Friday, August 19, 2016

The great beyond is bullshit!

If the only thing that awaits us at the end of our lives is certain death, it's fairly reasonable to say that we should all just be cool to each other and enjoy the ride, right? But if ultimately, we're totally f--ked anyway, there's also the notion that how we treat one another doesn't really matter. At all. 

In other words, being a nice guy isn't any better than being a giant douche in the grand scheme of things.

Well, f--k me, then. (I wonder if there are any comfy railroad tracks around here?)

Unless, of course, there's something more out there. Something that could pick us up and restore our faith in the world and the (potentially awful) people that inhabit it. But not just some thing. If only there was...some place. Some place we could go every week together for a few hours and hear amazing stories crafted by divine individuals that would speak to what's good and true in our own lives. Some place like...

...the movie theater.

It's almost a week later and I still can't wrap my mind around the animated what the the f--k-ness? of Sausage Party. Caught on a busy Saturday night with my wife in a sold out theater, Seth Rogen and his crew have delivered another raunchy, laugh out loud, stoner the form of a religious allegory of all things.

Wait, what? The f--king movie with the talking hot dogs is a morality tale? Uh...yes? Yes it is.

Hold on a second. See, before you put on your Sunday best (for me, that's my nice t-shirt), or inexplicably bring your f--king children to this, let me be clear: it's primarily about guys wanting to get high and get laid, okay? But when these tasty treats realize that waiting for them in the great beyond is actually a brutal f--king death at the hand of one of their gods (, everything totally changes. For some of them.

I will readily admit the whole concept is rather clever, and I certainly laughed my ass off at times, but between you and me, I was kind of expecting more. Yes, I realize that expecting um...much/more?...out of a movie with that poster and that concept is probably as logical as eating half the shit I willingly consume (what adult eats Chicken McNuggets?). But when early word got out about this one, I was half-expecting something utterly f--king transcendent, you know?

Something I'd bring my kids to. 

Instead, however, we're left with an 89 minute comedy that's probably as funny as your average episode of South Park (not that that's a bad thing). Not only is the grocery store the perfect place to satirize every culture walking the planet, but perhaps shockingly, it's also the perfect place for a wild f--king orgy. Sure, the subversive humor will keep you laughing, but the graphic f--kfest (that seems to go on forever), may actually take your life. You've been warned.

Speaking of awkward things to stare at in a room full of people, here are those homely ragamuffins, the Yays and Boos. I don't even know what a ragamuffin is, frankly, but it sounds delicious.

Michael Cera plays Barry, the misshaped wiener on the right.

  • That opening song, though not quite 'Mountain Town', is still pretty f--king funny.
  • Just the tip, okay?
  • The Manager Guy, Darren was hysterical...before I knew he was voiced by Paul Rudd. F--k you, wieners.
  • But the real star of the show? It may just be Nick Kroll as The Douche. This f--king guy....unbelievable. For a second I thought it was Carl from ATHF and I almost shit my pants. (guys, Carl is the best animated character ever)
  • Holy shit, that Saving Private Ryan spoof? Fantastic. Like, f--k a guy fantastic.
  • Mr. Grits and his hate for crackers still makes me laugh, He really isn't a fan of those cracker-ass crackers.
  • There's this rad series of running jokes that I swear I was the only one laughing at. I don't want to spill the beans, but it's the right kind of stupid.
  • Screw you guys, but I actually totally f--king love Meat Loaf's I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That). I didn't think it could get any more awesome than that 90's video (f--king Meat Loaf as (an ever bigger) beast man drives a motorcycle through a wall!)...but, shocking no one, I'm wrong. Again.
  • Perhaps, I could be of some assistance. Man, Gum guy was pretty f--king awesome. 
  • And finally, it's the stuff that dreams are made of, the giant f--king food orgy. Not only is this scene impossibly disturbing (which makes it even better, honestly), but it's set to the indisputable eighties classic, Hungry Eyes. I used to imagine dirty I just imagine something much...dirtier.
Let's just say...this takes a turn.
  • Okay, I'll be the asshole here, but, uh, they have hands and feet? The f--k is this?
  • It might have been my seat (more on that later), but I thought the animation was kind of...stale. Hi-yo! *rimshot* Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week/forever.
  • Salma Hayek being a lesbian taco isn't a Boo. How hot I still found her? Totally is.
  • It seems like the logical time to mention how all the female characters (the human ones) are rather...curvy. Everywhere. Especially Ms. Camille Toh.
  • Well, guess I'll stop eating baby carrots, for f--k's sake.
  • Food has it bad, I get it. But what about the real victim here, huh? What about Toilet Paper? That guy gets shit on by everybody.
  • You battle the gods, there's bound to be casualties. But when the food actually slays a god? Jesus!
  • The ending got extra weird for me. Like, I get it...we're all very aware of how f--king strange this whole thing is...but it actually seemed like a cop out.
  • And finally, whoever the f--k designs movie theaters? Well, I hope they f--king choke on the next wiener someone (hopefully) rams down their money-hungry throats. Sure, it's not their fault that it was hot as balls outside and every other movie showing was totally sold out, but the second row of the theater (let alone the one in front of us) shouldn't f--king exist. Period. I don't sit that close at the strip club. You know, assuming I'd ever go to a place like that...often.
Should you go see Sausage Party? God, that's a tough one.

I think you should do whatever you feel like is right for you. Whatever makes you happy. Go...don't go. Hell, watch half and storm out. I have no problem either way. And whatever your choice is, and however that makes you feel? Good for you. I mean it.

Just keep your opinion to yourself, okay? Cause, you know...'s rude to talk in the movie theater.


  1. So that movie has the opposite philosophical message to This is the End? Is Rogen this high or like me he just started at Jaredconda too long and his brain fried?

    This looks hysterical tho and I must witness that orgy. Probably gonna turn me on the way things are going with me :lol:

    Man, I'm so glad you didn't take your kids to this. Were there any in the theater?

    1. Goodness, I don't even remember the philosophical message for This Is The End in the least. Is it something about being good and you'll get to hang out with the Backstreet Boys? I think I'm slipping mentally (though my mental degradation has nothing to do with majestical creatures...heh heh).

      The orgy is out of control. If all it took to have sex like what's featured here was to shop at Shopwell's, I'd switch grocery store allegiances in a second. Though my current store is called Giant... Dammit. Did this just become about Leto?

      I took my wife to this, which is probably bad enough, but good God I would have f--king died had my kids been there. There was a pretty young duder behind us (maybe fourth grade), and he seemed pretty happy about the whole thing.

      I'm sure, like his dad, he'll make an excellent father one day. Next year.

    2. Well basically in This is the End God and Heaven exists :) This is I'm given to understand like a tale about atheism or something

      Everything becomes about Leto in the end :)

    3. Ah, right. Heaven. God. That whole thing. Gotcha.

      This is a tale about...'something' indeed.

    4. Apparently I'm going to see it on a date this weekend so this orgy better be good and inspiring

    5. That shouldn't be awkward. Not in the least.

      Is it, it a group date?

    6. Nah, just me and the dude :lol:

  2. I think I'll wait for this one on DVD now. I have pretty high (heh) expectations of Rogan comedies as it is.

    Completely agree with the first two rows of the theater. When I went to see the Martian it was nearly sold out so we ended up in the first row with recliner seats, even completely laying down we couldn't see the full screen. We left and paid more for the pointless 3D tickets.

    Great review!

    1. I don't think you're missing much if you wait, and Hell, at this rate? It'll probably be on DVD by Thanksgiving. I didn't like it as much as Neighbors or This Is The End, but it's much funnier than half the shit that's out there right now (uh, is there even a solid comedy in the theater? What was the last one?).

      Seriously, f--k those rows. We we're eyeballing two handicapped seats two rows behind us, but the asshole in the third row probably thought I wanted to suck him off. I mean, gross. His seat wasn't THAT good.