Tuesday, May 31, 2016

That's right. I'm switching sides.

My daughter is not in a sorority. But she could be.

She's young.
She's pretty cute,
She's totally outgoing,

And, not that I'm terribly proud of it, but as far as movie sororities go, she's a good fit there, too. 

She's cool with saying inappropriate things (at inappropriate volumes) whenever she feels like it.
Sometimes, she'll totally crash into a room, where the people she lives with are getting it on. 
And on more than one occasion, at a party, after one too many drinks? She's fully peed her pants. In front of everyone. 

Oh, and one time? I totally saw her open-mouth kiss a total dog.

Underling: Boss, the poster is done. [unrolls poster]
Movie executive: [waves hand] I don't need to see it. I'm assuming they're on it.
Underling: The main stars? Of course.
Movie executive: Tits, man. Tits.

Underling: [dies inside]
My aforementioned daughter is a few months shy of her third birthday, but if we were truly awful parents, she could have been seeing her second Neighbors flick with us theatrically. Set shortly after the events of the first film, Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising is exactly what you'd expect it to be (pretty much the same movie as the first one, just not as funny) mixed with something you might not have seen coming (a modern tale of female empowerment).

Mac and Kelly (Rogen and Byrne), after defeating the Teddy-led fraternity of Delta Psi in the original flick, are ready to not only move on, but also move out. Another young couple has bought their home, but the deal is in escrow, so our lovable, though entirely irresponsible couple have thirty days to keep up appearances. Shit goes south? Their buyer's will bounce, leaving Mac and Kelly with two mortgages. But, I mean, what could go wrong...in a sequel?

Oh, right. A slightly modified version of what happened the first time.

This time around, instead of Delta Psi and a dozen dudes dressed like Robert DeNiro, a bootleg sorority moves in, led by three social outcasts and an even worse version of the Minions. These girls are as equally raunchy and hardcore as Efron and Franco's crew from the 2014 original, sure. But they're definitely not as much fun.

Somewhere along the way, a morality tale develops, as our foul-mouthed, pot-smoking, law-breaking chicas end up not only fighting their neighbors but the lowered expectations of society too. While I actually kind of dug the idea of the girls rebelling against the typical airheaded sorority slut stereotype we've all come to know (and love?), it wasn't exactly what I signed up for. Maybe I'm a sexist pig/overwhelming douchebag (both equally possible), but I didn't find the ladies of Kappa Nu all that funny. 

Or interesting. 

In fact, whenever the film decided to give us more Chloe Grace Moretz and her crew (and even more of Efron's Teddy, while we're at it) and less of Rose Byrne and Seth Rogen's, the air came blasting out of the balloon. Maybe it has something to do with the ladies looking like straight up girls (when the f--k did I get so old?), or maybe it's that Grace Moretz was entirely unconvincing as the stoner/loner, but either way, I simply didn't give a f--k about it care for it.

Also incapable of mattering, are the Yays and Boos. We all laughed our asses off during parts of this one, sure, but then we started to think of my daughter attending college, and shit wasn't as funny, you know? 

For real...I'd probably make out with any of them.
  • Even if she threw up in my face, during, I'd still totally do Rose Byrne.
  • Man, their faces during the escrow conversation were hysterical. Pretty much the exact face when people give me directions. Or advice.
  • Teddy, that beautiful centaur.
  • Okay, for real...best proposal ever. And yeah, totally played that song at my wedding (c'mon...you pretty much have to get a little Mraz in there, right?)
  • Whoa! Dr. Fraiser Crane? Yes, please.
  • No lie, bag of dicks is pretty funny.
  • I won't ruin the line for you, but I have to cheer for not only how awful the joke was, but also the number of simultaneous (though delayed) Ughs that followed soon after. Ah, ovens.
  • The little bit about raiding all the campus pot dealers was pretty solid. 
  • Dude, Jimmy's clown costume (and accompanying maniacal laugh) got me every single time.
  • Only in a goofy comedy does the worst f--king CGI ever get a Yay. I'm pretty sure I could have drawn a more realistic Sydney.
  • Two good lines: She almost died over a Gordita and We got Cosby'd.
  • And finally, even if recycled gags kinda feel like jumping on a bike with the seat missing, I have to admit that the return of the airbags was certainly a highlight. Teddy's move in the garage actually almost took my life it was so f--king hysterical. Aaaa-mazing!

Chick on the right? Hot. Everyone else in Kappa Nu? Not. 
  • Maybe I've been spoiled by lots of other sorority uh, films, but these chicks we're kinda beat, no? Like, not only in looks (which I'm waaay above mentioning, naturally), but also in likability. And charm. And their ability to be funny.
  • Wait, a guy can be an RA on a girls floor? What kind of bullshit is this/Where is my time-machine?
  • So...this is what college freshmen look like now? Aw, f--k. I thought these chicks looked just north of fourteen-and-a-half. (the Boo here is me, obviously)
  • Selena Gomez. Rowr. But it takes more than five seconds for me to, you know, maximize my potential. Uh, in terms of appreciating her...er...performance.
  • As I said, the more time we're not with Rogen and Byrne, the more time I'm checking my watch. Well, if I had a watch. I'm not that old.
  • Two words: tampon attack. Look, I used to clean a high school...when I was in high school. You chicks are nasty as f--k sometimes.
  • Pot pie. The f--k is this?
  • Spoiler alert: They oil up Teddy and he dances in most of a banana hammock. The Boo? I think I saw stars around his dick and heard Dream Weaver for a second. Or ten.
  • Breaking into someone's house and stealing their cell phone is not f--king cool. 
  • The end is a bit too perfect, no? I mean, I'm pretty sure we all saw that one coming.
  • And finally, of all the running gags in the history of lame comedies, did we really have to go with toddler with a dildo? Really?
Who needs a sorority? Really? You gotta pay for your friends? Not my little girl.

Nope. My daughter is upstairs, sound asleep in her room. Alone. In my house. And outside of occasionally dabbling in a little cough-syrup, she's totally a drug-free individual. Hell, even debt-free, too.

Well...she was when I wrote this.


  1. "Pretty much the same movie as the first one, just not as funny." Haven't seen it yet, but that's exactly what I was expecting. When I finally do see it I might cringe more than you did. My daughter just hit "sweet" 16, yesterday. Sigh.

    1. Good luck with that, Dell. I'm already freaking out about my daughter, only 'cause if this is where we're at now...well, where the f--k are we headed?

      No rush on seeing this one, man, as it's not nearly as good as the first. No rush, get it? Rush? Huh, huh?

      Okay, I'll stop.

  2. I thought this movie was still a lot of fun, even if it was a slight step down from the first. I agree - I enjoy what they were going for with the feminist angle, but they didn't make the sorority girls nearly likable enough. Their group doesn't light a candle to the boys in the first. If Teddy wasn't brought back I think this movie would have been lacking something major. Kinda bungled the whole girls rule theme (though Kelly/Rose Byrne still rules hard). Overall, I still really enjoyed it.

    That Jimmy clown gag was hysterical (coming from someone who does not like clowns)!

    1. The girls were totally lacking. Like, at times, it was almost cringe-worthy. Maybe I'm just more comfortable with stupid, horny guys (wow, that's poorly worded), but the ladies seemed...like bad cartoons of real people. Or hardcore versions of after-school special rejects. Either way...I wasn't really a fan.

      F--king Jimmy is the best. [that sounded better in my head]

  3. I like the idea of the girls not wanting to conform, but I can't bring myself to watch it because of Moretz. I think she's quite awful. Jonah Hill's sister seems like she's just trying to play her brother from the previews.

    1. I'm pretty sure I like Moretz more than you (and Sati, heh heh), but she was a tough watch in this flick. This felt like her first role or something...yikes.

      Wait wait wait....WAIT. Are you f--king kidding me? That's Hill's sister? Oh, f--k that.

  4. This movie was definitely entertaining, which is exactly why I chose to see it. Zac Efron's decision to team up with Rogen was probably his best decision for his career!

    1. I was definitely entertained, but I honestly hoped for more. I think early buzz made this one seem like it was going to me more than just a typical sequel...but alas, that was not the case.

      As for Efron, I think he's solid with Rogen, but I'm not as sold on his other raunchy comedy roles. They look...sort of...uh, shitty.

  5. When Rogen was teaching Efron how to boil eggs I almost died

    And when he danced a space continuum tore and I got sucked in.