Thursday, August 4, 2016

How can any man be in love with such a disgusting creature?

As a high-school sophomore in 1995, I took my first film class. Somewhere early in the syllabus, our teacher, Mr. Clarke, dropped The Little Mermaid on us. We were going to examine the underlying messages in the Disney classic. Wait, what?

Not only was this dude my hero, he was also a recent USC film school grad and instantly dove into dissecting the film's themes and symbolism in a way I hadn't even considered possible. His psychotic ramblings sort of opened a door in my mind that was previously only used to poorly quote Clerks and analyze the breast size of my female classmates. 

And while he was talking about Ursula metaphorically raping Ariel and robbing her of her voice, I thought I'm not smart enough to truly understand film in any educated way. And then I thought, man, Ariel is really hot, right? Like I would totally have (consensual, ahem) sex with her...

And that was before she got legs.

In order to break up the crazy string of theatrical releases, I dove headfirst into the murky waters of the deadly abyss known as Netflix. But I didn't swim over to Killer Mermaid with my eyes shut like I usually would. Nope. I actually gleaned a few reviews to make sure this wasn't a huge steaming bucket of shark shit. And guess what the internet said? It's actually pretty f--king good. And guess what else? F--k everyone the internet.

With a nod to old-school slasher films, Killer Mermaid begins with the mysterious murder of two young lovers. See, while these two were f--king on the dock in front of a motorcycle, someone or something showed up and slaughtered them. Aww. Typical mysterious, boner-killing beginning.

And if you've ever seen a low-budge horror movie, you know what happens next. Yep, we cut away from bloody nighttime violence to some beautiful, picturesque scene with two totally different characters. These girls have names, I'm sure of it, but basically there's the Hot One and the Smart One (not pictured). One of them will be killed by whatever the f--k that thing was from the beginning and the other will face her fears and just barely make it out alive. You look pretty smart, so I'll go ahead and let you figure it out.

Maybe I was just tired, or maybe this movie sucks big floppy whale dicks, but I never really got into Killer Mermaid. Unfortunately, like a lot of horror movies with a completely ridiculous concept (and/or title), for whatever reason, everything is played entirely straight. Why someone thinks that anyone walking this planet wants to see characters have a detailed backstory in a movie with either Killer or Mermaid in the title (let alone both words adjacent to one another [in either order]) is beyond me. F--k that shit, right in the blowhole.

Also needlessly existing, are the Yays and Boos. And while we're about to judge moderately sexy sea creatures, I feel like now would be the perfect time to mention the new lifeguard at the pool I take my kids to. Nah, I'm better than that.

No. It's not worth it.
The bottom half of your shirt is gone forever.
  • The score gets really f--king old, really f--king quickly, but in the beginning? I totally dug it. It's like a mash-up of the X-Files theme and something out of a Hitchcock flick.
  • Oh, and there were boobies in the first two minutes. Phew.
  • Hot One isn't all that hot, actually, but I certainly appreciated all her unnecessarily sensuous swimming.
  • Okay, serious time: Wherever they filmed this? Amazing. Actually, so is almost everything that appears on screen. It's actually a good-looking movie, honestly.
  • At one point, things get awkward between Hot One and her weird Ex-Boyfriend Guy. (and his Fiance Lady) The solution? Let's dance together. Makes sense!
  • Spoiler Alert: Fiance Lady totally gets it. The Yay? In a group of five takes them forever to realize she's gone.
  • I'm not even sure this is possible, but...the mermaid? She has a really nice ass. I know, I know. Fish don't have asses...right?
  • At one point, ol' Murdery Joe (maybe not his real name) is chasing someone through a pretty f--king dank tunnel and he makes the conscious decision to scrape his hook thing along the wall. This makes no f--king sense...but I love it regardless.
  • There's a pretty great scene where the old sea captain guy says something indecipherable about an old sea legend. And then Smart One goes, sincerely, Oh yeah. I've heard that before. Uh, What does it mean again?
  • For far too long, it looked like we weren't going to get to see any of her whosits and whatsits galore. Luckily, near the end of the film, this situation is mostly remedied. Oh, shut it. If I'm watching a movie about a killer f--king mermaid, don't think I'm not above leering over some half-fish lady, cause I'm not. 
  • And finally, as hard to believe as it may be, assuming they make one, I will totally see the next Killer Mermaid film. Yeah, it's a dick move on their part, but the best two minutes of this film are the last two. Bring on her sisters.
Oh. My. God. I totally stand like that toooo!
  • Smart One, well it's just about guaranteed that in a movie set on the ocean? Yeah, she doesn't like to go near the water. 
  • Hot One's ex, aka The Plum Smuggler, has the worst voice imaginable. It's like watching Borat on 1.5x speed. Goodness.
  • Speaking of, the dialogue, shockingly, is incredibly painful at times. Seriously. I'd rather have a hermit crab make his last home my butthole than to ever have to hear this shit again.
  • Some a-hole named Bob shows up, and for whatever reason, the girls fawn over this f--ker. Killer Mermaid? Makes sense. But Bob giving them krusty krabs? Not buying it.
  • Time. As in what this movie wastes an inordinate amount of.
    • Outside of the opening bit, nothing happens for the first 40 minutes.
    • And at the 50-minute mark? We've had only three death and two boobs. Even factoring in the metric system, these numbers and ratios are way off
    • 60 minutes in? mermaid.
  • So, eventually they find a woman at the bottom of a well..that someone just dumped a bucket of human hands into. Immediately, everyone thinks WE HAVE TO RESCUE HER! Uh, even though she's eerily cool with her current predicament...hmm.
  • And when we finally get to the big reveal? My Netflix f--king buffered! What? That has never happened before. Oh, shit. Do you think it was just part of the movie? Oh, man. Now I feel bad.
  • One guy is such a bad shot, he makes your average Stormtrooper look like f--king Lee Harvey Oswald.
  • Ugh. The mermaid's siren song/booty call noise? It's the worst. It's like if Dory was speaking whale, while you boiled her in a teakettle. 
  • But if you do get caught in the soothing sounds of sure death, all it takes to break the spell? A gentle slap in the face. Huh? Really?
  • Oooh, when we finally do see the mermaid, she goes from pretty to grody to the max in an instant.
  • You kind of have to see the final ten minutes to appreciate the shit show that Killer Mermaid ultimately is. From the mermaid's bizarre Street Fighter-esque spinning roundhouse, to her being thwarted by a f--king net, the climactic battle is the wrong kind of ridiculous. And then, at the poignant part of the film, we're supposed to mourn this old guy's daughter, right? Well, that's not exactly easy, as the only time we saw her, well, she was f--king some dude on the pavement.
Clearly this actual experience with a mermaid didn't go exactly as I planned. That's okay, though, honestly, as I'll always be able to look back on my early love affair with a certain red-headed temptress. Oh, and all the stuff we could have done undah duh sea.

Dude, you're disgusting. Imagine having sex with a mermaid? She'd be all scaly and smell like an overturned dumpster at Red Lobster. 

Yeah, well so would any girl that would have hooked up with a idiot like me in high-school.

Good thing there's a million fine looking women in this world, right? (even if not all of them bring you lasagna at work)


  1. "It's like if Dory was speaking whale, while you boiled her in a teakettle." - That's fucked up. lol

    I hate slow moving campy horror flicks. You have one job, entertain us with gore and gratuitous nudity. If you can't do that in a timely manner than you fail. I'm sorry this wasn't more fun.

    1. I'm telling you, the mermaid's song is some weird shit. I was being nice!

      100% with you, Brittani. Like, sometimes you want story and reasonable human interactions, but not when you sign up for one of these movies. Does the director know what we came for, or is he/she just foolishly telling a serious tale...about a f--king killer mermaid? It's probably budgetary, I realize...but still. Nudity's free.

      Awww...that's so sweet. Though, let's be honest. I should be the one apologizing.

  2. Wow. This really does sound like a bucket of steaming shark shit, even by trash cinema standards. Even boobs couldn't save this one.

    1. Let me be honest, at this point, it's going to take a lot of boobs to even register anymore...but really, naked ladies was supposed to be the consolation prize after the incessant mermaid-related violence.

      Alas, the movie failed...on both fronts.

  3. I actually watched this one. Like you, I spent most of the movie asking where the hell is this killer mermaid. It's like whoever made this movie forgot that's what it was called until he was almost finished with it and shoved her into a few scenes to save face.

    Oh, the Lee Harvey Oswald line? Perfect.

    1. It's absolutely perfect that you and I each saw this nightmare, isn't it?

      Honestly, as pissed as I was that the mermaid was basically an extra in this production, I guess I'm happy they even showed her at all. There was a point where I was convinced that old Chum Bucket Guy was as good as it was gonna get. And I really didn't want to see that guy's boobs.