Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Scouts forever!

As kids, we weren't exactly encouraged to participate in any extra-curricular activities. On the off chance that one of the five of us inadvertently signed up for some after-school endeavor, the news would be met with only a passing curiosity. Not about the activity we longed to be a part of, no, that was irrelevant. The real burning question my parents always had?

So, how do you plan on getting there? 

Somehow, I managed to play varsity basketball in high school. And somehow, I actually held an after school job (cleaning the school, by the way - and you high school chicks are nasty). But that was when I was older and had a license. As a younger dude? No such luck.

No karate.
No swim club.
And worst of all?

No Boy Scouts.

Not that I was desperate to be a Boy Scout at fourteen, but after catching the f--king ridiculous 2015 horror-comedy Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse, I'll go ahead and fill out the application now. Scouts are cool as shit on a normal day, but when their town is taken over by the undead? Well, these dudes become f--king legendary.

Like a more hardcore version of The Monster Squad, Scouts Guide tells the story of a small group of social outcasts using their nerd-powers to save the f--king day. It's consistently funny, intermittently charming and I imagine (though I will never confirm) insanely re-watchable. I finished it at damn near three in the morning and actually considered watching it again. Immediately.

Ben and Carter are juniors in high school, and according to Carter, it's time to bail on being a Scout. But being that tonight is the night that their 'buddy' Augie is reaching Master Scout (or some shit), they reluctantly decide to set up camp one last time. Until Augie's asleep, and then they'll ditch his goofy ass and head on over to a top secret party across town. Ben's the honorable, straight-man of the group (as opposed to Carter, who's an obnoxious a-hole), and doesn't really support this. But...Carter's sister is going to be there, and well, she's pretty frickin' hot. That Massive Boner Handler badge isn't going to earn itself.

Obviously, their best-laid plans go to shit when it's readily apparent that something ain't quite right. At all. Investigating the eerily quiet town leads Ben and Carter deep inside Lawrence of Alabia (the town's strip club) where our moderately chill duo freak the f--k out after bloody encounter with an undead pole dancer. Luckily for them, and any man watching this film, their day is saved by the super-sexy stripper cocktail waitress, Denise (Sarah Dumont, kicking ass in the tightest of tops), who isn't rattled by anything.

From left to right: Denise, Ben and Carter...oddly standing in
order of who I would like to kiss on the mouth the most.
What follows are a series of scenes and adventures that create something as epic as Shaun of the Dead, as if written by the most badass sixteen year-old boys ever. Yes, it's all ridiculously juvenile and possibly retarded, but that's clearly the f--king point. We've got three nerdy dudes, one hot chick and a town full of zombies. In my mind, there's not much else you could ask for. Unless of course, you're a weird f--ker, and you're demanding to see someone avoid certain (trampoline-related) death by holding onto an undead senior-citizens elongated zombie-pecker, then, yeah, there's more to ask for. Psych. We get that too! 

Speaking of things that no one ever asked for but somehow always wanted, here are the Yays and Boos. Honestly, if you're even moderately educated and/or mature, you might want to switch the headers for this go round.

  • It takes about thirty seconds for this flick to establish, that yes, indeed, it's that kind of party. That janitor (the dude from Workaholics) was f--king hysterical.
  • Especially when he decides to do CPR on a corpse, and inadvertently smashes his hands through the guy's rib cage. 
  • On Scout Recruitment Day, we're treated to not only an overly enthusiastic David Koechner (as the Scoutmaster), but his poorly-edited recruitment video as well. Both are equally hysterical.
  • Cloris Leachman is going to do some things you never thought she would do. Ever. And they're remarkable.
  • On the Live Nude Girls neon sign, well, one of those words is flickering, which is pretty rad, you know?
  • Dolly Parton plays a pretty key role in this. But even better? We get some zombie-related awesomeness set to the timeless brilliance of 9 to 5. Trust me, it's no way to make a living.
  • Spoiler alert: A zombie gets his dick ripped off. Awesome enough, right? Not quite. What's the next logical step when a character is holding an undead dong? He throws it. Into someone's mouth.
  • So...we get a dope Britney dance-off between Augie and an undead Spears' superfan that has to be seen to be believed. 
  • Two words: zombie cats. Oh, two more: Carter's selfies.
  • You know you want it: a legendary gear-up scene. (in a hardware store!)
  • And finally, the big finale. Remember that scene in Dead Alive with the lawnmower? Well, we don't exactly reach that level of gore-gasm, but it's pretty f--king close.
Long-sleeved Aloha shirts?
I thought only Dr. Gonzo had one of those.
  • There's a point where we have to say goodbye to the lovely Denise. Yes, somewhere along the way, someone holding the script said, "Yeah, that six-foot goddess with her tits hanging out? Get rid of her!"
  • High school has clearly changed a lot since I've been in it, but some dude gets to go down on this chick, right, and she totally puts on something to watch on her phone while he does it.
  • But, let's just say she gets it. In rather gnarly fashion.
  • And finally, the fact that this movie made only three million at the box office. Look, it's not f--king Room or Carol, or whatever the f--k, but it should have made more than Point Break 9000, or whatever the Hell that movie was. Dammit.
While my parents never really supported my extra-curricular ambitions, they do occasionally (/dreadfully) visit this blog from time to time. But as they each take turns forgetting the name of it, sometimes they look to me to help them out. My response?

So, how do you plan on getting there?


  1. I remember this getting terrible reviews so I skipped it when it was in theaters, but I think it's something I wouldn't mind watching on Netflix. Sounds like it could end up in "so bad it's good" territory. Nice review!

    1. I don't understand the hate from all the reviews (and wasn't aware how hated this flick was prior to seeing it), as this movie is just stupid fun. And I don't even mean that as a backhanded compliment, either. If these critics can't laugh at a kid taking a selfie with a zombie cop's gigantic hooters, well...what the Hell was that critic even bothering with something called Scout's Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse in the first place, you know?

  2. When I first started reading I thought I might watch this. After reading Lawrence of Alabia, I thought I have to see this. Once I saw the names Chloris Leachman and Dolly Parton I told myself that I really really REALLY have to see this.

    1. Lawrence of Alabia makes me laugh every time I hear it. That's probably all you need to know about me (unfortunately?).

      Like I said, Dell, just...please. Join me on this one. It's sooooo ridiculous.