Saturday, September 5, 2015

Somebody needs to sort that prick out.

While Japan and England are essentially neck and neck for the place I'd most like to visit, next up on that list would have to be Australia. I'm not sure what exactly intrigues me so much about a sunburnt country, but for whatever reason, I certainly feel compelled to see it before I die.

Maybe Paul Hogan milling around my formative years had something to do with it (if I had a nickel for every time I butchered That's not a knife...I'd have a shitload of nickels), or Steve Irwin's presence when I was in college, but there's a certain undeniable charm to Aussies. And that's just a couple of random dudes.

But the women? That's a completely different story.

They'd probably kill me. 

Infinitely better than it's current 9% on Rotten Tomatoes, Kill Me Three Times is further proof of how the ladies from Down Under can be bad for your health. 

Set in the Western Australia town of Eagle's Nest, this breezy flick features a pair of lovely ladies that f--k, and/or f--k over, just about every guy around them. Some of their dastardly deeds are intentional, but for the most part, this flick features a series of unfortunate events, each culminating in the untimely death of some poor sap. And I thought a walkabout was brutal...

Even in a small(er) role, Simon Pegg gets top billing, as his hitman character, Charlie Wolfe, is the common thread tying it all together. It seems ol' Charlie has been hired by Jack (the gigantic Callan Mulvey) to kill Jack's wife, after he suspects she's running around on him. But before Charlie can actually kill her, the unlikely duo of Lucy and Nathan intervene, as they need the wife's body as part of an insurance scam they are running. And it just so happens that Lucy is Jack's sister...not that that really matters. I think.

What does really matter, was that for eighty-four minutes I was entertained. Yes, this kind of convoluted, not-as-cool-as-it-thinks-it-is, bad people doing bad things, kind of movie has been done a million times before, but a f--k I could give. Unleashing a delightfully sleazy Pegg into a picturesque Autralian town and having everything go tits up had me smiling from ear-to-ear. It's fun, it's silly, it's shocking, and surprisingly f--king bloody, and I regret nothing. Hell, even my wife was on board...until she fell asleep. 

Hey, everybody! It's Thor's older brother! (no really, it is)
Do I recommend it? Well, that 9% is a bit alarming, but f--k it...why not? Unless you have a thing against people getting shot in the face, I say go for it. Clearly you don't respect your time as it is. I mean, clearly.

What you also shouldn't respect, are the Yays and Boos. They've got a thing for Teresa Palmer, and let's just say we investigated something that was probably rather inappropriate. F--king IMDB comments got the best of us.

Forget R, she's making my body warm.
At least certain parts, anyway.
  • Western Australia is unbelievably gorgeous. Even in a disgusting film, the scenery is breathtaking.
  • I guess Australia hasn't gotten the memo that nude scenes are unnecessary unless they further the plot.
  • Bryan Brown! I couldn't place him during the flick, but it's f--king impossibly rad that this is the the dude from Cocktail. He's pretty much aged into the Aussie version of Michael Caine....uh, which is the best thing in the history of time, if you think about it.
  • No extras needed. It's kind of silly, but apparently, in Eagle's Nest, there are only eight (8) people in the entire town. And they all have speaking parts in this film. Well, there were eight people.
  • But you know what this town has a lot of? Bullets. Like, at least two or three for every person.
  • The next time my microwave beeps that my burrito is done, let's just say I'm hitting the deck.
  • So, I'll admit it. There was a time where a character has to get to Lucy (the lovely Teresa Palmer) and I kind of hoped he would find her in the shower, you know, just because that'd be the right kind of ridiculous. And I won't say anything further...just note that this is the Yays, okay? (but it will also be in the Boos, so proceed accordingly).
  • And finally, the ending. I guess that was the only way this could really go, but when you think about it, it's a really nice ending. Like, turn the person next to you and say, Awwww. Good for them. That's what I did. Only to find my wife comatose.
  • Holy shit, mate. A little heavy on the guitar riff, no? I'd rather choke to death on a Vegemite sandwich than to ever hear that f--king soundtrack again.
  • So, I kind of already don't like going to the dentist as it is...then you show me that? F--k!
  • Apparently all that counterclockwise toilet flushing makes you go insane, as that's the only reason anyone would ever leave Lucy in bed waiting like that.
  • That is a knife. What is about someone getting stabbed in the hand that makes me wish I was stabbed in both eyes? Seriously. Head shots? The more the merrier. But one guy gets stabbed in the hand and I unravel.
  • And as I mentioned above...the shower scene. Two love, have a full conversation whilst one is bathing...and nothing happens? C'mon. I thought a boob squeeze was just being polite. I mean, it's the least I could do.
  • And finally, the rating. A f--king nine? Nine times. I can't believe it. Sure, this movie isn't f--king Pulp Fiction by any stretch, but not even double digits? Crikey!
You know, my birthday is coming up soon, and I still haven't told my wife exactly what it is I would like. I'm not sure we could swing it, but I just looked up a flight to Sydney and it's only $1,077. Not too bad. It's leaves on the 14th...and arrives the 16th. I'm not sure she'll really go for it though, you know? It's kind of expensive.

And it's only one ticket. One one-way ticket, at that.

Now that I think about it, I guess Australian women aren't the only ones that would probably kill me.

At least not the first time.


  1. As a West Australian resident who recently saw this film at a press screening right here in Perth, I can unequivocally say that this place is gorgeous. Even today, only a week into spring the weather is fucking perfect. If you're ever heading Down Under for a trip, I'll give you the tour mate ;)

    Great review too :) That 9% is a tad harsh, but I can't say I'd recommend this film to anyone unless I'm feeling particularly patriotic haha. That guitar riff was on my nerves after just a couple of minutes!

    1. P.S. If you're looking for more Perth films, definitely check out 2014's Son of a Gun which stars Ewan McGregor and Alicia Vikander. It's a lot grittier and better than Kill Me Three Times :)

    2. That's soooo fantastic that you saw a press screening of this one. I'm totally impressed. And embarrassed, as I went for some pretty lame jabs at Australia in this one. Whoops.

      That said, don't think I won't take you up on the tour.

      I think a 9% is waaaaay harsh. It's not that bad, and from where I'm sitting, the damn thing entertained. But yes, f--k that riff. That might be why it got a 9, it's that grating.

      I will try to track down Son of a Gun. You sold me at McGregor. Love that dude.

  2. I do want to see this, but I hesitated because it's another movie in which Simon Pegg or Nick Frost appears (mostly) without the other. They really need to cut that shit out. Are they breaking up, or something. And there's no way in hell I'll ever choke on a Vegemite sandwich cuz that thing ain't getting nowhere near my mouth.

    1. Well, for the record, I think Pegg's doing much better during the divorce, as he has been in some solid flicks without his PIC. But, to your point, I agree fully. These two should be like Dennis Rodman. If you sign the Worm, you gotta get Jack Haley, too. Like, without question.

      I honestly don't even know what the Hell vegemite is. Is it a spread? Something like SPAM? I refuse to investigate.