Thursday, May 19, 2016

Oh, hang it all.

I was in high school when I first saw it.

There, right on the cover of a beloved Disney classic, stood a massive golden dick. It was my first exposure to the underground, salacious side of Walt's crew, and the kid who showed me kept jamming it in my face. Yeah, man. They have weird stuff in all their movies. 

While it might take a certain level of intoxicated detective work to unearth the slew of hidden sexual images buried into many Disney movies (not to mention a perverted imagination...and nothing better to do), it looks like there is indeed a case to be made for repeated inappropriate behavior on behalf of the animators. Yeah, horny teenagers may see dicks in just about everything, but sometimes, you don't have to even look that hard. The last Disney movie I saw? *whistles*

It was all about pulling out.

Maybe it's a cherished part of your childhood, but holy Hell is The Sword in the Stone an awful film to watch as an adult. Recommended by not only my beautiful wife, but also an attractive co-worker, these were some of the ugliest 79 minutes of my movie-watching life. Many a great man has come from humble beginnings...but this? This may be some sort of record.

Young Arthur is a doofus. And a wimp. And not the brightest crayon in the box, if you know what I mean. But apparently, he's going to grow into a legendary figure in British lore. So says a pipe-smoking buffoon named Merlin, a decidedly less-cool version of Mr. Miyagi.

See, ol' Dumbledore Merlin is a magician, and when he's not pontificating about modern inventions (well, 1963 modern) that no one has a f--king clue about, his life's purpose is to make sure young Arthur realizes his full potential. Currently Arthur is mainly in charge of falling down the stairs, but under Merlin's haphazard tutelage, he will become the King of England. So how does one make a king? 
Turn the kid into a f--king squirrel.


Clearly this concept is totally nuts (yeah, I went for it), but possibly acceptable had it stopped there. But alas, it doesn't, as Arthur learns how to be a spending perilous time as not only a prettier rat, but also a bird and a fish. While it's not quite staining the largest fence in California or catching flies with chopsticks, Merlin's lessons are equally as confusing, and altogether pointless.

Seriously, by the end of this awful, awful movie, not only was I wondering where the Hell the sword in the stone had gone, but also, if when it was found, whether or not someone could jam it directly into my eye and/or balls. You wouldn't even have to secretly draw it into the background...

Also up front and center in their inappropriate idiocy, are the Yays and Boos. They aren't proud to be pissing all over a Disney classic, but when you gotta gotta go. 

You can't tell by looking at her, but this chick is a total slut
She straight up wants Arthur's nuts..

  • Even though I hated pretty much all of the music, uh, and everything else, Merlin's book-dancing jam was kinda cool. Like, a little bit. I guess.
  • I love anyone who opts for Gadzooks! as an appropriate response.
  • Archimedes, who uh, totally looks like Owl from Winnie the Pooh, is a total dick. time? He's totally clutch.
  • Merlin can rock the Hell out of doing the dishes, especially for a guy that's high as a f--king kite.
  • There's a pretty funny bit where Arthur falls down the stairs (while holding entirely too many ceramic dishes, to boot). What's even better? The exact same scene is shown twice. Like, the animation is so funny, the guys drawing it basically said, We gotta use this shit again.
  • And finally, even though it's entirely too long, the squirrel-on-squirrel scene is actually the best ten minutes in the movie. Oh, it's weird as shit, no doubt. But it momentarily stops the unrelenting awful.
  • Credits in the beginning? While I love's a death sentence for contemporary attention spans. [I never fast forward them...despite their pleas...hahahaha]
  • Man, that big dude is a real prick. Sir Kay? More like...Sir...K...hole? Sorry, I got nothing.
  • Sweet Christ that underwater song made me wish I was currently drowning.
  • Oh boy. Arthur's crying. Again.
  • Honestly, what the f--k is with Merlin always turning Arthur into animal? Fine, maybe turning a dopey kid into a fish will put some hair on his chest, uh, I guess. But every single time Merlin pulls this trick, there's some hungry-ass animal waiting to devour the would-be King. And Merlin? A f--k he could give half the time.
  • Madam Mim is likely the worst character Disney has ever animated. Not only is she hideously ugly and obnoxious, but this chick can't even follow the basic rules of a wizard fight. Like, be insanely unattractive. Be a huge bitch. But an unprincipled sorcerer? Unacceptable.
  • And finally, the friggin' sword in the friggin' stone. I guess we can't have an entire movie about Arthur pulling and tugging on a goddamned sword for 79 minutes, but what the shit is this? They mention it in the opening, and never, ever mention it again. And how does it become relevant? Arthur, like a dumbass, forgets to bring a sword to sword-fight and stumbles upon the sword. And without the slightest bit of drama (and a copious amount of magic sparkles), he pulls the sword out and becomes the King of England. No drama. No montage of slaying dragons and banging maidens. Swords out, people. Hail the King. F--k off.

School is definitely coming to a close, but I think it's safe to say that I might show another movie...or five. And while there's certainly a part of me that wishes I could find a different line of work entirely, the allure of the summer is all-encompassing and makes career reevaluation, at this point, crazy talk.

And as long as there's a steady supply of annoying kids who don't really care about their education, I guess I'll always have a job to return to in late summer.

Unless there would be some sort of Children of Men type of event, of course.

Or, you know...some other way to not make a baby.


  1. I'm crying over your last comment.

    I can't believe you reviewed this, because I watched it for the first time last week and...well...every word of this review is true.

    1. I'm crying that you commented!!!! Happy tears, naturally.

      DUDE! What the eff were you doing watching this movie...uh, too?

    2. I was working on my personal awards for 1963 and I kept reading that this was some hidden Disney classic so I thought, why the hell not.

      I should have...not.

    3. this movie really sucks. Is it...acclaimed?

      Cause it makes modern day DTV stuff look like Pixar's finest!

  2. That last sentence is a brilliant call-back to the opening. I needed that laugh. As for the movie? Don't think I ever saw this one and I'm not even sure why because I thought i saw all of those old Disney cartoons. Oh well, I won't go looking for it.

    1. Yes! I had no idea going in that's where I was headed...but why the f--k not, right? It's not like this is a kid's movie and I'm an educator. I mean...

      ...that would just be really bad judgement.

      As for the movie, DO NOT go looking for it. It's painful.

  3. Oh man, I'm heartbroken I loved this movie as a kid. I haven't seen it since, so you're probably right about adults finding it awful. I just remember that fish kind of freaking me out, and really like when Arthur's asshole guardians finally called him by his real name instead of "Wart" at the end when he gets the sword.

    Speaking of golden dicks though, the only VHS I took from my mother when I moved out was my copy of The Little Mermaid only because of that glorious dong on the cover. How no one caught that right away and let it go to print is amazing.

    1. If you really liked it as a kid, there's a good chance you'll be lucky and see it as charming and fun, instead of how saw it: boring and stupid. But regardless of when you've seen this one, I totally agree- his guardians are giant a-holes and that fish things was terrifying.

      Honestly, the f--ks you aren't giving if you let a giant golden schlong grace the cover the VHS version of The Little Mermaid.