Wednesday, June 29, 2016

I'm going to keep you alive.

I'm assuming that the inevitable nuclear fallout will be f--king terrible.

Like, yeah, it'll kinda suck being eviscerated at a playground outside of Los Angeles, sure, but imagine actually surviving the end of the world? F--k that. I mean who would want to live a sex-less life where they never go outside, only talk to a few actual people, eat the same five meals over and over again and only find the most marginal amount of joy in staring at a screen all day, or working on some little passion project that no one knows about?

'Cause that sounds like the worst.

This is probably the raddest poster...
that doesn't a feature a guy on a BMX bike on it.
Apparently having something (or nothing, frankly) to do with the original Cloverfield movie, 10 Cloverfield Lane is a fairly disturbing thriller from director Dan Trachtenberg (the dude who made that killer Portal short).

Lane, released in March of 2016, takes place inside of a pretty kickass underground bunker, built by Howard, a slightly less-crazy version of Walter Sobchak (a delightfully insane John Goodman). Apparently some sort of catastrophic event has occurred up above at ground level, and Howard's years of psychotic doomsday prepping have finally paid off. Well, it would have, if it weren't for those damn meddling kids. 

Locked in with Howard are Emmett and Michelle, two young(er) adults lucky enough to have made it in/out alive. Emmett helped Howard with construction awhile back, and when shit went down he knocked on the door and fought his way in. But Michelle? Well...her Golden Ticket isn't so clear. Howard claims he saved Michelle's life after finding her the victim of a hit-and-run. Moderately concerning thing is...Michelle remembers the truck that struck her. It kinda looks exactly like Howard's. Ooh, about that...

I'd rather not ruin the rest for you, but it's safe to say this little flick certainly has enough going on to consistently engage and intrigue the audience. There's an overwhelming lack of authenticity to just about everything Howard says and does (which honestly made me not entirely trust Emmett, either), but never in a way that feels cheap and/or story-breaking. And outside of the ending, most questions have answers, even if they're frustratingly vague. Kind of like the whole Cloverfield connection when you think about it...

Also something you probably ought to not spend any mental capacity on, are the Yays and Boos. We've been spending a lot of time in the cinema, so this redbox rental was a nice little reprieve, you know? My wife never slept so soundly....(spoilers ahead)

Of all the placed where we need to talk...
...around a vat of perchloric acid is probably my least favorite.
  • Yeah, that initial car crash was a real dick-punch.
  • For the first time in recent memory, the dreaded NO SERVICE actually made perfect sense.
  • I never thought you could weaponize a crutch. 
  • I don't know, like, yeah it's the end of the f--king world, but, um, we get to watch all these VHS cassettes while we wait? Sounds kinda rad to me.
  • The I Think We're Alone Now montage is f--king awesome. 
  • Michelle really knows how to work a shaft. Not since Groundskeeper Willie went in after Santa's Little Helper has a ventilation duct scene been so welcome. Grease me up, woman!
  • Hey look, it looks like there's a hatch up here. Cool. What's this? Someone has written Help on the glass. From the inside.
  • That vat pictured above? The five minutes surrounding that picture may be my favorite five minutes of 2016. Like, I'm thisclose to posting my phone number so you can call me as soon as you see it (and I'll make snacks and we can talk like little girls about it for hours on our corded phones with our feet in the air...or, er, something).
  • And finally, the ending. Not necessarily how it ended, or what we saw, but more so Michelle's unexpected ass-kicking ability in an absolute shit storm. Yeah, it's all kinda stupid, but in the best/worst way possible. Translation: anytime I see an impossibly expedient molotov cocktail not only crafted, but jammed into an alien's teeth-filled butthole? I get totally stoked. I'm old-fashioned that way.

Hmmm. Sure death now? Or sure death later?
Decisions, decisions.
  • Waking up chained to a bed? Probably sucks...but I'm in if you are.
  • Yeah, I'd want out to...but setting a fire in an underground bunker? Kinda seems like a bad call.
  • Who do you think did it, Howard? Russians. Martians. Oh, cool. *runs*
  • It's safe to say that Howie's a bit of a stickler. I get it, sure, but when insists on NO TOUCHING! I'm thinking that we gotta have that talk. Like, I can't touch Michelle? Weak. How about myself?
  • Speaking of awful conversations that should be had, Emmett and Michelle are waaaaay to comfortable talking shit about Howard while having no clue where that big f--ker is lurking.
  • Poor Frank and Mildred. Though I bet they's taste delicious with some eggs and toast.
  • You know when you're having dinner with someone you don't really care for and you decide to break a bottle over their f--king head, run out of the room, only to see the worst thing ever then be forced to come back and stitch up the person you almost killed? God, I hate when that happens.
  • Somewhat related, I kinda/sorta always hate the shit out of the person's job skills totally being exactly what they need to survive. I know, I know, it's a necessary evil...but it doesn't make it any less heinous. 
  • The Megan thing. No thank you, sir. I don't want to hear this story. Nor wear these lame ass clothes.
  • Just hang loose, I'll go get dinner started. Yeah, not very hungry, Howard. All full of disbelief, actually.
  • And finally, the ending. Yeah it's oddly amusing...but it's really pretty stupid, too. All the drama and all the tension is squandered when the big reveal, uh...revealed. Sure, some of the action is still pretty intense, but at that point the thrill is gone. And that final highway sign at the end? No bullshit, that made we want to eject the disc and immediately bury it 90 feet below my house. So f--king dumb.
All this talk about the end of the world has kind of bummed me out. Good thing it's only fiction, you know? 

*turns on news/leaves house for five minutes*

Can I borrow your shovel?


  1. I lol'd at your ventilation duct comment. I watched this last week and really liked it too. I also told myself it was happening at the same time as the other film as that's the only way I could make sense of it.

    1. Hahaha...yeah, it's kinda like Die Hard, too. Ah, duct scenes.

      In my 'research' it seems that the movie was totally finished when they cooked up the whole Cloverfield connection idea. In a way, that's kind of cool, but isn't it also a huge pile of bullshit, too? I'm not too mad about it, but I had to make the same assumption you did. But had it been called Howard's End or something...that would have drastically altered what was going on in my head.

      Oh, that title is already taken? Dammit.

  2. One of the more unexpected successes of the year so far if you ask me. It came outta nowhere and was pretty great! Might have to revisit once it comes out on DVD here :) Awesome review!

    1. I was pretty surprised too, honestly, as I the vibe seemed rather negative about the whole affair, you know? Shockingly, I just read that it WAS the highest grossing 'original' film of the year, until Central Intelligence bested it.

      The rub's not exactly original, once you slap Cloverfield on the title...but, whatever. I still enjoyed it.

  3. I have yet to see this one but I heard about the hopefully the lame idea on how to end a claustrophobic thriller like that won't ruin it since I already know about it

    1. I don't know, Sati. The lack of information about what the f--k is happening above was 70% of the fun. The other 30? A completely insane John Goodman.

      At this point, I'd probably say pass...unless you have another 9 days off in a row, and absolutely nothing better to do!