Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Because it's my birthday, and I wants it.

Welp, it's that time again. Might as well start defrosting Fudgie the Whale.

Five years ago this evening, I pressed 'post', or whatever it says in Blogger, for the first time in my life. I didn't have a plan, or a point, but I knew that blogging was something I wanted to do. Since then, I've hit that button another five-hundred and thirty three times, yet that plan, or point, remains entirely out of sight. But I still enjoy looking for it very much.

In the last 365 days, like the rest of you, my life and my blog have each had their share of highs and lows, or as they're known around these parts, Yays and Boos. While I try to keep it about movies, sometimes a little bit of that life stuff sneaks into my posts, okay, fine - a lot of it does (and sneaks is totally the wrong word, I know), but today, let's focus on the real reason you're here: pointless lists and self-congratulations.

As is the tradition at Two Dollar Cinema (years one, two, three and four), I've lovingly contemplated/hastily compiled my list of the top (and bottom) thirteen flicks that have come my way in the last 52 weeks, half of which I'll probably hate by this time next year.

  1. The Force Awakens - There's likely nothing better than taking your 6 year old son to his first Star Wars movie. Well, other than Chewbacca in rage mode.
  2. Mad Max: Fury Road - Breathtaking in every way possible. I need to revisit this one soon.
  3. Room - The best movie I will absolutely never watch again. Awwww, damn...here come the waterworks.
  4. The Revenant - Oh, you think you've had a tough week, eh?
  5. Captain America: Civil War - [insert fangirl screeching] Paul Rudd wins everything.
  6. The Martian - Even the shitty potatoes were fantastic.
  7. What We Do in the Shadows - I'll invite these guys in any time.
  8. Creep - I always thought sleep was totally overrated. F--k you, Mark Duplass. And Peach Fuzz? Oh, f--k him, too.
  9. Creed - This one was personal. Thanks, Sly.
  10. Kingsman: The Secret Service - I pray at the alter of Matthew Vaughn. Though, Good Lord, these carpets are a mess...
  11. Bone Tomahawk - Half of me wants to demand that everyone sees this film. The other half, cries like a little girl just thinking about the atrocities we're shown. I'm really torn. Like, right down the middle.
  12. The Guest - No, Dan Stevens, of course you're not imposing. C'mon in, you handsome devil!
  13. Scouts Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse - F--k you, Everybody Else, this movie is hysterical.
While the aforementioned flicks made my night, this next group made me wish I had never got up that morning. Here are the worst of the worst from May to May, all of which I'm sure to hate even more as the years go by. 

  1. Aimy in a Cage - If I awoke this evening to find you in my bedroom taking a slippery dump on my chest, that I would understand. But this? Nope. Unfathomable.
  2. Chi-raq - Rhyming for two hours and twenty minutes isn't even clever. In fact, it's the worst f--king idea ever. Oh, and f--k pussy. I just want everyone to shut the Hell up for a minute. F--k.
  3. The Skeleton Twins - All I remember is I hated these two people. Especially Wiig. The title was misleading, as I was hoping for a double-homicide to end it all.
  4. The Cobbler - So bad, it almost undid Happy Gilmore. I didn't pay to see this, and the price was (still) wrong...bitch.
  5. The Man from U.N.C.L.E - I'm not even mad at you Guy Ritchie, just...disappointed.
  6. Unfinished Business - No, no. They totally finished it. Assuming 'it' was Vince Vaughn's comedic career.
  7. Concussion - Thanks for ruining football, science. Well, nice try, science...I actually blame Peyton Manning and the Broncos.
  8. Hot Girls Wanted - Thanks for ruining pornography, Netflix. Well, okay, fine. Thanks for trying to ruin pornography, Netflix.
  9. Dark Places - That's where should keep all copies of this movie.
  10. Burying the Ex - The annual 'things I will watch for Alexandra Daddario' quest burns me yet again.
Before I go, let me send an invisible hi-five (get it? hi...five? huh? huh? *silence*) to the following esteemed people, whom I not only consider friends of the site, but people I legitimately care about.

Sati over at cinematic corner. has been visiting and commenting on this train-wreck for years. I absolutely adore her. I mean, it's not everyday you meet someone who makes Friday even better.
Brittani over at Rambling Film is also one of the best people alive, too. Not too mention impossibly prolific. I'm pretty sure Brittani has posts already scheduled until deep into the summer...of the year 3000.
Wendell over at Dell on Movies. Easily one of the funniest dudes around, Dell's site is consistently hilarious...and incredibly well-written. Yeah, f--k that guy, right? Ha.

And Fisti over at A Fistful of Films. Fisti bowed out of blogging this year, but still remains one of the reasons I continue to stay up way too late to publish reviews that no one's going to read. This guy is one of the nicest people on the web, and insanely passionate about what he does. And a friend, no doubt.

Everybody else? Steph, AW, Jenna and Allie, Mike, Mariah, the rad FTS ladies, Khalid, Rhys, Todd and Jay (totally hooked me on podcasting, these gents did) and anyone else I forgot to mention...I really, really appreciate the kind words and the endless inspiration. Five years down...

...and who the Hell knows how many left to go.  


  1. Congratulations mate! What an awesome milestone. I think my five year mark comes up next January, which is CA-RAZY because it feels like only yesterday that I was passing the first anniversary. Time flies when you're having fun ;)

    Thanks for shoutout too, it's been a huge pleasure stumbling across your little corner of Internet and sharing my thoughts on everything you write. Safe to say you're one of the funniest and most dependably awesome bloggers that I actually go out of my way to read every single time. So thank you for all chuckles along the way ;) Just keep doing your thing and I'll be here to keep chatting away haha.

    1. Make sure to let us know when your party starts. I'm pretty sure I've got leftover cake. Well...I think that's cake.

      Thank you very, very much for the kind words, Rhys. Trust me, if I ever head down your way, I'm calling you up. We can go see Captain America part 17, or whatever they'll be on by then.

  2. Oh wow, 5 years!! Congratulations dude! I absolutely have everything crossed that you're blogging for at least another 5, your yays and boos have me laughing out loud in my tea breaks :)
    - Allie

    1. Whoa whoa whoa. As an ex-boss once told a female co-worker..."Oh, you better uncross all that". Yeah, he was a scumbag.

      Anyway, thanks for the kind words. Imagining anyone reading this, let alone laughing, over TEA!!!, is amazing. Totally appreciate it, I do!

  3. Happy 5 years! I hope for many many more because I love this blog and it always makes me laugh.

    Thanks for the shout out....I pathetically have my Thursday Movie Picks already written up to November, so you're not wrong about blog scheduling. lol

    1. Hahaha...thanks, Brittani. I'm not gonna lie and say I'm not trying, 'cause that's all I'm really going for: cheap laughs both with and at me.

      Of course on the shout out. November...of this year? Or next?
      Hey, there's nothing wrong with being prepared...at least, that's what people tell me. When I'm listening. Wait. What were we talking about?

    2. Brittani is a f--king machine.

      Wait...that sounds terrible. I mean, she's like...super organized and prolific. At blogging, damn it. Not...

      Oh, f--k this.

    3. Thursday Movie Picks take like 5 minutes to write! lol They're easy to to do a bunch in one sitting.

  4. Happy birthday! lol on Peyton Manning & the Broncos ruining football. I'm a fan of the dude, but I live in Panther country, so yeah. I think Von Miller just finished up his latest routine on Dancing With the Stars and then sacked Cam Newton...again.

    My carpets were a mess after Kingsman, too. I just threw 'em out. Can't get that much blood out.

    Thanks for the shout. My blog is occasionally funny. Yours is the most hilarious thing going. Love this place.

    1. Ah, thank you. Man, Brady and my Patriots should have beat those damn Bronocs...frickin' stellar fantastic defensive line...grrrr.

      I like Miller, like, as a guy, but he really crushed my dreams of the Pats sticking it to Goodell. DWTS? Don't even get me started. That's become something we watch as a family...and it's ridiculous.

      Even though I'm psyched, I'm worried about Kingsman 2. How do you top the first without making it too ridiculous?

      No way, man. You're very sly about it, and clearly not as desperate as I am, but your posts are full of some great lines.

  5. Wow! 5 years! Mine will be 5 in October. Thanks so much for all the kind words here, your blog had been my absolute favorite in the blogosphere from the very beginning!

    1. Wow. I didn't even realize I was older than you! Your blog always struck me as...well, better. So I imagine you'd been doing it longer.

      You know I can't ever thank you enough, Sati. You are damn near everywhere, and even if I was just in your top ten, I'd be blown away. Such a high compliment!

      Got any plans for your fifth?

    2. I'm planning on surviving till October which may not happen but if it does I will do something unless I won't notice it's my Bloganniversary. 4 times I didn't notice, so it's likely.

  6. Five years? Hard to believe I just found your blog last year... Good stuff, TDC is definitely one of the better blogs I follow these days. Thanks for the shout out.


    1. Mike! Yesss! Thanks for the kind words, as always.

      I just followed you...again!

  7. Congratulations on the milestone!! It's very weird to think in these big time chunks of time dedicated to writing posts about movies. But hey, everyone has got to have a hobby right? That's a pretty awesome top 13 for a year. Totally shocked that Zombeavers didn't make the cut though. Just keep writing and I'll keep reading deep into the summer... of year 3000.

    1. Hahaha....thanks. I honestly can't believe how long I've been doing it (and how much it keeps me from watching more movies...but it's still pretty sweet to look back on the older stuff (and totally cringe...a lot).

      F--king Zombeavers. Talk about wasting time, huh? And by that, clearly I mean think of all the time I spent watching things THAT WEREN'T ZOMBEAVERS!!

      I can't wait for Summer 3000. It's going to be pretty sweet I'm sure. Matt Damon poo-potatoes for everyone!

      Thanks for the kind words, Jess!