, and possibly the worst offense...he pulls his pants down, like, all the way. While this baffled me, the only thing puzzling him was the urinal cake/gum-catcher thing at the bottom.

Dad, what is this?
Why is it here?
Do we have to pee on it?

It's somewhat surprising that each of those questions totally apply to the one film I managed to (mostly) watch during our family trip, last year's Seventh Son. Unfortunately, like a lot of my son's questions, I can't exactly knock any of them out of the park, but two out of three ain't bad.

What is this? Well, it's a fantasy tale (based on a novel) about a young man named Tom, the not-too shocking seventh son of a seventh son. Tom is selected to be the final apprentice for Master Gregory, an old curmudgeon whose job it is to rid the world of dark forces. Tom will initially suck, Gregory will initially be a dick, but by the end, dicks are not sucked, and instead asses are kicked. Makes sense? Doesn't matter.

Why is it here? Not sure. Maybe in the mid-80's this movie would have been a sure-thing, and then we could have had Slurpees at the arcade afterward. But in the, um, teens? It's anything but.

And finally, Do we have to pee on it? Judging be it's current 12% on Rotten Tomatoes, yes. Yes we do.

But as I might tell my tell my son at the urinal, whoa, whoa, whoa...not so fast. 

I figured it would be easier to cage him and make him talk than two watch
five seasons in a weekend. So, Game of Thrones? It's a show?
Yes, I too, can't believe that Seventh Son actually exists, and somehow stars Jeff Bridges as a badass night and Julianne f--king Moore (of all people) as a she-dragon, and lost a reported 85 million dollars, but by the end of it, I certainly wasn't upset that I'd seen it. Hell, I actually kind of liked it (even if just a little bit). I even redboxed it in two states to make sure I saw the end of it.

And while it would be much easier to simply piss all over director Sergey Bodrov's flick, for whatever reason (likely because that sitting and watching this film meant I wasn't driving a car), I'm not going to. It's not great, but it certainly doesn't deserve worst thing ever status. Save that for the Yays and Boos. Speaking of...

Detective: (holding Shrek doll) Tell us where your teacher touched you.
Tom? Tom! It's okay. Just point to the doll, okay? Can you do that, Tom?
  • He really ties the room together. Yes, friends, The Dude is in this (playing Gregory), and between you and me, I kind of loved him. Sure, he shocks all of us and plays an (initially) uninterested drunk, but I thought he kicked ass. And, and I totally dug his voice.
  • Lebowski Fest totally happened, as Julianne Moore shows up and manages to not feel as out of place as she should. Oh, and she's got a nice tail, you know?
  • I don't even know who (or what) Tusk is, but he's pretty f--king badass. Oh, and bonus points are awarded because he communicates like Chewbacca and looks like Ben Stiller (or a medieval Mr. Peepers). 
  • None of the dialogue is too inspired, but I couldn't help but smile when Gregory casually drops the line, f--king witches. And yes, you kinda had to be there...
  • As a lover of all things ridiculous, can I tell you, this movie sets a record for the longest conversation ever where one person is desperately leaning forward for a kiss. I think we hit a full minute!
  • I'm not even sure why, but there's a point where Gregory and Tom have to kill a giant bear. F--king awesome, right? I mean, a bear is cool enough. But a giant one? If the boner police are here, I want a lawyer.
  • Speaking of giant, raging...things, there was an extended scene where some massive creature is trying to kill Tom. Luckily, Tom is thrown over a humongous waterfall and the creature is left at the top, pacing back and forth Darth Maul-style. I was fangirling all over myself, wishing it would jump down and continue the hunt. And you know what? It did.
  • Yo, half-witch. Your mom is full-hot. I was going to type something about riding my broomstick but clearly I'm better than that. Clearly.
  • Tom is prone to visions of the future and after an extended one, we come to find out that someone has been hanging on for dear life for the entire duration of Tom's vision, if not much, much longer.
  • In the relatively badass final battle, Gregory is thrown fifty yards. Into a wall!
  • And finally, I realize that none of you out there have seen this or will ever see this, but I generally appreciate not hating something that everyone else despises. Maybe I'm just an idiot, or am subconsciously making a misguided stand, but I'm telling you...this movie isn't that bad.  Movies are like people: they shouldn't be written off because of the words of someone else. Find out you hate something...for yourself.
I don't know what it is...but this is totally working for me.
  • Maybe it's my computer, but I watched this one on DVD, and good God, it looked atrocious. Someone rent the blu ray and get back to me!
  • Tom rescues a pretty hot witch from being burned at the stake. And by that, I mean takes her to an alley nine feet away from the angry mob and releases her.
  • Djimon Hounsou! I'm not booing him, no, but I am booing his agent. How does this guy f--king own in Amistad only to basically never be heard from again? This is some kind of bullshit.
  • Ogre scrotum. What could possibly be the medicinal value of such an awful substance? Yikes.
  • I love my main man Tusk, but dude, your Yeti-like snoring led to some major cockblockage. Yeah, laugh it up, fuzzball, but next time you're dead.
  • Oh, speaking of, some of Tom's visions, you know, the ones where everyone in the world is dead? Yeah, those kind of turn noon into six on the ol' sundial, you know?
  • According to this movie, you'll see a blue spark when you fall in love with a witch. Hmm. I must have missed that when I met my wife. Kidding, kidding. C'mon. I totally saw it.
  • We get one of those scenes where all Hell is descending upon some unsuspecting town, right? Well, as the dark forces are racing through the countryside, 99.999% of life was we know it blissfully going about their day. BUT NOT THAT ONE DOG! Nope, that f--ker knows it's coming.
  • And finally, the ending. We get one of those Spiderman endings, where the hero realizes that he can't be with his ladyfriend, because, you know, it's too dangerous. I hate that shit. But worse, is the fact that someone says We'll meet again in the closing moments of a movie that lost nearly a hundred million dollars. Oh, you'll meet again alright. In Hell. (meaning, Direct to Video,
Yesterday, as I was reading my son a bedtime story, he asked me yet another question: Dad, what are you always writing in that book you have? I told him it was my notes for my website. You have a website? Yes. What's it about?  Movies. Do people read it? 

Do they?

Yes. Sometimes they do.

Does Mom?


  1. My kid asks a million questions a day as well. When he was a baby, one of the sets of words he put together is "why not?"

    I had the same reaction to you when I saw previews for this. Why are the actors in this? I'm not to beat up about missing it. Great review!

    and lol about saving the witch and taking her 9 feet away.

    1. Oh, man...why not is the worst. I can only imagine how many times a day a little guy could put those two together. I'd probably just throw my hands up, turn into a demon, and yell BECAUSE!

      I only saw a handful of trailers but I remember every single time thinking what the Hell is this?. But, months, it was okay. Not must-see or anything, but not horrible. Or at least, not super horrible.

      That escape scene? Witch, please.

  2. LOL, you're stories are always the best. I keep forgetting this movie is a real thing.

    1. By best, clearly you mean 'f--king pointless' and I fully agree with that.

      It's totally a real thing. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that it actually exists. Proabbly just like Moore and Bridges are doing, too.

  3. Oh man, you liked this one? I haven't seen it but I feel so bad for Bridges, the Dude deserves to be in better movies. What was that other one he did recently? Something about ghost cops? Yikes.

    1. I did! But not, like, to the point where I'm ever gonna watch it again, or make a pillow case out of Jeff Bridges' beard shavings...but it really want AWFUL. At least, not as bad as the preview looked.

      But to your point, yes, the Dude deserves better. And yes, I watched the ghost cop movie, too. And yes, Yikes. F--king yikes, if that's something people say.

  4. I barely remember this coming out and have no desire to see it. I might if I just get a hankering to see Julianne Moore, or ogre scrotum, so there's always a chance.

    1. Sometimes, you know...that hankering for ogre scrotum can be rather compelling.

  5. I can't believe that a-listers like Bridges and Moore actually agreed to star in this film. Someone must have needed a extra beer money.

    1. While I'm with you 99%, I'm telling you, it's not that bad. I actually kind of dig that Moore would even bother. Seems waaaaaay outside her wheelhouse.