Thursday, August 25, 2016

Against the Crowd '16: BLOGATHON

My main man Dell (and his co-host KG) is once again hosting his annual Against the Crowd blogathon, and even though I'm very much up against the deadline, it's impossible for me not to participate (at least without being an asshole in the process).

Everything you need to know is in the title (and banner), but just in case, they explain the rules here.

But as I just said, I ain't got time for that noise, so here's the abbreviated, moronic version of the whole thing:
  1. Pick a movie that the world f--king despises and let every single person on the planet know how absolutely stupid they are for feeling that way.
  2. Pick a movie that the world has a giant boner for and dragon-punch it squarely in the twig and berries.
  3. Lose all credibility in the blogging community, seek refuge under a bridge.
Let's start with utter cinematic perfection, masquerading as a stupid action movie starring Jenny from the Block. 



Before those motherf--kin' snakes were on that motherf--kin' plane, the original Anaconda was the pinnacle of reptilian-related ridiculousness. Somehow, according to all the twats at Rotten Tomatoes, Anaconda isn't a great movie. Uh, the f--k it isn't. Not only do you have a giant f--king snake violently throwing-up monkeys on people, rusty tracheotomies. probably the coolest (non-sexual) thing to happen in a waterfall ever, but you also have an oddly fantastic cast. In addition to probably the four most randomly-paired names ever on the poster, you also get Owen Wilson, Danny Trejo and Kari Wuhrer (guys, remember how late you'd stay up to watch something starring Kari Wuhrer's titties?). 

But even without all that awesomeness? You have to see what Jon Voight does in this movie. Have to. It is, and I'll choose these words very carefully, the best thing in the history of mankind.

*wink*

Now, let's go ahead and move on to what is quite possibly the scariest thing anybody has ever seen: dangling bundles of sticks.


Look, I can't even pretend I really remember the finer details of The Blair Witch Project, but as one of the millions of assholes that was there on opening night, I sure as Hell remember that nothing f--king happened in that movie. Yeah, if you thought it was real...it was kind of intense (and you're also really f--king gullible), but being that I'm not a total f--king moron (no, really) and knew it was all (brilliantly marketed) bullshit, the build-up was ultimately pretty f--king tedious. Like, please God, let a giant bear dry-hump/claw-f--k all three of these punks, Revenant style...immediately. 

The end, at least, was fantastic, as that's when shit started to get real...but, further cementing how sucky this movie is, that's also when the credits rolled. For the preceding seventy-five minutes, it was a whole lot of Heather being a whiny bitch and the audience trying not to throw up all over themselves. And it when it finally got good, when we all finally leaned forward? Boom. Movie over. Please throw your popcorn in the trash receptacle, drive safe and oh yeah, f--k off. 

Oh, and as the grand-daddy of the found footage genre, The Blair Witch Project also gets a dickpunch for unleashing two decades of bullshit horror documentaries. Thanks for that, you sons o' bitches.

21 comments:

  1. YAAAASSS! The Blair Witch Project was hot garbage. You couldn't explain it any clearer than "nothing f--king happened." On the other hand, Anaconda is just all sorts of goofy fun. You forgot to mention a very special cast member, though - J-Lo's nipples. The way they danced around in that tank top they are more than worthy of their own separate billing.

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    1. The hottest of hot garbage. The BWP was truly innovative and all that shit...but that doesn't make it good. I'd actually be curious to revisit it, but I might be kind to it because it came out in 1999, you know? I mean...who hates anything from 1999?

      You know, I actually did forget about J.Lo's nipples for a second, and that's wholly unacceptable on my part. But their late-inclusion also further cements my theory that this film should probably be sitting at a 99% fresh rating. If not higher.

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  2. OMG I consider Blair Witch a horror masterpiece :lol: But yeah Anaconda is a crazy fun movie

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    1. More like...disasterpiece. Get it? Huh? *nudge-nudge* Instead of master- I said 'disaster', implying that...oh, nevermind.

      Look, I'm going against the crowd here. I'm glad somebody is going to stand up for The Blair Witch Project...even if it totally sucks. But hey, at least we see eye-to-eye on giant snakes, right? ACTUAL SNAKES...not....forget it.

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    2. "SNAKE"?!

      https://youtu.be/Tq8phJ6X9sU?t=1m15s

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    3. Uh...that was really, really...ummm...strange?

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    4. Boo is strange, but his laughter is so adorable :)

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  3. Okay, okay, you've convinced me to watch Anaconda. I'm going to do it for you!!
    I haven't seen Blair Witch since it came out but I had no idea it was actually that loved!! I mean, it wasn't terrible or anything, but nothing happens!
    - Allie

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    1. I really, really hope you do. It's so incredibly ridiculous...but it's a good time. And even if you don't like it...at all...you can't go wrong seeing that cast actually appear in a flick like Anaconda. It's AMAZING.

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  4. Oh no! I really liked the blair witch, but I also agree that the build-up imploded to nothing. The end was definitely pretty disappointing.

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    1. It's totally cool that you liked it. In fact, if I remember correctly, most people (well, at least half) really liked it. Me? I felt cheated. But I respect what they did. Totally brilliant.

      Damn that ending!

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  5. I didn't dig Blair Witch either. But a dickpunch? That's kind of harsh.

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    1. Having the required parts for a dickpunch, I wouldn't suggest it if it weren't 100% warranted. These guys totally deserve it.

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  6. Hahahaha, that wink by Jon Voigt is pure perfection. I actually also enjoyed Ice Cube in that movie too. It's strange that it had such an amazing cast. Anaconda has also aged well from being a movie I was afraid of as a little kid to a movie I can laugh at and enjoy as an adult. I haven't watched The Blair Witch Project so no thoughts on it but I'll probably avoid it now.

    Thanks for contributing to the blogathon.
    KG

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    1. THE WINK!!!!!! I almost died the first time I saw it! Amazing!!!!

      Cube was awesome! Sure, he was playing his standard 'man, this is some bullshit right here' hardass that he always does, but it was perfect for the role. Honestly, everybody nails their parts, even that cheesy narrator guy who looked like an adjunct at Hogwarts...whatever the Hell his name was.

      NO! You are the perfect person to watch Blair Witch. Being that the hype passed almost twenty years ago...I'd love to know what someone thinks of it now! Do itttt!

      You're welcome. It's always a blast.

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  7. Anacanda was fun! Stupid, but fun. That's funny you mention Blair Witch, I was just telling someone today how terrible the ending was lol.

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    1. 'Stupid fun' is totally fair, but for what it is, I think it should be rated higher, you know? I mean, what the f--k are they comparing it to? Oscar-winning films?

      F--king Blair Witch. I wonder if the remake is going to be an even bigger f--k you to the audience...

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  8. Awesome post man. Second year in a row I haven't been able to dig into this blogathon... I can always find a movie that everyone loves to rip on (Gravity would be my instant choice) but I can never find a movie for the opposite way round!

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    1. Thanks! I almost missed it this year, but managed to get something together in time.

      I actually am a huge fan of Gravity...so I would have that movie's back to the end. As for my picks? I struggled with them tremendously. I think I even broke the rules to get that one in (35% or less...eh, 38% is close enough).

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  9. Never seen Blair Witch, probably never will, but now I'm curious about Anaconda. And Snakes on a plane. Is that funny stupid or just stupid stupid? Would you recommend it?

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    1. To me, Anaconda is totally worth the watch, as long as you know what you're getting yourself into. It's totally a B-movie, but the cast is shockingly good. And if you can't have fun with what Jon Voight does in this movie, I'm going to assume you can't have fun...ever. But yes, it's pretty stupid (in the best possible way!!).

      As for Snakes on a Plane...I only saw it once and thought it was kind of stupid-stupid...as it goes way over the top in its ridiculousness...but clearly, that was the point. If I recall a snake bites a woman directly on the nipple of her (large) breast. Use that as your measuring stick and proceed accordingly.

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