Monday, January 18, 2016

Whose juices have I tasted?

Oh God, yes. 

I don't even have to ask myself the question anymore. But the answer? It's always there. Momentarily shoving aside any rational thought I was in the midst of, I come to this conclusion with the speed and calculation usually reserved for...blinking. It happens all the time, and even if I really concentrate...there's little I can do to stop it.

And when I told my older brother of this process, he nodded. No shit. We all do that.
And when I (innocently/foolishly) told my wife of this process, she frowned. What's wrong with you?

Clearly, there's something wrong with me, but I'm just thinking if I'd have sex with the women that cross paths with me, not when. Or where. And there's a million caveats to my imagined scenario (like, assuming I wasn't married, for example).

Sleeping with Other People, on the other hand, presents us with not only with the wandering eye of your typical guy, but also his wandering dick. In addition to the oh-so-typical womanizer we're used to (the charmingly sleazy Jason Sudeikis), here he has a female counterpart, played by Alison Brie. Even in her attempt at monogamy she is missing the mark, as her guy belongs to someone else: His wife.

As convoluted as that may sound, it really isn't. After a brief hook-up in college, both then-virgins Lainey (Brie) and Jake (Sudeikis) go their separate ways. And after a chance encounter (at a sex addiction meeting, no less) they reunite, only to do what people in movies do: have an entirely meaningful relationship...with zero sex (wait, they're married?). Yeah, it's one of those plans that even on paper is terrible, but somehow two moderately-functioning adults would agree to. Hmm..I wonder how it will end?

Actually the end is real surprise...or at least the first one was. After that, this flick eventually ends how all these movies do, happily, but the trip there is actually kind of shocking. Jake still manages to be That Guy (hardly works though very wealthy, totally loveable...though basically a f--king asshole), but in the hands of Sudeikis, we like him and ultimately root for him. I don't know Brie from anything (I don't get out much), but her take on the complicated Lainey charms, and she manages to toe the line between likability and believability (not a word?) with a copious amount of grace and humor.

Personally, my love for this movie was all over the place in its hundred-plus minute runtime, but my wife was on-board from start to finish. And her adoration ultimately swayed me. It's funny for the most part, and entertaining, even if it's totally a f--king movie, you know? While none of this resonated with me on a personal level, I still found the characters interesting and worth spending time with. It's no People, Places, Things [review], but that's okay.

What's not okay, are the Yays and Boos. We've been absent a lot lately, as the thought of sitting at this shitty laptop has become extra daunting as of late. I think most of it has to do with the hangover effect of our last post...the documentary that shall not be named. But speaking of having sex with random people...

That's probably the most fun anyone has ever had with an
empty bottle of Green Tea.

  • I think mentioning that barely covered vagina of yours in casual conversation is something we should all strive for. Even if you're just thinking it to yourself, ladies. Even if...
  • Dude. Seth from The OC shows up for maybe the best five minutes...of my life. Adam Brody, everyone!
  • Amanda Peet, looking fine. As usual. And she's a real trooper on a first date!
  • Say you head to the Yellow Pages, as you're in need of A Gay Best Friend Who's Gonna Give it to you Straight? Don't even worry about making a tough choice, 'cause there's only one name under that listing: Natasha Lyonne. Still kicking ass and taking dames since...well, forever.
  • I don't remember what it meant, but I remember thinking it was rad, the term noodle salad.
  • Again, something that probably (hopefully?) only happens in small movies, ye ol' masturbation practice scene. Even it's too quirky for its own good, this scene is f--king priceless. As is the mentioning of the old IBM Thinkpads as crucial vocabulary for this, um, lesson.
  • In reality, not cool, but in a movie? Awesome. Jake and Lainey show up to a kid's birthday party high as a f--king kite. And the parents are totally okay with this.
  • Jake's partner guy. Why is this guy so f--king awesome? His wife, too. Damn!
  • Chris Smith and his love for the Rush Hour movies. And, please. Read that name again.
  • And finally, even if it's a little too much, but when Jake goes all Graduate at the end, well, I was ready to fight off my family with a golden cross, too. It's all kind of oddly romantic, no?
  • Uh, Sudeikis with long hair, still looks like Sudeikis...with long hair. Not a senior in college.
  • Sometimes, the dialogue gets a little too 'I'm in a small, witty movie - so I can go on and on like an asshole' for my likings, you know? I mean, you want to ramble on and on about nothing...get a f--king blog like the rest of us, for f--k's sake.
  • Yo, not only does Adam Scott have a boring dick, but this guy is a boring dick. How could anybody ever like this guy? I'm calling shenanigans here.
  • 'Circle time', my ass. Lainey is a kindergarten teacher. Yeah, okay. I don't think anyone who teachers twenty little kids has the energy to f--k anyone. Ever.
  • Man, there's a scene where Lainey literally chases Adam Scott's Dr. Robotnik Sobovecheck that was so awkward, I honestly had to look away. Yikes.
  • If I wasn't trying to have sex with my best friend (who happens to be a sexy, like-minded member of the opposite sex), the last place I'd head would be lingerie shopping. Just saying...
  • That dance scene at the birthday party soul.
  • Sex with a bra on. Uh, no. Never. This movie could have taken place inside the butthole of a Indominus Rex and I would have bought it easier than the constant covering of bosoms during naughty-time.
  • Are close-ups more expensive to shoot? What the f--k is going on here?
  • Look, I wasn't the most ardent consumer of Friends, but whoever wrote the scene where the truth is revealed sure was.
  • That was the fakest stoop ever. And yeah, I'm calling out the stoop! F--k you.
  • And finally, the ending. Look, I was golden at the handshake. Like, run to Twitter and dial up a hundred of those retarded smiley faces with hearts for eyes emoji bullshit level of golden. But then the movie just. kept. going. And while that was a bit of a bummer, everything after the fisticuffs was kind of stupid. Like, I was cool with Jake for the most part. But then you bring in the kid...and I'm thinking f--k this dude. Like Rod Tidwell once said, that's a sacred thing. Jake? He's shoplifting the pootie. Big-time. And he doesn't even have the quan. 
You know, sometimes, when I'm...uh, evaluating females, this other voice will creep into my head. And it wonders, if they're asking themselves the same question.

God, no.

Damn, ladies. You don't have to be a dick about it. 

I'm married anyway. Well I was before I published this.


  1. lol at sex with a bra. I actually love those scenes because of how irrationally pissed some people I know get about it. I'm an asshole.

    This sounds like it could be a decent watch. I think I remember seeing previews of it. Great review!

    1. Ha! I just think it's so ridiculous, honestly. Like, frame it so we can't see her boobs, or have her use the sheets, but keeping the bra on? C'mon!

      I think it's worth a look. Nothing spectacular...but not horrible or anything. (I like Sudeikis, though...)

  2. I feel shamed that I have no idea what your opening paragraph is about.

    Like, maybe I do...but then...really?

    God, no.

    1. Sometimes, I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who understands any of this, so your question is totally fair.

      I'm talking about sleeping with other people, and how in my mind, I basically quickly ask myself if I would or wouldn't sleep with damn near every woman that falls into my line of sight. I do this almost innately, and keep it moving. I never thought anyone else did this, till I talked with my older brother, who convinced me that every guy does it.

      So.... YOU?

    2. I pretty much ask that about every person I meet and usually base most of my freindships around people who, if drunk enough, I wouldn't mind banging.

    3. You guys are just winning my heart here O_O :lol:

    4. Wait, Fisti, that friendship thing seems like bad policy, no? I mean...

    5. It's bit me in the ass a few times, I'm not going to lie.

    6. For the record, I'm assuming literally on that whole ass-biting business.

    7. It has literally happened...and figuratively...but I did literally have a friend bite my ass.

      I'm not lying either.

      I've said too much already.

  3. Pretty sure I commented on this earlier, but the internet ate it, or something. Anyhoo. the way you describe it, it sounds kinda like Drinking Buddies which I liked, so I'll check it out at some point.

    The whole sex with a bra on thing is rather silly. I mean, who does that?

    Masturbation practice? Who does that?

    A quick assessment on whether you would or wouldn't on every woman you see? Who doesn't do that?

    1. There is simply so much right with this comment, my brain can hardly process it.

      I will check out Drinking Buddies eventually, as you had me at Anna Kendrick. Even if you didn't mention her.

      Bras on? No one.
      Masturbation practice loosely translates into Just Masturbation, so...Everyone.

      But the last one? That's how were wired, right? So...Everyone.

      Yep. Feels right.

  4. Seriously, this movie doesn't appeal to me at all. But maybe sometime when I'm in just the right mood or -- y'know -- not entirely sober -- I'll stumble across it on Netflix and give it a go.

    I am clearly getting old and boring because I tried to think of a possible opportunity to slip "that barely covered vagina" into casual conversation, and I came up with nothing. I may be able to introduce the phrase "wandering dick" into a conversation though. After all, that's one of the reasons I read your blog, so I can glean wonderful new expressions to add to my lexicon. ;-)

    1. Good luck with 'wandering dick', even if that sounds like something a Civil War doctor would tell one of his patients on the way out.

      As for this flick, it's nothing MUST SEE, but might be worth a watch. I recall you and yours fancy Horrible Bosses, so I'm sure you're always down for some unleashed Sudeikis, right? It's more of that...minus Dale (awwww....).

  5. YES! Who the fuck has sex with a bra on?! It always takes me out of the movie. Always.

    1. Savages. Thats' who.

      It takes me out of the movie, too. Like, I go from enjoying the film, to angrily putting my pants back on like THAT!