Y'all wanna lie on the ground and make snow angels together?

Roughly thirty years ago, I fell in love with a storytelling genre I didn't even know existed - the murder mystery. The film that opened my eyes had this small cast of eccentric characters, a story that occurred over just a few short hours, and was set entirely in one location. I sat there, wide-eyed and completely riveted, desperately trying to figure out who did it (where and with what). For a kid, the back-and-forth among the colorful characters was compelling, not to mention consistently hilarious. I wanted to tell everyone (meaning: my parents) about this amazing film, but there was one part I was unsure about. I mean, at one point, someone got shot. Once. 

And I...laughed? Was there something wrong with me?

Hey, what do you expect from a (until that moment) Clue-less seven year-old?

Wait, I know this one. Not much.

For Quentin Tarantino's eighth film, however, I was expecting quite a bit, honestly, and for the most part, I got it. The Hateful Eight delivered on all the things that make a Tarantino movie a Tarantino movie, without skimping in the least. In fact, the only real problem may be how much it delivers, as ol' QT makes a fairly simple story f--king epic.

Kurt Russell (and his infinitely badass mustache) plays John Ruth, a veteran bounty hunter hauling in a huge score going by the name of Daisy Domergue (a gnarly-ass Jennifer Jason Leigh). We're not sure what crime Domergue's responsible for, but the bounty is ten grand, and as were not far beyond the Civil War, that's a nice piece of change. While this bitch is certainly one, Ruth's got 99 other problems, too. An impending snowstorm is somewhere on that list, sure, but at the top? Well...motherf--kers keep showing up needing help. And even though pretty much everyone involved is some kind lying, racist asshole, there's an odd code-of-honor that exists among all of them. .

Hey Lloyd, look there's some people that want a ride, too! Pick 'em up!


As Ruth and his stagecoach driver, O.B., make their way to Minnie's Haberdashery, they pick up Major Marquis Warren (an extra-glowering Samuel L. Jackson) and Sherrif Chris Mannix (Walton Goggins, kicking ass) along the way. These two, representing each side of the Second American Revolution, basically hate the f--k out of one another, and jack up the tension well past eleven.

When they finally arrive to Minnie's, things get even more complicated, as some other gentlemen are there (curiously, Minnie isn't) and sides are quickly drawn. Ruth's firmly in it for the money (not to mention the joy of seeing Daisy get hers), but getting paid quickly becomes the least of anyone's concerns, as the deadly blizzard conditions outside seem inviting compared to all the bullshitting, cock-swinging and general f--kery taking place inside. Mr. Green wouldn't stand for any of this, I'm sure of it. Neither one of them.

While I found Tarantino's eighth flick to be a bit too long, and perhaps a bit too Tarantino-y (does everyone in the world have a carefully-worded monologue at the ready?), I can't say that I didn't enjoy the ride. Trying to figure out who's (really) who, why they're there, and who the Hell did that to the thing, hasn't been this interesting since I was a kid.

Once it wrapped up, however, I was perfectly happy with seeing this movie one time...and never again. Rewatchability (not a word) does not make a movie great, but The Hateful Eight is a f--king back-breaking grind of a movie. Much like our 'heroes' on the big screen in front of us, the whole bloody affair goes from compelling drama to a war of attrition. By the end...I just wanted to get home with my balls intact.

Speaking of things that can't create life, here are the Yays and Boos for Tarantino's latest. We actually saw this movie over two weeks ago, but I said they could wait an hour to post for every time one of the characters said something mildly offensive/and or a woman was punched in the face. So, yeah...this is about two months ahead of schedule.

Making ugly beautiful, this film is incredible to look at.

Yaaaaaaaaaay!

• If the score of this film had a wallet, trust me, it's the one that says Bad Mother F--ker on it.
• Speaking of good aural, Apple Blossum by the White Stripes was also f--king rad.
• YOU HAVE TO NAIL IT SHUT! (honestly, this how my mom treats opening her door on any day less than 70 degrees) Frankly, it's kind of sad how much I loved all the door-bitching. THAT DOOR IS A WHORE (my mom never said that one...in front of me, anyway)
• Who's this Walton Goggins fella? 'Cause I've seen his face before, but I can't place him. After this? I need more of Mr. Goggins. Lots more.
• Dude, I really loved Senor Bob (and his laissez-faire attitude regarding hats indoors).
• Ruth wiping food off of Daisy's face. Whoa.
• It was pretty awesome that Silent Night was the background music for that scene.
• Yo, Magic Mike. I see you.
• Samuel L. Jackson, even though it's almost cliche at this point, delivers another remarkable performance. Like, we all shit our pants over Jules in Pulp Fiction, right? But Mr. Jackson has been bringing it in Tarantino films for twenty f--king years. This shit is without a doubt legendary, and we get to be all used to it.
• And finally, the end. Even though it his eighth film took an eighth of an entire day to conclude, leave it up to Tarantino to have the whole f--king thing fly off the rails at the end. Yes, it actually went too far for me at one point (did we really need to get a rope?), I f--king loved how despite the insanity, it all came together damn near perfectly. 

By woman, you mean her?
(ouch)

Booooooooooo!

• I know, it's that time, but f--k me, I wasn't ready for the incessant use of the n-word. 
• Look, we got all kinds of issues regarding that famous letter, right? But how about when Daisy f--king hawks one all over it? I wanted to hit her. Too.
• Speaking of, holy shit did all that punch Daisy in the f--king face whenever you feel like it stuff wear me out. Guys, she's f--king terrible, I get it. Damn.
• Why is it only in Tarantino movies do we get to spend time with Michael Madsen? Does QT own this dude's soul or something? 
• They divide the place in half? What is this, an episode of Diff'rent Strokes?
• No lie, that story that Samuel L. Jackson's character tells was one of the worst f--king things I've ever seen. That shit was unbelievable. Imagine meeting someone who has met your long-lost son...and they tell you that little anecdote. F--k.
• In a way, f--k, it was kind of cool, but mid-movie narration? How the f--k is this even possible? Could any other director make this okay?
• I haven't seen a barf-o-rama that bad since Lardass destroyed that pie-eating contest. Apparently, revenge is a dish best served...after it's already been eaten.
• Spoiler alert: A lot of people get shot. And it's never pretty. 
• Without getting into the plan, can I just say that the old General seems like a major loose-end. You've got everything accounted for, but that dude's a bit of a wildcard, no?
• And finally, even though I  liked The Hateful eight, I wonder if Tarantino will ever step outside of his comfort zone? Yeah, it's cool as shit, sure, but throw us a wicked curveball, Mr. Tarantino. Just one. Then you can go back to the high, hard stuff.

Wow. 12:29 on a school night. What gives, m. brown? Well, since you asked, I'm up late again, because a Helluva snowstorm drifted through town and school is cancelled again. So here I am, posting long after I should be asleep. Yet another example of the horrors that take place due to inclement weather. In my case, however, the crime ain't exactly a mystery.

Mr. Brown

In his kitchen.

With a laptop.

Go ahead...check the envelope.