Not much sun in my story.

My first name is Mario. Make your f--king Luigi joke now, but trust me, I've already heard it.

When my wife and I moved back to her hometown, unbeknownst to me, there were still a few ex-boyfriends we could run into. Apparently, some of these dudes weren't exactly the best boyfriends, and didn't exactly treat her right. While there's a part of me that is thankful for that (think about that for a second), there's also a part of me that wouldn't mind if these guys would simply f--k off and die. And one in particular, a guy who grew up to be a lawyer (of course he did), just so happens to pop up about once a year. I've never met him, don't even know what he looks like, but yeah, f--k that guy.

His last name?

Bowser.

Short of helping that (potentially nice) guy move the Hell out of town, I don't think there's much I'd be willing to do for one of my wife's former lovers. In the 2016 flick, Jane Got a Gun, however, Joel Edgerton's Dan Frost is asked to do much more than horribly pack boxes. Actually, he's asked to pack heat, in order to protect the currently ailing husband...of his ex-wife. Wait, what?

Noah Emmerich (kind of) plays Bill Hammond, who apparently crossed the notorious John Bishop, the head honcho of the ruthless Bishop Boys gang. One day, Hammond stumbles home wounded, and falls directly into the arms of his loving (and tough as nails) wife, Jane (a very stoic Natalie Portman). With just a mention of Bishop, Jane, after removing a few bullets from her husband's torso, knows that Hell is coming. I'm just not sure who the Devil is, exactly.

And while she's certainly down to lay waste to anybody intent on harming her family, Jane also knows deep down she can't do it alone. Since she's about a hundred and ten years ahead of the Ghostbusters, uh, and phones, there's really only one person she can call: Dan Frost.

The poor bastard Jane left behind, so that she could shack up with Hammond.


Clearly Dan ain't exactly thrilled to be stuck between this rock and a hard place, but he swallows whatever pride he still has and gears up. Oh, he's got some words for the incapacitated Hammond, some harsh words, but Jane simply means too much to him to not lend a hand. It's basically a suicide mission, but if there's one person in the world that Frost would die for, it's Padme Jane. Hell, he kind of already died for her before...

Jane doesn't sleep, motherf--ker, off that 'gnac and that bourbon.

I'm not a total idiot, so I know that Jane Got a Gun was a troubled production, but since I've got my own problems, researching whatever the f--k happened on and off set are ultimately inconsequential. Initially this movie seems pretty damned straightforward and a bit uninspired, but as the narrative slowly revealed itself, I found myself kind of...impressed? What appeared rather cut-and-dry is anything but.

Maybe if shit had gone smoother this movie would have actually made it to a theater instead of say, magically appearing at Redbox, but overall, I more or less enjoyed it. My point, if there ever is one, is don't let all those stories, whatever they are, sway you. This isn't the shit show you might think it is (and yes, it might be worse).

Speaking of shit shows, lowered expectations, and lots of words not amounting to much, here are the Yays and Boos for Jane Got a Gun. Full disclosure, this movie was a two-night affair, but I'm all about paying for a second night with a pretty lady. Wait...what I meant was...

Dude, Hammond is soooo lucky.

Yaaaaaaaaaay!

• Maybe it's my relentless adoration of The Gift talking, but I'm starting to think Joel Edgerton is reason enough to see a movie.
• Not that I condone forcing yourself on a woman in any way shape or form, like not at all, but to be honest? I kind of love it when some one-toothed bastard in the old West tries to assault a woman and just gets f--king annihilated. Like, a guy is straight up murdered and everyone watching looks like Tiger Woods after making a huge putt (you know, back when he, uh, played golf...well).
• I don't know what the bone orchard is, but apparently I liked it. It's either a graveyard or a cat house, and either way, the name is pretty awesome.
• Bishop sounds exactly like Ewan McGregor. Hint: He is Ewan McGregor.
• Hammond spends 95% of his screen-time dying face down in a bed. But that other 5%? Well, let's just say, he's standing up for some stuff.
• Dan Frost is told one helluva story. I loved his reaction to it. It's pretty much how I imagine your face at the end of this post, actually.
• Dan: Go Jane. Jane: [like a demoralized Southerner] Can't. Me: F--k.
• So, Dan is pretty much a master of pyrotechnics.
• The whole story builds to a fairly epic shootout, right? Let's just say that a lot of people get shot, but not all of them seem too affected by bullets entering their bodies. Ah, Old West toughness. I'm more upset to find out I've had something in my teeth all day, then these folks are about getting shot.
• (can I also just say, I've always loved how it doesn't quite hurt until they pull back their shirt, you know? Like, exposing a bullet hole to air quadruples the pain)
• And finally, Boba Fett ain't got shit on Jane. Do they still pay cash for dead bodies?

Nice ass.

Boooooooooo!

• Pretty much f--k everything about 1871 New Mexico. Maybe even current day New Mexico, too.
• Why is the money the same dead or alive? I feel like one of them should be worth more, like the one where you don't shoot them in the back, maybe?
• Damn out-of-control birds (honestly I don't remember what this means, but I underlined it...so...yeah).
• Flashbacks are cool. But not that cool.
• Without giving too much away, Dan gets totally f--king hosed by Jane. Like, more than once. But the initial hosing is quite honestly the worst, even though I suppose she had a good reason to do it (a reason we're shown, yep, via flashback).
• Man, Face Tattoo Guy? This guy is a real c--ksucker. Luckily, he goes the way all Face Tattoo Guys go, you know what I mean?
• Wait. Jane saw him up on the hill? What the f--k is this?
• Dan's conversation with Hammond is pretty brutal. Yeah, you're going to die, Hammond. And no, I don't give a shit. But your wife? I do like her a lot.
• Look, like pretty much every other guy on the planet, I find Natalie Portman oddly, uh, super hot, right? But as the number one in an old West whorehouse? I'm not buying this. Jane ain't exactly...giving my Buzz Lightyear a Woody, you know?
• The end? Well, it kind of comes on a bit quick. We go through some major shit to get there, but when the finale comes it's kinda like, welp, show's over, feel free to f--k off. Wait, I get it now. They filmed the whole movie in chronological order, didn't they?

I'm not saying I wouldn't help out some guy who used to date my wife. I mean, I'm not a total asshole. That guy needs a ride to get a vasectomy? Give me a call, no prob.

No, you know what? Just come by my house. I watched (most of)the first two seasons of ER. Slide me that scalpel.


I just gotta make sure my princess is in another castle, first.