Monday, January 11, 2016

I'm here to put on a show. I'm not here to be comfortable.

Look, I'm a man. A married man. A married man with a pretty solid wi-fi connection.

So, I would never, ever lie to you and say that I don't. Because I have. And, Hell, I do. But soon enough? I'm going to have to change that to did. 

And while it's certainly to each his own, I suppose, there's so much out there...I don't even remotely understand how anyone could ever, ever enjoy a second of it. Yeah, I guess in a way it's all bad, sure, but I like to think that sometimes, on that rare occasion, everyone is actually enjoying themselves. It's a show, right?.

An adult show. Starring, you know...adults. Willing. F--king. Adults. Literally. Cause anything else? 

F--k that. Hard.

Shortly after Will Smith's Concussion [review] helped piss all over my enjoyment of professional football, along comes the Netflix documentary Hot Girls Wanted to crush the viewing pleasure of a different, um, full-contact sport. This one, all kidding aside, is a pretty tough one to swallow.

I should delete that.

Set in the impossibly seedy world of professional-amateur porn (yeah, that's a thing), this Rashida Jones-produced documentary tells the story of a handful of young girls living their dream of making it in the world of adult entertainment. Or, at least, that's how it begins. In an industry where most girls (wisely) bail after one month, Hot Girls Wanted primarily follows three young ladies for closer to a year. Safe to say, there's nothing happy about any of these endings.

Riley is a pimp. And I don't mean that as a compliment. As loosely as the term 'talent-scout' can be used, this former Applebees dish-washer has transformed his life in three simple steps: 1) move to Miami 2) buy a dumpy house and 3) get internet is aforementioned dumpy house. From there? Riley baits his hook simply by typing in the title of this documentary and casting his line into the murky waters of Craiglist.

The bait is taken damn near instantaneously. 

You know how people say, it's worse than it looks?
Shockingly...somehow, that still applies.
Possibly (rather) desperate, somewhat (sort of) attractive, the young girls that live in and out Riley's shitty pad are generally cast quickly in a variety of adult scenes. Initially, it's all look at us, we're so f--king rich and hot which made me sick enough (I basically hate anyone under 20), but then it's I have to film a scene where some dirty f--ker basically rapes me on camera which made me feel infinitely worse. Even though all of the hardcore awfulness is off-camera (or simply described), it's f--king terrible. I have no idea how people make this stuff, and I have even less of a clue as to who enjoys watching it

Speaking of just flat-out awful, here are the Boos for Hot Girls Wanted. The Yays are getting time off for good behavior, and also there's the fact that outside of an extremely honest photographer, there was nothing worth cheering for the 84-minute runtime.

I wonder what Riley's (center) monthly Febreeze budget is...
  • Kim Kardashian, you pioneering ho-bag. Look, I have nothing against this lady personally, but, her whole famous for nothing more than being pretty and having a sex tape? Well, that's basically the road map these chicks are following.
  • This doc takes place in Florida, replacing the former porn hub of sunny California. Turns out...California mandates, yeah. Off to Miami they go. I mean, if you're going to bang random sketchy a-holes (no pun intended), who wants to protect their life/genitals? That would be super lame.
  • You know what I always wanted to see an amateur porn-star do? Go home and talk to their parents! (especially Dad!) Was there no footage of their kindergarten graduation(s) available?
  • One of the girls, the pre-teen looking Karly *shudder*, well this young girl only has sex on camera. In her relationships? Ew, no. I get it, no one likes to take work home with them, but...damn.
  • Young adult life in pornography? Bad call. Not on the pill the entire f--king time? Even worse. Especially when it's explained to Mom, upon this realization, No, Mom. Don't worry. They don't, um, go in you. They go on you. (unless you want to make more money, naturally)
  • On a somewhat lighter note, the worst person in this, some entirely too confident chick going by Ava Taylor, free-style raps and while it, like every other minute of this doc, made me totally f--king cringe, it was like, okay, you know? Imagine falling off a building, moments before getting run over by a bus. Those five seconds of free-fall we're pretty rad, right?
  • Turns out, going to a party with your porn-star actually just as bad as you'd think it would be. People are all for talking some shit about you...rather publicly, no less.
  • As if I could have less of a boner, Barbara Walters shows up for a minute (in a clip from The View, but still).
  • The Price is Wrong, bitch. At least they make money, right? Ruining their lives, getting cysts on their ovaries, I least they cash in, right? Right? Uh, no. The one chick, after four solid months, netted two thousand bucks. [calculator noises] Ooh, about that...
  • And finally, I shouldn't be one to judge anyone, as I'm not staunchly against pornography, but what the f--k, people? Facial Abuse? Hell, anything + abuse? That's what you want to see? Are you f--king kidding me? Trust me...however bad you think this is, the way it's described by the girls involved? It's f--king worse. Way worse.

You might want to bring that gun to work, young lady.
This is the first movie I watched that my wife almost insisted I not write a post for. While the thought crossed my mind, it's a little too late for logical reasoning and common decency now. Her argument was that all the terminology and naughty bits were going to bring in some less than savory search traffic.

That's a fair point, actually, as some of the hits I've gotten before hand, well, they were pretty f--ked up. But, honestly?
Getting pageviews can be a real pain in the ass.

Figuratively, anyway.


  1. I tried to warn you anout this one. It certainly doesn't make you feel any better about humanity, like, at all. I forgot all about the girl rapping, lol.

    1. Yeah, I had to go back and look at your post (you need an index, by the by) and sure as shit, there it was: you steering me away from this one.

      Yet again, I f--k things up with my inattentiveness. Good lookin' out though...

      Dude. That chick and her 'flow'? Shoot me now.

  2. Great review! I've heard some pretty heavy things about this doc, I haven't checked it out myself. I'm kind of intrigued though, in that trainwreck sort of way.

    I'm sure the search words leading to your blog will be interesting this week. I've always got at least one with the words "nude" or "sex" in it leading to mine for whatever reason.

    1. Thanks.

      I was intrigued initially, Hell, during, but I guess I didn't really want to see the rashy underbelly of the amateur porn industry. It's way too say the least. Ugh.

      I really don't know how many pages some lonely dude must scroll down to end up giving me a click, but I love the thought of it. My personal fave is still the guy searching 'banana in the anus porn' as that's an example of a man who knows what he wants.

  3. I just have one question - WHY?

    More specifically why would you watch it? :D

    1. I always get myself into trouble with short runtimes. Like, I have a slight interest (at best), see it's under 90 minutes and then decide YES, I'LL HAVE THAT, GOOD SIR.

      But, yeah. Porn docs? I'm all set on those. Yikes.

      You should know better than most...I'll watch anything. This one wasn't even for pervy reasons...I thought it would be interesting. Which it was, in the most gut-punching way possible.

  4. Wow. This sounds bleak. I've been avoiding watching this movie. Seriously. My opinion of humanity took such a plunge when Trump became a front runner in the presidential race, I don't need anything else to drive me to drink

    1. Yes, trust me, I really didn't need any further evidence that we're living in a giant cesspool of depravity, but for whatever reason, I got it with this doc.

      To be fair, even though it's terrible, it certainly was still...interesting. Kind of like any show on MTV (um, if that's still a thing, I honestly don't know).