Monday, September 7, 2015

Try not to die, okay?

Even though I'm not really plugged in any more, seldom do I get a chance to see a movie theatrically that I know absolutely nothing about. But after checking my phone and clearing it with Mrs. Two Dollar Cinema, I decided to head to a late showing of a film that I quite honestly had never heard of. Never saw a trailer, didn't catch anyone out promoting it.

I saw the title, looked at the cast, shook my head at the rating, and just f--king went for it. Better judgement be damned. Yeah, I probably wasn't the ideal age to undertake such an endeavor, but f--k it, you know?

I wanted something to write about. 

A Walk in the Woods isn't about a stagnating thirty-five year old movie blogger, but late Sunday evening, it sure as shit could have been. Instead, it tells the story of an aging writer who after attending yet another funeral decides to go for a walk. Well, more like a hike, actually. A two-thousand, one hundred and eighteen mile hike to be exact. At least he didn't go alone. I mean...that'd be embarrassing.

Robert Redford plays real-life author Bill Bryson, a nice-enough guy living out his days in a picturesque New Hampshire town. We meet Bryson on the set of a morning talk show, where the only person less interested than being there than he is happens to be the person interviewing him. Bryson has released an anthology of sorts, and we come to find out the only writing he's been doing for the last couple of years has been for other people's books. He's bored, and it's all too apparent that the thought of being at home with his wife may indeed kill him. So he does what any man would do in that situation: he gets the Hell outta there. 

Not more than two minutes away from his house is the Appalachian Trail, and Bryson is overcome with the idea to traverse the entire f--king thing. To somewhat appease his (rightfully) concerned wife, ol' Bill decides to call up some friends (even a dead one, inadvertently) and conquer this trek together. Unfortunately, just like Bill, these guys are old, and each returned call is some form of, Bill, have you lost your motherf--king mind? 

Yes. That's Nick Offerman.
And yes, it probably took him longer to put on that green vest off-camera,
then it did for him to deliver his lines in front of it.
Enter Stephen Katz (a grizzled, possibly homeless Nick Nolte), an old 'friend' who heard from someone else about Bill's epic plan. Stephen's up for whatever, as his current domestic situation is considerably messier than Bill's. The catch, and there's always a catch, is that while Stephen's mind is in good shape, his body ain't. This f--ker would probably get winded playing Oregon Trail, let alone hiking the Appalachian. Either way, watch out for that dysentery. It's a real bitch.

Also potentially lethal, are the Yays and Boos. Yes, they had no clue either what the f--k we were doing at a movie about two old guys taking a f--king walk, but hey, would Agent 47 really have been a better call? Don't answer that.

I don't know about you...but this kind of looks like an intervention.
  • All things considered, even if this one wasn't for me, let me applaud the theatrical release of a film featuring two old guys walking around.
  • One of my rules is that if Nick Offerman shows up, even if it's as the most hardcore Gander Mountain employee ever, he makes the Yays. We are nothing without our rules.
  • Nolte's Katz is an interesting fella to say the least. He tells Bryson that he spent half his life getting drunk and chasing pussy. And the other half he wasted.
  • Oh, and he also refers to some polite children as little f--kers, which is always appreciated.
  • While we're working blue, Redford gets in a nice little blowjob joke that made me chuckle. Sounds like one Hell of a Subaru dealership to me.
  • Bryson and Katz ges hooked up with an annoying ass, know-it-all hiker chick named Marry-Ellen, played by a relentless Kristen Schaal. You ever go grocery shopping and spend each aisle with the same asshole? That's this bitch. Though I've never ran to avoid someone in the cereal aisle.
  • So...Mary Steenburgen shows up for a minute, and can I tell you, she's looking good for any age, let alone 62. 
  • The soundtrack is pretty good. And, as a bonus, when it's playing you can't hear Nolte.
  • And finally, further ruining any credibility I might actually have, this movie is at the very least an important reminder of how cool Robert Redford really is. Sure, he's playing just about the most laid-back guy in the history of time, but being a jerk that hasn't seen much of his work at all, I'll take it. I only hope I'm that unflappable at...79
Now arriving at Gate 4, A Movie That No One Will See.
  • Even though I kind of dug how f--king absurd it is, who exactly is this movie for? No, really. 
  • And, annnnnnnd, an R-rating? The f--k is this? Do the producers f--king HATE money? I like f-bombs as much as the next guy, but I'm not willing to lose my f--king  shirt over them. F--k me.
  • Redford's Bryson is kind of the master of saying the wrong thing. At a funeral, the widow explains how much she appreciates their coming to support her dead husband. His response? It's our pleasure.
  • I'm really not sure what to make of Nolte's performance in this movie. It's kind of...sad. 
  • As was seeing his ass. Thanks for that.
  • Oh, our guys eventually ditch the trail and hitch-hike a couple of miles. Fair enough, right? Well, that is until you see exactly who it is that picks them up. And what they do to each other. While driving.
  • You know it's coming, but let's just say there's a little bunk mishap, that was painfully unfunny. (uh, and that would have f--king killed Bryson, by the way)
  • Was that quicksand? Are you f--king kidding me? At least Katz saved that stupid scene: You been screwin' hogs again?
  • Katz is a pretty sweaty guy. Like, drastically so. This is a fact that probably has kept the editor of this movie awake at night. Not only because he or she had to look at it for hours on end, but also for the fact that it utterly destroys continuity. 
  • So...uh, I know they're, no cell phones? 
  • The ending. It might make sense, but it felt like everyone had somewhere to be. If only I did, too.
  • And finally, The Greatest Generation (of movie-going a-holes). Let's just get this out of the way now, I was expecting to be alone during my 9:55 pm screening. But I wasn't. In fact, the other two people...were old. Very old. And feisty. Ol' Grandma was on her flip-phone half the damn time (ridiculous!), and Gramps? Well, that wily bastard launched his straw wrapper thirty feet in the air just as the flick got started. What the f--k, people? 
You know, I realize that even more than usual, I haven't really touched on whether or not I even liked A Walk in the Woods. Honestly, it doesn't even matter. You're not going to watch this, and anyone that actually did likely isn't reading a f--king movie blog. So why even bother going?

Let's just say I got what I wanted.


  1. LOL...I saw the trailer for this and literally thought to myself, "why did they do this" and "who would actually go see this" but your opening paragraph answered my last question at least...people who don't know what it is!

    1. I'm that guy. I am. I kind of dig seeing random shit, as I never know where the review is going to go. And oddly enough, this movie was very fitting for that purpose. It's stupid, I know, but I got a kick out of it. A random parallel that I never expected.

      That said...what the f--k business this has existing is beyond me.

      You should check it out!

  2. LOL, first they make a movie about two old people walking in the woods and then they give it an R-Rating? These producers definitely hate money.
    Awesome review, I don't think I'l be watching this. Haha

    1. Hahaha. Thanks, Khalid. I really don't think many people will be seeing it, but you know me - total innovator. Innovator is a synonym for a-hole, right?

      Honestly, it's not really THAT bad, but it's just so absurd that it exists....if that makes any sense.

  3. Offerman being a hardcore Gander Mountain employee sounds kind of perfect, but I've never cared for Redford (I know) or Nolte (I know) so I'll be skipping this. I'm always up for an excuse to read what you write though, so I'm glad you saw it. lol

    1. Yeah, it was a good call getting him in there, but his appearance is so damn brief it's borderline distracting...and totally disappointing.

      You don't like Redford? Really? I thought he was universally loved. I feel bad for not really knowing his films...but on the other hand...f--k it. I don't think you have to sweat how you feel about Nolte. He's terrifying.

      That's very nice of you to say, Brittani. Aww.

  4. On one hand it has Offerman...on another it has Nolte's ass...

    1. So, what you're saying is....

      ...MUST SEE, right?

  5. Great review / blog !
    I just watched this movie. I'm not a fan of Redford, but happen to like Nolte.
    Let me say that the movie was a horrible disappointment. I mean I thought that it somehow had to be good because on the surface it just seemed bad.
    It was bad. Poor Nolte was awful, except for one line. One line made the 1.5 hour snooze fest worth watching.
    The "half my life chasing P¥$$y and getting drunk" was priceless.
    The rest. So so so bad.
    Not to mention the ending.