Friday, June 10, 2016

Do yourself a favor, and just go with it.

In politics, it's like the worst thing you can be called. If you dare to change your mind about something (assuming, of course, after careful consideration) people rally around the idea that you're some kind of pushover, or that you simply will say anything to appease the masses.

But if something was a bad idea on paper, executed to something only marginally better, I believe it would be totally reasonable to not jump up and down and support it. If after a few years, however, the idea was revisited, tweaked, and made better, is it really a sign of weakness to now fully endorse it? I don't think so, but Hell, what do I know?

I'm a flip-flopper.

Yes, after seeing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows with my son Matty, I'm now fully on-board with the live-action reboot of the old cartoon classic. Walking back from my general dislike of the first Michael Bay-produced Turtles flick [review], which I saw without him, by the way (he was too scared...bawk bawk bawk), I now one-hundred percent support these hideously ugly monstrosities known as the modern day Ninja Turtles. They have my unwavering and enthusiastic affection.

Unless the third movie sucks, of course. Well, assuming they make another one.

While the first flick was, at times, too serious for its own good, Out of the Shadows is sweet, stupid fun. The whole thing is incredibly easy-breezy, with the action and laughs coming early and often. Again, it didn't hurt that my goofball son was along for the ride this time, but even if you don't have a nerdy six-year old with you (he now has a Star Wars shirt that he plans on wearing to every movie we see this summer), this one is still a solid action-comedy.

This time around, with the origin story complete, the already established Turtles can get right to it. No back story, no silly brooding, just bad jokes and good action. Oh, and Megan Fox in the tightest of facial skin clothes never hurts, either.

Old nemesis Shredder is riding the Grey Goose to an upstate prison, when word reaches our guys that the Foot Clan is going to bust him out. Donnie and his brothers hit the road in pursuit, and a pretty rad highway battle ensues (think The Matrix Reloaded without the Albino Ghost Twins). Unfortunately, just as Shredder may be apprehended, he vanishes into, yeah, you guessed it, another dimension. There, ol' Shred-head meets Krang, and the dreaded evil plan is hatched.

Bebop and Rocksteady are basically perfectly terrible. They dial up the bro-ness to a jillion.
Apparently some powerful object, capable of world domination, has been broken into five pieces, and it's up to Shredder and his intellectually-disabled henchmen, Bebop and Rocksteady, to recover them. Once the pieces are put together, a portal will open, allowing this mysterious individual to show up, destroy NYC, and I guess...rule the other 99.9% of the planet immediately. Unless, of course, the Turtles can stop them...and not have the cops all up in their shells.

Speaking of things you don't want all up in your business, here are the Yays and Boos, The Turtle Blimp is still one of the best toys we've ever had, even if our blimp smelled like stale beer and cigarettes years later, after one my uncles insisted he'd inflate it himself (after polishing off a case and two packs of Marlboro reds).

I don't know what's higher, her cheekbones or my lap.

  • Ninja stars skimming the surface before becoming part of the Paramount logo? Brilliant!
  • Outside of having to watch the Knicks play basketball, our dudes have a pretty sweet view of MSG.
  • So...uh, Megan Fox's April O'Neil, um, I guess, is doing some reporting, or something, and for some reason she has to wear a disguise? I don't know, really. My point? She looks like someone you'd order. Oh, and when she has to change outfits...well, her pants totally disappear. I'm all for continuity...but in this case? Nah, we're good. 
  • Mikey gets to hit up NYC's Halloween Parade and he comes across this amazing dude in a Bumblebee costume. Yes, this movie was 900% CGI, but this a-hole in a cardboard Transformers costume stole the show
  • Okay, it's really stupid...and awesome, but the Turtle Van has giant arms that swing massive metal nunchuks. No, really. It's actually stupider than it sounds...and awesomer!
  • Krang. Even if he doesn't have any, er, you know, he still is...nuts. Seriously, he is impressive...visually, anyway.
  • Laura Linney, possibly part of plea deal for an unknown crime she committed, appears in this film, often. But she's not the Yay. Her hot assistant is. Rowr.
  • Ice Ice Baby is heard. Robbie Van Winkle and the Turtles...together again. Further proof, kids, dreams do come true.
  • Speaking of great songs, the terrifying CGI Splinter returns...but this time he's singing some classic Lionel Ritchie, thereby making my inevitable nightmares starring him a bit more pleasant.
  • For some reason, we leave NYC and head to Brazil. This entire (plane/river) sequence is insane. Just watch those mosquitoes, huh?
  • While we're talking about things to keep your eyes on, good God, Megan Fox in her black tank top was, uh, distracting to say the least. Like, I'm trying to listen to giant, roided out CGI green things, you know? This is serious business, dammit. Put your fine-ass titties away, please.
  • The Technodrome's assembly is cool as shit. As is the Krang fight that takes place, uh, during it.
  • And finally, this movie may have been the moment where my son officially became the movie dork I've always dreamed of. At the very end, the director's name, Dave Green, appears on the screen. *tap tap* Dad. The director's last name? Is Green [smiles, satisfied with himself]. So, yeah, my work here is done.
Just because I like them, doesn't mean they're not super-ugly.
  • The Turtle Van made its debut at the end of the first one. What the Hell is this giant garbage truck thing?
  • Son-of-a-bitch. C'mon, now, you f--king a-holes. Watch the language, eh?
  • Oh, and who thought it was a good idea to have Bebop and Rocksteady look at their newly-formed animal dicks and then high-five? Son-of-a-bitch, that was awkward.
  • So, uh, that was the longest stretch of non-exit having highway in the history of the world, right? 
  • Last time, I asked for Casey Jones (or Stacey Moans?). This time, I got him? The problem? He's kind of a wanker. No one cares about his backstory. No one cares if he knows these streets better than anybody. And no one, absolutely no one, cares about this guy's hopes and dreams (he wants to be a dick, like, the other kind).
  • I think that science lab needed a few more neon filled tubes that spiral unnecessarily, huh? 
  • Animal DNA exists in all of us, huh? And that dude's was warthog? Okay. 
  • Carmelo Anthony shows up for a minute. I guess they shot his scenes during the NBA playoffs...
  • I'm sorry, but Megan Fox's character never sneaks around unnoticed. Nope. Trust me. If you're a sexy woman, you have never done anything on the sly.  Me? I don't even have to wear pants. Ever.
  • Guys, that was a terrible plan jumping out of the airplane. Just the worst, really.
  • The hot cop lady only has only one line: Tight form on that barricade. Truer words have never been spoken.
  • Okay, listen. Aliens are opening a portal into NYC, right? Right. Uh...this is the moment you call The Avengers. No, for real. They got this.
  • And finally, there was a minute where the Turtles considered transforming themselves into the human versions of themselves. They test it out, and we get to see a hand mutate. *shudder* I don't even want to imagine what these dudes would look like as people. They're terrifying enough already. 
The more I think about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows, the more I like it, honestly. I had so much fun with my son, I'm actually considering taking him again. Or maybe we'll go see Warcraft instead.

But that movie is supposed to be really shitty, right? Well, if a bunch of people I've never met didn't like it, there's no way it's for me.

What do you want me to do, think for myself? I would never.

Well, unless you really wanted me to.


  1. LOL, your son sounds like my daughter...straight up awesome nerd. LOVE!

    Your closing comments are great, LOL...your a blogging film critic, you're supposed to tell everyone else what to think!!!

    You've made me think I need to see this, even though I really don't want to.

    1. Yeah, man. I kinda hope he dials it back when he's older, but for now I totally embrace it. Like, if he continues to progress as he is, he'll be incapable of talking to people and turn into full-on Napoleon Dynamite. critic. You, man. Not me.

  2. You know, sometimes a stupid, just an action driven and joke filled movie is exactly what a person needs. And I didn't mind the first one, and I kinda want to see the second one.. even before I read this review.

    1. If you didn't mind the first one, I think it's safe to say that you'll really like Out of the Shadows. It's much more light-hearted and everyone seems to be having a lot of fun.

      Oh, and it's way more Turtles this time around, less...people.

  3. I'm glad this movie is fun, my son loves TMNT, but he's still not huge into live action yet. He keeps asking about this one though, and even though those turtles look terrible, I can't say no. I loved them too when I was his age.

    1. It is totally fun. Not too serious, and actually the right kind of stupid. I've even come to terms with the horrifying CGI face...of Megan Fox. Oh, and the turtles, too.

      TAKE HIM!!!!!

  4. Sounds like you and your son had a great time. Glad he enjoyed it and got you to ease up on it, too. I still won't see it until around Thanksgiving. That sounds about like when it will hit Red Box and my sister-in-law, who loved the first, will show up with it to our annual family gathering and insist we watch it after turkey.

    Ouch on your treatment of my Knicks, here. I read this while watching the NBA Finals. So what if Carmelo has played in as many of those as I have.

    1. We did, man. It was a blast. I don't doubt I would have been harsher on it, had I been alone, but I'm telling you: this movie is pretty good (ya know, for what it is). Should make for an awesome Thanksgiving watch (hahahaha at that by the way).

      I don't even really hate the Knicks anymore, honestly. And in the John Starks/Anthony Mason days? Huge fan. But know? Goodness. I save my hate for things that actually pose a threat.

      And yes, that Carmelo comment cracked me up big time.

  5. Your son sounds wonderful -- definitely my kind of guy. There is zero chance I'll see this movie, but if my son were still six (*sniff*) I'd definitely be on board. Now he's 17 and has lost interest in movies, action heroes, zombies, and general badassery. He hangs out in his room all day and speaks to me in monosyllables. God, my life has become a cliche, hasn't it?

    1. He's a good kid...uh, so far. You know I work with middle schoolers, so...I realize I'm on the clock with him being compassionate, reasonable and polysyllabic.

      LOST INTEREST IN MOVIES? That's a thing? Nooooooo! I've worked so hard to get him to actually go with me.

      I'm a Dad trying to keep his kid frozen in about cliche!

  6. I'd never see this in a million years but it's nice that you and your son had a good time...during appropriate film :)

  7. I don't plan on seeing this EVER... but I have to comment on the mandatory "butt pose" Megan Fox is in on the poster. My brother and my dad went to see this film and loved it. Nuff said I suppose.