Monday, September 28, 2015

Jesus, Becca. I'm blind.

I had this post started a week ago. The anecdote was ready to go, and I thought it was going to be a great setup that would be interesting, and maybe even a little humorous at times. But then I realized....

...I already told that story. 

Sure, maybe I could jazz it up a bit, present it in a new and exciting way, but honestly, I couldn't pull the trigger. Yeah. The past is the past, but there's nothing worse than doing a shittier version of something you did years back. It's in this moment that I realized that not only am I running out of ideas, but this format I've created for myself? It may indeed be choking the life out of me.

Good thing I'm not the only one.


Outside of a few jump scares and a general sense of what the f--k is going on here?, I was bored out of my skull during M. Night Shyamalan's latest horror/comedy flick, The VisitAnd this is coming from a person genuinely happy just to be near a movie theater, let alone f--king inside one. Well, not f--king inside one, but...nevermind - you know what I mean.

Clearly ol' M. Night is taking everything less seriously these dayswhich I support wholeheartedly, but this found-footage flick needed an edge. Or something. The setup is laughably absurd, the performances peak at not terrible, and the patented surprise ending made me wish I was dead people. And that's without mentioning all the white-kid freestyle rapping, for f--k's sake.

If you haven't heard (lucky!), The Visit is about two teenage siblings heading to their grandparents house...for the first time ever. For a week. Many years ago, their mom had a falling out with her folks, so these wascally wabbits decide to get to the bottom of this family squabble and document the entire thing. Sounds like a perfectly acceptable plan, right? Right.


Well, it might have been, except for the fact that ol' Nana and Pop-pop aren't exactly camera-ready, if you know what I mean. Turns out Nana is a f--king lunatic, prone to walking around in her own vomit when she's not scurrying around like a coke-fueled, underwater spider. And Pop-pop, when he isn't trying to (rightfully) kill himself, is busy collecting the nastiest shit ever. No really, he collects shit. I wasn't being clever.
I took a picture of the guy sitting next to me in the theater.
(Yeah, our theater's pretty run down)
Perhaps if I hadn't been feeling like ass, hadn't gone alone, or wasn't just a joyless dickhole, I would have had a decent time with The Visit. Some people in the theater seemed to really enjoy themselves, audibly gasping again and again. Not me, however, as this film was yet another reminder of how far the mighty have fallen. Shyamalan's early work, for me, seemed to speak of a master storyteller, capable of creating entire world's filled with somber beauty. Here, it's crass and stupid, and quite literally, a steaming face full of shit. 

Which reminds me, here are the Yays and Boos!

I too contacted my mom to get me the Hell outta there.
Yaaaaaaay!
  • Even though I couldn't shake the fact that she looked like Ana Gasteyer's younger sister, I could appreciate that every time Kathryn Hahn showed up Skypeing to her kids, it was oddly...booberiffic. Uh, Mom, your...uh, tits?
  • Ah, 30th St. Station. Even though I don't live in Philly anymore, I really enjoyed seeing this place on film. Wait, it's actually because I don't live in Philly anymore, I enjoy seeing this place because f--k all that traffic.
  • I maybe, just maybe, smiled at that Amtrak Guy. That running gag was kinda charming...I'll admit.
  • I mentioned that Nana does some weird shit, right? Well, she does (bitch is cuh-razy). But, one time, I'm pretty sure she was making raptor noises, and f--k me, that's fantastic.
  • Even though I kind of hate them, there were some pretty f--king rad (and cheap) jump scares. Two of the three got me good, and last I checked that ain't bad. 
  • Oh, I love a good game of Yahtzee. Not, like, shit-your-pants love, but pretty close.
  • And finally, even though it's entirely ridiculous, there's a good bit at the end where it all just kind of hits the fan. I think the bit with the refrigerator door, even if I was wishing that were my head, was a nice way to close the gooey bits, you know?
Boooooooooooooo!
  • F--k off The Visit, as like five minutes in we're told that at Nana and Pop-pops? Yeah, there's no cell service. Shit, I think even in The Village I got two bars.
  • The brother, the little lispy turd that he is, just so happens to be a total germaphobe. Will this ultimately matter? Depends.
  • Oh, and speaking of this annoying a-hole, for some godforsaken reason, he is a freestyle rapper. No, I really wish I weren't kidding, but someone actually signed off on the idea that this f--ker gets to rap on more than one one occasion. It was so groan-inducing, it made me want to punch Macklemore in his cock-a-doodle doo, sir.
  • Bed time is at 9:30. That sucks, but I've been there. Worse? They go on an ill-fated cookie run. Even worse? Been there, too. (and I almost killed my grandmother's precious cat in the process)
  • We get arguably the worst under the porch scene in the history of cinema. Fine, maybe the only under the porch scene, but f--k you, it still qualifies as the worst one ever.
  • Which leads to...Nana's asscheek. Again.
  • Here's the awful routine in this movie: 1) unimaginably f--ked up thing happens. 2) Vague response, reiterating well, they're old people. 3) Total acceptance. 4) Audience hates life.
  • Nana gets cookie dough stuck all over the webcam. Yep, that's what I told my wife it was, too. Cookie dough.
  • The whole Can you get inside my oven...to clean it shit was sooooo stupid. The first time. The second? No, Becca. Don't do it!  LET ME.
  • There's this random football story that made me wish I had a concussion. Or was a Raiders fan. Honestly, it's possibly the most pointless thing...in a found-footage movie.
  • Lil' Brother freaks out when there aren't any tissues. Freaks. Out. Nana's scratching the walls like a f--king cat in heat, but the lack of Kleenex really ruffles his feathers. 
  • Finally, FINALLY, the kids get in touch with mom and demand YOU GOTTA COME GET US! Her response? Do you know how long that'll take me? 
  • Oh, man. The twist. I can't believe I didn't see it coming. 
  • And finally, unless I missed it, I don't think M. Night made a cameo in this one. Really, dude? Are your movies so bad even you don't want to appear on screen? Say it ain't so!

Apparently this was shot on a pretty modest budget, and was Shyamalan's attempt at getting back artistic control.

Hmm, working for nothing but getting to call the shots...and still ending up with another soul-crushing failure?

Good thing I'm not the only one.

12 comments:

  1. Wow, ouch! No holding back on this one. I think I may've been a little generous with this one, but ultimately I liked it just because it was so darn silly. I laughed a fair bit, so it gets a pass in my book :) Nice review!

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    1. I don't know if I was expecting something different (and if I was, I'm not sure why), but it's silliness wore me down. While appreciate funny, random stuff, I guess I was hoping M. Night was going to go more horror/comedy than comedy/horror. And that kid killed it for me.

      Thanks, though. Stoked that you enjoyed it.

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  2. LOL about the M. Night cameo. This movie sounds terrible, I'm happy just reading your review. It's far more entertaining.

    Poor Kathryn Hahn. I like her so much.

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    1. Haha, thanks. It's short enough that it might make for a decent rental....a free rental...but it's safe to say you ain't missing much.

      Hahn. Well, to her credit, she's kind of barely in this one. But...her everything she says and does is quite possibly the dumbest thing ever. Aww.

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  3. Great review! I'm sure it's far better than the actual movie.

    As an aside, as you probably know, my teenage son works in a movie theater. One of the patrons who came to see The Visitor actually defecated in his (or her) seat. I was horrified that this happened and my son had to clean it up. :-( Dealing with the public is always a horror show, but this is an all-time low.

    I have to wonder -- was this the patron's review of the film?

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    1. Well, the review is pretty bad...so yeah, totally better than the movie.

      NO WAY that someone did that during this movie. Waaaay too perfect (er, horrible) when you think about it. Clearly and all-time low. Like...world record low. I hope.

      Did I tell you that I have little to no sense of smell? Well, it's true...so maybe, just maybe, me and that patron were in the same theater. But...

      ...I can hear. So maybe not.

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  4. Oh man, I was hoping this was good! but it sounds like it's full of those stupid quirky shit Shyamalananana puts in his movies

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    1. Hey,you might like it, as anything's possible, but it seems like a movie made of bad decisions both in front of and behind the camera. I really appreciated that M. Night made something on the cheap...but damn near everything that happens is cheap.

      Good ol.' Shyamalanananana!

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  5. Nice review. I remember seeing the trailer for this film and thinking...hmmmm "M. Night S. used to have his name come first in a movie trailer, the movies used to be big budget, summer or fall releases...now he's releasing paranormal found footage films?"It's really sad if you think about it. How the mighty have fallen. He needs to get back to the basics.

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    1. Oh yeah, they totally bury his name now, poor guy. But, in a way, I guess there's no one to blame but himself. I'll still probably check out his work as I honestly believe that that much talented can't completely leave a person....right?

      I wouldn't be surprised if by going back to basics that really means make a sequel, but I hear what you're saying.

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  6. Haha awesome review! Shyamalan needs to be banished from Hollywood already.

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    1. Haha. Maybe an outright banishment is a tad harsh...but I didn't see the Avatar Last Airbender movie, nor After Earth, each of which I hear are real upper-deckers in the Hollywood crapper.

      So, on second thought...yeah. Banishment seems about right.

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