Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Pluck my life.

Placing things in a proper perspective is supposed to make you feel better. You're knee deep in shit? Well, at least it's not up to your neck. F--k, now it is up to your neck? Shoot, somewhere a dead guy is wishing he was buried in shit. At least you're alive, you know? [Technically...that dead guy is a selfish asshole, as he's already buried and now he wants to choose in what.]

Anyway, this game(/entire wesbite) is pointless, until you're willing to admit, you don't have it so badly. I say this, because I think I was witness to a new low in cinematic awfulness. And while I would love to be able to say my most recent watch was truly absolutely f--king awful, I guess, of course...

It could be worse.

It's no accident that he's shaped like a dick.
Where I used to be fine with lamenting Hollywood's massive cash-green boner for making sucky film versions of better books and better films, now I officially can say that I long for the days when they'll make films out of better...apps? Yes friends, with The Angry Birds Movie I'd love to tell you we've catapulted through rock bottom (one handed, while taking a dump), but I'll hold my tongue till the inevitable sequel is eventually released. In Hell.

(Or in three to four years, when the decide to reboot The Angry Birds Franchise with younger actors)

But enough about that, I mean, the real question here is why the f--k did you see this what, dammit, is the movie actually about? Well, since you asked so nicely...

On a small, picturesque island in the middle of nowhere, a bunch of birds are living their stupid, miserable little lives. One day, a mysterious pig shows up like an asshole. He and his friends want to have a massive rave. Sounds...uh, cool, I guess. Except that he also wants to steal and eat all the birds' eggs (which, as we've seen in the opening two minutes, contain fully-functional, doe-eyed adorable little baby birds). So, yeah. This is basically a horror movie.

It has to be scary, as it sure as shit isn't funny. Even if you think this entire post is phoned in, I would still be giving more and getting less than all the voice actors in this movie combined. Sure, maybe the script is truly that terrible, the jokes that bad, but there is a shocking (I suppose) lack of enthusiasm permeating throughout. Damn near put me to sleep, honestly...

Speaking of uninspired attempts at humor and entertainment, here are the Yays and Boos. Full disclosure, we downloaded the game a few phones ago, but we were never fully into it. I mean, phones have the internet on them. Have you seen what's on the internet?

  • So, this was the back end of a double header at the movies last Tuesday. Oddly enough, both films featured Maya Rudolph. This is apparently a Yay?
  • The score, despite containing the music that I've heard entirely too many times coming from my kids faces, is surprisingly...inspired?
  • It's an easy gag, sure, but seeing a mother bird regurgitating into her kids' lunchbags was mildly amusing. Gag? Get it? Huh? *crickets*
  • I think I say this for all contemporary animated films, but screw it: this one looks pretty amazing at times. The Pigs' island/town thinger looked super cool, as did the Lake of Wisdom.
  • Which leads me to the best bit, an extended pissing scene that is borderline incredible. Yeah, it was featured in the preview, but seeing the whole thing was something else. I think every kid in the theater went Ewwwwww at the exact same time. Which was appreciated, as that sound masked the noise of a dozen parents simultaneously dying inside.
  • At some point, FART FACE is written on something. I forget. Anyway, my son says, Did you see they wrote [wild arm movements indicating a general state of fluster]...Toot Face? (See, Mom doesn't like the word 'fart')
  • And finally, even though there's probably a special place in Hell for the person or person(s), but the way the story was likely reverse-engineered from the game was actually...well...almost impressive. I would think writing something coherent based on f--king Angry Birds would be a bit of an impossible mission. Sadly, heroically, mission accomplished.
  • Man, obvious 3-D visual gags are the worst. Especially when you don't spring for the 3-D version of the movie...
  • The soundtrack is too weird. Ozzy Osbourne is the opening number, Rock You Like a Hurricane makes an appearance, as does Limp Biskit's version of Behind Blue Eyes. Wait, what year is this?
  • There was a second where the Pigs were shown using a selfie stick. If there's a worse frame to ever exist in a film in the history of time, I don't want to see it.
  • I'm pretty sure the Yellow Bird, voiced by Olaf himself, suggests that they have a massive bird orgy. I could be mistaken, but I'm like, 99% certain of this.
  • Bill Hader. I expect more from this guy. Always. He voices the villain, Leonard, in the same tone and style that most of us reserve for talking to someone in the room while we're currently on the phone.
  • Sean Penn shows up to grunt. This is actually kind of cool...when South Park did it twenty years ago with George Clooney.
  • So, the White Bird farts magical dust? I mean, toots magical dust? Lame.
  • And finally, the timing of the whole thing. Clearly the Angry Birds' ship has mostly sailed, so I'm not sure how this got the cast that it did, not to mention a big summer release date. This flick could have a lived a good little life in the bottom row at Redbox, you know? But alas, that wasn't the case. They had to go and market the birdshit out of it, thereby pretty much guaranteeing I take my kids to it. Five years ago? I could have dodged this bullet rather easily. Instead, I took this one right in the face.
And speaking of faces, the real reason I saw this stupid movie in the first place? Well...here's a hint:

Daddyyyyyy? Can we see the Angry Birds movie?
Goodness, man. Not being able to say no to an adorable little girl? What's wrong with you? Put your foot down. Be a man for once in your life. 

Impossible. But...it could be worse.

(I could have had twins)


  1. It's movies like this that make me glad my kids are older. No one in my house wants to see it, including me. My reaction to seeing the trailer for the first time was "Really?" And Maya Rudolph is always a yay.

    1. Yeah, man, I would assume older kids don't want to see any movies...at least not with their parents. Though, for this one, I'm always partly to blame. I tell them in not so many words, movies are always an option, when we need something to do.

      Ah, and thanks for the heads up on Maya.

  2. Haha love it! Couldn't agree more man, I seriously questioned why I paid to see this somewhere around the midpoint of the movie. Absolutely awful. It's not like I even have the excuse of having adorable kids either - I just saw it anyway. Awesome review though, very funny.

    1. Well, after recent events have come to light...well..

      I'm just glad we could agree on this one. Grrr.

  3. Thanks for taking one for the team there, dude! If I ever get some weird urge to watch this movie, I'll dig up your post instead, which is 1,000,000x funnier than the movie could ever be!
    - Allie

    1. Even if this post is indeed a million times funnier than the movie, I'm not good at math, but I don't think a million x negative 8,000 is a super high number.

      Please, please...don't ever get that urge.

      (thanks for the comment!)

  4. Aww your daughter is so adorable! I'm glad my son didn't ask to see this. I mean, I would've made my husband take him, but still for his sake..

    1. Luckily, she doesn't look like me in the least. Bullet dodged there.

      See, while I like what you said about making your husband take him in the event your son wants to see a cinematic turd, I get all oddly jealous when they go without me. It's better if I just go (for everyone involved).

      "So, was it good? Huh? Did you HAVE FUN?" It's super awkward. I pretend to be interested...but I'm just usually mad instead.

  5. Your daughter is insanely cute. That sweet face would almost be enough to induce me to sit through this movie. Almost.

    1. Hahaha thanks for that. I'm sure she'll be the death of me with her angelic/demonic face.

      At this point, I'd sit through just about anything with her...but this was the lowest of the low. Uh, hopefully.